Lucile Part 37

IV.

"At last, then,--at last, and alone,--I and thou, Lucile de Nevers, have we met?

"Hush! I know Not for me was the tryst. Never mind--it is mine; And whatever led hither those proud steps of thine, They remove not, until we have spoken. My hour Is come; and it holds me and thee in its power, As the darkness holds both the horizons. 'Tis well!

The timidest maiden that e'er to the spell Of her first lover's vows listen'd, hush'd with delight, When soft stars were brightly uphanging the night, Never listen'd, I swear, more unquestioningly, Than thy fate hath compell'd thee to listen to me!"

To the sound of his voice, as though out of a dream.

She appear'd with a start to awaken.

The stream, When he ceased, took the night with its moaning again, Like the voices of spirits departing in pain.

"Continue," she answer'd, "I listen to hear."

For a moment he did not reply.

Through the drear And dim light between them, she saw that his face Was disturb'd. To and fro he continued to pace, With his arms folded close, and the low restless stride Of a panther, in circles around her, first wide.

Then narrower, nearer, and quicker. At last He stood still, and one long look upon her he cast.

"Lucile, dost thou dare to look into my face?

Is the sight so repugnant? ha, well! canst thou trace One word of thy writing in this wicked scroll, With thine own name scrawl'd through it, defacing a soul?"

In his face there was something so wrathful and wild, That the sight of it scared her.

He saw it, and smiled, And then turn'd him from her, renewing again That short restless stride; as though searching in vain For the point of some purpose within him.

"Lucile, You shudder to look in my face: do you feel No reproach when you look in your own heart?"

"No, Duke, In my conscience I do not deserve your rebuke: Not yours!" she replied.

"No," he mutter'd again, "Gentle justice! you first bid Life hope not, and then To Despair you say, 'Act not!'"

V.

He watch'd her awhile With a chill sort of restless and suffering smile.

They stood by the wall of the garden. The skies, Dark, sombre, were troubled with vague prophecies Of the dawn yet far distant. The moon had long set, And all in a glimmering light, pale, and wet With the night-dews, the white roses sullenly loom'd Round about her. She spoke not. At length he resumed, "Wrecked creatures we are! I and thou--one and all!

Only able to injure each other and fall, Soon or late, in that void which ourselves we prepare For the souls that we boast of! weak insects we are!

O heaven! and what has become of them? all Those instincts of Eden surviving the Fall: That glorious faith in inherited things: That sense in the soul of the length of her wings; Gone! all gone! and the wail of the night wind sounds human, Bewailing those once nightly visitants! Woman, Woman, what hast thou done with my youth? Give again, Give me back the young heart that I gave thee... in vain!"

"Duke!" she falter'd.

"Yes, yes!" he went on, "I was not Always thus! what I once was, I have not forgot."

VI.

As the wind that heaps sand in a desert, there stirr'd Through his voice an emotion that swept every word Into one angry wail; as, with feverish change, He continued his monologue, fitful and strange.

"Woe to him in whose nature, once kindled, the torch Of Pa.s.sion burns downward to blacken and scorch!

But shame, shame and sorrow, O woman, to thee Whose hand sow'd the seed of destruction in me!

Whose lip taught the lesson of falsehood to mine!

Whose looks made me doubt lies that look'd so divine!

My soul by thy beauty was slain in its sleep: And if tears I mistrust, 'tis that thou too canst weep!

Well!... how utter soever it be, one mistake In the love of a man, what more change need it make In the steps of his soul through the course love began, Than all other mistakes in the life of a man?

And I said to myself, 'I am young yet: too young To have wholly survived my own portion among The great needs of man's life, or exhausted its joys; What is broken? one only of youth's pleasant toys!

Shall I be the less welcome, wherever I go, For one pa.s.sion survived? No! the roses will blow As of yore, as of yore will the nightingales sing, Not less sweetly for one blossom cancell'd from Spring!

Hast thou loved, O my heart? to thy love yet remains All the wide loving-kindness of nature. The plains And the hills with each summer their verdure renew.

Wouldst thou be as they are? do thou then as they do, Let the dead sleep in peace. Would the living divine Where they slumber? Let only new flowers be the sign!'

"Vain! all vain!... For when, laughing, the wine I would quaff, I remember'd too well all it cost me to laugh.

Through the revel it was but the old song I heard, Through the crowd the old footsteps behind me they stirr'd, In the night-wind, the starlight, the murmurs of even, In the ardors of earth, and the languors of heaven, I could trace nothing more, nothing more through the spheres, But the sound of old sobs, and the track of old tears!

It was with me the night long in dreaming or waking, It abided in loathing, when daylight was breaking, The burthen of the bitterness in me! Behold, All my days were become as a tale that is told.

And I said to my sight, 'No good thing shalt thou see, For the noonday is turned to darkness in me.

In the house of Oblivion my bed I have made.'

And I said to the grave, 'Lo, my father!' and said To the worm, 'Lo, my sister!' The dust to the dust, And one end to the wicked shall be with the just!"

VII.

He ceased, as a wind that wails out on the night And moans itself mute. Through the indistinct light A voice clear, and tender, and pure with a tone Of ineffable pity, replied to his own.

"And say you, and deem you, that I wreck'd your life?

Alas! Duc de Luvois, had I been your wife By a fraud of the heart which could yield you alone For the love in your nature a lie in my own, Should I not, in deceiving, have injured you worse?

Yes, I then should have merited justly your curse, For I then should have wrong'd you!"

"Wrong'd! ah, is it so?

You could never have loved me?"

"Duke!"

"Never? oh, no!"

(He broke into a fierce, angry laugh, as he said) "Yet, lady, you knew that I loved you: you led My love on to lay to its heart, hour by hour, All the pale, cruel, beautiful, pa.s.sionless power Shut up in that cold face of yours! was this well?

But enough! not on you would I vent the wild h.e.l.l Which has grown in my heart. Oh, that man! first and last He tramples in triumph my life! he has cast His shadow 'twixt me and the sun... let it pa.s.s!

My hate yet may find him!"

She murmur'd, "Alas!

These words, at least, spare me the pain of reply.

Enough, Duc de Luvois! farewell. I shall try To forget every word I have heard, every sight That has grieved and appall'd me in this wretched night Which must witness our final farewell. May you, Duke, Never know greater cause your own heart to rebuke Than mine thus to wrong and afflict you have had!

Adieu!"

"Stay, Lucile, stay!"... he groaned, "I am mad, Brutalized, blind with pain! I know not what I said.

I mean it not. But" (he moan'd, drooping his head) "Forgive me! I--have I so wrong'd you, Lucile?

I... have I... forgive me, forgive me!"

"I feel Only sad, very sad to the soul," she said, "far, Far too sad for resentment."

"Yet stand as you are One moment," he murmur'd. "I think, could I gaze Thus awhile on your face, the old innocent days Would come back upon me, and this scorching heart Free itself in hot tears. Do not, do not depart Thus, Lucile! stay one moment. I know why you shrink, Why you shudder; I read in your face what you think.

Do not speak to me of it. And yet, if you will, Whatever you say, my own lips shall be still.

I lied. And the truth, now, could justify nought.

There are battles, it may be, in which to have fought Is more shameful than, simply, to fail. Yet, Lucile, Had you help'd me to bear what you forced me to feel--"

"Could I help you," she murmur'd, "but what can I say That your life will respond to?" "My life?" he sigh'd. "Nay, My life hath brought forth only evil, and there The wild wind hath planted the wild weed: yet ere You exclaim, 'Fling the weed to the flames,' think again Why the field is so barren. With all other men First love, though it perish from life, only goes Like the primrose that falls to make way for the rose.

For a man, at least most men, may love on through life: Love in fame; love in knowledge; in work: earth is rife With labor, and therefor, with love, for a man.

If one love fails, another succeeds, and the plan Of man's life includes love in all objects! But I?

All such loves from my life through its whole destiny Fate excluded. The love that I gave you, alas!

Was the sole love that life gave to me. Let that pa.s.s!

It perish'd, and all perish'd with it. Ambition?

Wealth left nothing to add to my social condition.

Fame? But fame in itself presupposes some great Field wherein to pursue and attain it. The State?

I, to cringe to an upstart? The Camp? I, to draw From its sheath the old sword of the Dukes of Luvois To defend usurpation? Books, then? Science, Art?

But, alas! I was fashion'd for action: my heart, Wither'd thing though it be, I should hardly compress 'Twixt the leaves of a treatise on Statics: life's stress Needs scope, not contraction! what rests? to wear out At some dark northern court an existence, no doubt, In wretched and paltry intrigues for a cause As hopeless as is my own life! By the laws Of a fate I can neither control nor dispute, I am what I am!"

VIII.

For a while she was mute.

Then she answer'd, "We are our own fates. Our own deeds Are our doomsmen. Man's life was made not for men's creeds But men's actions. And, Duc de Luvois, I might say That all life attests, that 'the will makes the way.'