Love Under The Big Sky: Falling For Jillian Part 11

"This is what I missed the most," I murmur. "Josh and I used to sneak out at night and come out here to lie in the gra.s.s and watch the stars. Of course,"-I laugh and take her hand in mine, linking our fingers-"Mom knew. She just didn't mind that we were sneaking out to look at stars rather than get in trouble."

"Yeah, sounds like you were real party animals."

"That came a bit later."

"Oh my G.o.d, Zack, look!" She points to the left, where the mountains loom in the darkness, and I see it too. "Are those the northern lights?"

"Looks like we're gonna get a light show." We watch raptly while green and blue streaks fill the sky above the mountain. "Amazing. I've never seen them before."

"Never?" she asks. I glance over at her. Her eyes are wide with wonder as the colorful lights fill the sky.

"What did you miss the most?" I ask her.

"Cara."

I nod and we lie silently for a long while, watching the night sky give us the best show around.

"Why did you stay away for so long?" she asks softly without looking at me. I didn't plan on this being the time when we'd share our secrets, but it's appropriate. Montana is coming to life around us, and this is the most honest, calm moment of my life.

"War sucked a.s.s," I begin and point to another shooting star. "But living with Kensie was worse." Her hand tightens in mine, but otherwise there is no indication that she's uncomfortable, so I continue. "We got pregnant too young. Way too f.u.c.king young. It was a mistake, but I was taught to take care of my responsibilities, so I did. Married her. But with a wife and kid on the way, there was no way I could do college. The army was the best thing for all of us. So we left."

I take a deep breath and let the memories come, wishing it were different.

"It was never good. Kensie is a selfish mess. She was never a touchy-feely mom, and I knew that, but she met Seth's needs. He was just barely in school when I began the deployments, and when I came home on leave, he was always clean and happy."

"What happened?" she asks.

"I don't know for sure. I suspected for a while that Kensie was f.u.c.king around behind my back. I hadn't slept with her in years, even when I was home on leave, and that was on purpose. I couldn't stand her. I think that she saw that Seth was getting older, and able to fend for himself, so she left him to do just that. The kid can cook better than I can."

"But?"

G.o.d, I don't want to talk about this part.

I clear my throat and avoid her eyes when she turns on her side, watching my face.

"Zack?"

"I think she let the f.u.c.kers hurt him. Smack him around." I cover my face with my hands and struggle to breathe.

"How do you know?" she asks softly.

"He mentioned it a few times after he started working with Cara, so I put him in counseling."

"He's doing so great, Zack. He's happy and coming out of his sh.e.l.l."

"I know. Thank G.o.d. But how could I have left him with her for so long . . ."

"You didn't know."

"I knew she was a selfish b.i.t.c.h."

"You didn't know that she'd allow something so horrible to happen to your son. You don't have to be touchy-feely to be a decent human being, Zack. I'm just thankful that she doesn't have anything more to do with either of you."

"You and me both." I let out the breath I've been holding and kiss her forehead. We settle back on the blanket, watching the sky erupt in red, orange, and blue. "You really need to think about whether or not you want to be involved with me and all of my baggage, sugar. 'Cause I have quite a lot of it."

"Who doesn't?" she scoffs.

"You don't seem to."

She erupts in laughter. "I've learned to cope, Zack. So is this what we're doing? Spilling our guts?"

"I spilled some of mine. Maybe not all."

She nods and thinks about it for a minute, then begins in a soft voice.

"My dad beat the s.h.i.t out of my mom my whole life, and when Ty was away at college, he almost killed her."

Rage boils up from my gut and my hands curl into fists. Ty is one of my oldest friends, so of course I knew some of what happened when he came home after graduation, but to hear it come from her lips, so matter-of-fact, it p.i.s.ses me off all over again.

"Seeing Lauren in the hospital after Jack attacked her brought a lot of that baggage to the surface for me. I've had a few bad nights."

"I'm sorry, baby. I wish I'd known."

"I don't think I was ready for you yet," she admits. "And there's more. It's a long story, but the gist of it is, my ex-husband was a cheating b.a.s.t.a.r.d. He couldn't keep it in his pants, and I realize now that that wasn't my fault. But one thing you should know is . . ."

She pauses and bites her lip and then glances over at me with scared eyes.

"What?"

"I can't ever have babies, Zack. I can't get pregnant. We tried for years, worked with doctors, and it's just not ever going to happen."

The grief in her voice is my undoing. I pull her into my arms and kiss her head. "I'm sorry. Are you okay?"

"I'm healthy," she confirms. "There's no medical reason for it, it just is. So if you want to run, now might be the right time to do it."

"Stop." I pull back to look her in the eye. "We are going to take this one day at a time, sugar. See where it goes. I haven't really given having more kids much thought. Seth is awesome, and a handful. I just want to enjoy you, continue spending time with you." I lean in to whisper in her ear. "Be inside you as often as humanly possible."

She giggles and kisses my cheek.

"We'll figure the rest out."

"Okay."

"Now, lie back and watch this amazing show I arranged just for you."

"This is pretty impressive," she agrees and snuggles up to my side to watch the sky. We lie in silence for a long while until something suddenly occurs to me.

"Wait. Does this mean we don't need condoms?"

She shrugs nonchalantly and grins. "Maybe."

I cover her body with mine and bury my fingers in her spectacular hair. "Maybe what?"

Her eyes narrow and she suddenly looks uncertain.

"Until our amazing night this summer"-I kiss her lips-"I hadn't been with a woman in close to four years. I didn't cheat on my wife, Jill. I've had plenty of workups while in the army and I'm as healthy as can be."

"I had myself checked too, especially after I found out Todd had been . . ." She can't finish the sentence and I smooth my hand down her cheek.

"So, we don't need them?" I ask hopefully.

"I guess not."

I jump up to my feet and tug her up with me, roll the blankets up into a ball, and pull her behind me to the house.

"Hey! What about the big, amazing Montana winter sky?"

"f.u.c.k the sky. I get to sink into you without a barrier between us, and I'm not waiting another minute."

"Thank G.o.d."

CHAPTER.

Seven.

JILLIAN.

"Dad! I'm home!" Seth stomps through the house, greeted by a very excited Thor. "Hey, buddy! Where's Dad?"

"Hey, Seth." It's Sunday morning and Zack and I are in the game room, me working some more on my phone, which makes me crazy-I wish I'd brought my computer-and Zack reading on his iPad. "You're home early."

"Josiah's dad said the roads were good enough, so he brought me home. Why is Jill's car here?" He spies me sitting on the couch and he smiles shyly. "Hi, Jill."

"Hi," I reply with a smile, wondering how Zack is going to explain this. We had agreed that I'd leave before Seth returned home.

"Jill was out here yesterday to see Cara and she got stuck here because of the weather, just like you got stuck in town. She's waiting for the roads to clear up."

"Oh." He shrugs and pets his dog. "What are we gonna do today?"

"Good question." Zack grins over at me. "Can you stay for the afternoon?"

"If you would both like me to," I reply carefully. "What do you have in mind?"

"It's warm enough to take the snowmobiles out," Zack suggests.

"Woo-hoo!" Seth exclaims and thrusts his fist in the air. "Can I drive?"

"You can drive in the field, where there are no fences or animals," Zack says with a smile. "What do you say?"

Both of them stare at me hopefully. Even Thor looks hopeful with his tongue lolling out of his mouth. They're so handsome, how can I refuse them?

"Come on, Jill," Seth says while bouncing on his toes. "It's so fun! You can ride with me. I'll keep you safe."

Zack's gaze swings down at his son and then back to me with pride. I wink at him and then shrug. "Well, how can I resist that offer? Sounds like fun."

"Go put your stuff in your room, Seth, and then we'll go."

Seth takes off like a shot up the stairs to his room, his dog running with him.

"You don't have to take me along," I say quietly. "I can just go on home and you can spend the afternoon with Seth."

I push my phone in my pocket, and then Zack steps to me and tugs me to my feet and into his arms for a big hug.

"I want you to come with us. It'll be fun."

I lower my voice to a whisper as I hear Seth clomp down the hallway upstairs. "Do you really think you're ready for me to start hanging out with your kid?"

"My kid already knows you, Jillian." He kisses my forehead and then steps away as Seth runs back into the room, dressed in snow pants and jacket.

He stops on a dime and looks back and forth between us with narrowed eyes. Just when I'm sure he's going to ask what's going on, he says, "Can we go now?"

"Let's go," Zack confirms. Seth and Thor run out the back door toward a big garage beside the barn. Zack and I take our time with our coats and boots, gloves and scarves. He tugs the ends of my scarf until I'm plastered up against him so he can steal a quick kiss. "Not gonna be able to do that for a while."

"I think you'll survive it." I shake my head and chuckle when he pushes his fingers into my hair and combs through it.

"Let's go before I carry you upstairs, sugar."

"Dad, are you coming?" Seth yells from inside the garage. He's already opened the big door and is standing next to the snowmobiles. "Can I take Grandma's? Please?"

Zack looks between Seth and the smaller of the four snowmobiles sitting in the garage.

"I don't know, Seth . . ."