Lost In Translation Part 35

"Congshi zhaolai!" she spat at Guo. she spat at Guo.

"Of course I'm telling the truth."

"Your information's good?"

"Miss Mo, dangran-le, dangran-le, Hasn't it always been good?" Hasn't it always been good?"

She nodded. "Yes." She steadied her breathing. "It has...."

Lin came out. "Now, tell me everything."

"Eh, all right, I'll speak frankly." Guo relaxed into his self-important smile. "To be honest, I know only the general line of events."

Lin waited.

"Your wife's name was Zhang Meiyan. Is it not so?" Guo paused as if this was a masterful stroke of detective work, when in fact it was only information given him by Alice.

"Yes."

"So. Two different people told me this story. Each was in Camp Fourteen with your wife. Each said they knew her fate."

"And her fate was?" Lin's voice was deadly quiet.

"That she fell ill with cholera in 1976. Some who got sick recovered. A few, at least. Not her. She went away. That is all! I can direct you to the place where she is buried. It would not be difficult-if you want to go."

"You say there is no question, she is dead?"

"It's a certainty! She is dead. Of course the laogai bosses, laogai bosses, I am not surprised they never gave you this information! Many people, when they try to go through official channels to learn someone's fate, are only told: this or that prisoner committed suicide. Eh! Well! How can it be! Do so many millions of those arrested as fan I am not surprised they never gave you this information! Many people, when they try to go through official channels to learn someone's fate, are only told: this or that prisoner committed suicide. Eh! Well! How can it be! Do so many millions of those arrested as fan geming, geming, then perhaps interrogated, perhaps worse, then perhaps interrogated, perhaps worse, actually actually commit suicide? Of course not! Eh! Lin Boshi. commit suicide? Of course not! Eh! Lin Boshi. Shi-ma?" Shi-ma?"

"Shi." Lin looked battered, as if these words themselves were the struggle sessions, the torture, the beatings, the starvation and sickness. Lin looked battered, as if these words themselves were the struggle sessions, the torture, the beatings, the starvation and sickness.

"Is that what they told you, then, when you made your inquiries-that she had committed suicide? Or did they tell you"-Guo twisted his mouth derisively at this particular evasion-"that they did not know her outcome?"

"I did not make those kinds of inquiries."

A balloon of silence dropped awkwardly over the room.

"But, Lin." Alice stumbled. "Why wouldn't you have done that? Isn't that the first thing everybody does? I thought you had done that years ago."

"Maybe I should have done it," Lin said softly. "But I didn't. Wo pa wo rens...o...b..liao," Wo pa wo rens...o...b..liao," I didn't think I could bear it. "And how could I believe what they told me anyway? For that matter"-he turned his searching gaze to Guo-"how can I believe what you are telling me now?" I didn't think I could bear it. "And how could I believe what they told me anyway? For that matter"-he turned his searching gaze to Guo-"how can I believe what you are telling me now?"

Guo's face, for a moment, was as open and wondering as that of a child. "But, Professor Lin, why should you not believe me? It is not as if you have heard competing accounts of your wife's fate! In fact, all the evidence is on the same side-the two versions I was given of Zhang Meiyan's ending were completely alike. And, as I told you"-he stopped and nodded sympathetically-"you can go to the place where she is buried. You can see for yourself."

"Even then I could not be sure it was really she who was buried there."

"Ah, Lin ..." Alice whispered, though he did not seem to hear.

Guo drew his brows together. Until this moment he had been controlling the conversation. Now it had careened into the not quite rational. "But, Lin Shiyang. How can you tell if any any person's grave truly holds their remains? Eh? You can't! You merely take it on faith. Faith! It's what all people-" person's grave truly holds their remains? Eh? You can't! You merely take it on faith. Faith! It's what all people-"

"That's enough, Guo," Alice said softly.

The thin man shrugged.

Lin stood like a stone, not answering.

"Well," Guo said, turning to Alice, "I've done what was asked-and more. Have I not? Now. It is my admittedly indiscreet but inescapable duty to remind you that we did not specifically discuss payment for this particular-"

"Stop it." She jabbed a finger at her lips.

He raised his palms in acquiescence.

She yanked out a desk drawer, rifled through the special small folder where she kept her pa.s.sport. There; some twenty-dollar U.S. bills. She took a couple out. "Take this." She shoved it into his hands. "Now go!"

She propelled him toward the door.

He craned around. "Dr. Lin! A thousand tears of sympathy!"

Lin had lowered himself heavily to the floor. His eyes were closed.

"May the bitter sea grow sweet!"

Alice shut the door hard. She heard Guo's tinkle of face-saving laughter from the hall, and then the sound of his footsteps, at last, receding.

"Lin," she said softly to him.

He seemed not to hear.

She sank beside him, touched his shoulder.

He twisted his body away.

She laced her hands over her forehead and held it, hard, as if otherwise it might fly apart. Zhongguo yi pan san sha, Zhongguo yi pan san sha, China is a plate of sand. "Do you believe it now, Shiyang? About Zhang Meiyan?" China is a plate of sand. "Do you believe it now, Shiyang? About Zhang Meiyan?"

"Why do you always press me! Can you not defer your impulses, even once-"

"I'm sorry," she said, suddenly small.

His voice softened. "One hears stories-one never knows...."

"Shiyang."

He was silent. She wanted to touch him but knew, right now, she should not. "You can go on your whole life like this, you know. You can grow old this way. It's your choice."

He said nothing.

"Or you can accept it."

He nodded reluctantly.

A half-nauseous hook tugged at her, deep down, as she studied his face. He might never change. He seemed to have something inside him that was not on the track the rest of the world was on. Be aware, her senses hissed. Yet within, at the same moment, her heart turned over in tender revolt. She could just handle it, couldn't she? Accept him, Quan xin, quan Quan xin, quan yi. yi. She felt a spurt of release. Even with Jian, with all the love, she had not felt this. She felt a spurt of release. Even with Jian, with all the love, she had not felt this.

Because Lin was just a man, anyway. Damaged. But doing the best he could.

"I should go," he said. "Get dressed."

"Yes."

When the door closed she felt all limp and pulled apart. It seemed like forever before she could get up and start moving around the room, tidying up.

Meiyan was dead.

And she and Lin had only to get through this nightmare.

She snapped the cover up on the bed, straightened the pillow. Of course Meiyan was dead. She'd been gone so many years. Lin just had this wall inside him.

Like me, Alice thought guiltily. On the one side America, English, my childhood, on the other side China and Chinese and life as a woman. No kai fang, kai fang, no open doors. The wall ma.s.sive, thick, medieval, like the walls that enclosed the Forbidden City and guarded its secrets and wrapped its emperors in the dreams and illusions which were ultimately to bring down their dynasties. The Great Within. no open doors. The wall ma.s.sive, thick, medieval, like the walls that enclosed the Forbidden City and guarded its secrets and wrapped its emperors in the dreams and illusions which were ultimately to bring down their dynasties. The Great Within.

How many times, in Beijing, she'd contemplated those walls.

This was how she and Lin were alike.

She washed, dressed, sat on the bed, and waited for him to come back. He'd come back in a while, they'd talk, the air would clear. Everything would be all right.

There was a knock on the door. "Lin?" She crossed the room in a few quick steps, yanked open the door.

A fuwuyuan. fuwuyuan. One she had never seen before. One she had never seen before.

"You are"-the woman glanced down at a paper she was holding, struggled to p.r.o.nounce-"Aliss-Manwa-gen-"

"Alice Mannegan?" Her heart sank. "Yes."

The fuwuyuan fuwuyuan thrust the folded paper at her. thrust the folded paper at her. "Dianbao." "Dianbao." Telegram. Telegram.

Alice tore it open. It was from Roger.

Tests back. Prostate cancer. Advanced. Sorry. Advise your travel plans ASAP.

Alice stared at the paper.

"Huidian-ma?" the the fuwuyuan fuwuyuan said impatiently, Will you reply? said impatiently, Will you reply?

Alice swallowed. The floor was opening up under her. "Not right now. I have to think."

The young woman's bean-shaped Tartar face was empty. "When you want to reply, contact the cable office. In the bank." Then she turned, closed the door, and was gone.

Alice read the telegram over and over, as if maybe the horror would change into something else. It didn't. It still read death. Shaking, she opened the drawer, pulled the ling-pai ling-pai out from under the clothes. She read the inscription through again. How could it be real? First Meng Shaowen. Now Horace. out from under the clothes. She read the inscription through again. How could it be real? First Meng Shaowen. Now Horace.

The door clicked open and Lin Shiyang walked in. "Lin." She stepped toward him, still clutching the ling-pai ling-pai and the telegram. "I need to talk to you. I'm going to be leaving, as soon as possible-" and the telegram. "I need to talk to you. I'm going to be leaving, as soon as possible-"

"That doesn't surprise me," he interrupted coldly. He shut the door behind him, leaned against it. She saw his eyes were dark, furious. "But first I need to know if it's true." doesn't surprise me," he interrupted coldly. He shut the door behind him, leaned against it. She saw his eyes were dark, furious. "But first I need to know if it's true."

"If what is true?"

"What Guo Wenxiang has just told me! I met him in the courtyard outside. We talked. Is it true, then?"

"You mean Zhang Meiyan? How can I be the one to say? Listen, my heart-"

"You call me your heart! Is that just honey in your mouth? I am not talking about Zhang Meiyan! I am talking about you -Mo Ai-li! I am talking about your secrets. Well! Is it true?"

She froze, a concrete ball of fear plummeting her to the ocean floor. Was what true? That houses were burned in her Was what true? That houses were burned in her name, for Alice, for Alice Mannegan? Children murdered? name, for Alice, for Alice Mannegan? Children murdered? When she spoke it was in the tiniest voice. "I don't know what you mean." When she spoke it was in the tiniest voice. "I don't know what you mean."

"Eh, well then, I'll speak frankly! Do you follow convenience?"

She shrank from his words, from his eyes boring into her. Suibian, Suibian, Follow convenience, the horrible euphemism, the woman who goes here and there as she pleases, her legs open, her promises unkept. Follow convenience, the horrible euphemism, the woman who goes here and there as she pleases, her legs open, her promises unkept.

"Well?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Guo says that on July nineteenth you went to Ningxia University and picked up a man! A strange man! You talked with him for a few minutes and then went with him to his home! Well?"

"Who says this! How do you know!"

"Please, Ai-li." He blinked scornfully. "This is China! Eyes are everywhere! Secrets jump from one to another in a flash! Ni mei tingshuo-guo ma? Ni mei tingshuo-guo ma? Zhi Zhi bao bu zhu huo." bao bu zhu huo." Haven't you heard it said? You can't wrap a fire in paper. Haven't you heard it said? You can't wrap a fire in paper.

How? The PLA? The pedicab driver? People paid by Guo? But it didn't matter. He knew.

"Well?"

"Lin, it is true, I met a man and I went with him to his home. But nothing happened! We talked, for no more than a short time, and I left! Surely your"-she paused to lay a scornful emphasis on the word - "informant "informant told you this as well!" told you this as well!"

His voice faltered. "Yes, it was said that you left the man's apartment quickly. But, Ai-li, why would you do this thing? Why would you follow convenience with a stranger? Does a man like me not hold your interest?"

She paused, wondering how she could possibly explain herself to him. There was the within within of things-she was the Alice from the Alice Speech, the daughter of Horace Mannegan -and there was the pragmatic side of things too. She was a woman of unique sensibilities. How many men had she met in her life, her whole life, who could truly match her? Ten? Twelve? Cut that down to those who had been single and available, and the total shrank to six or eight. Counting Jian. Counting Lin. And in between meeting such men, years had gone by. What was she supposed to do? Wait alone? Shrivel? Men did not wait alone. Even Lin, she guessed, had not gone without all these years. of things-she was the Alice from the Alice Speech, the daughter of Horace Mannegan -and there was the pragmatic side of things too. She was a woman of unique sensibilities. How many men had she met in her life, her whole life, who could truly match her? Ten? Twelve? Cut that down to those who had been single and available, and the total shrank to six or eight. Counting Jian. Counting Lin. And in between meeting such men, years had gone by. What was she supposed to do? Wait alone? Shrivel? Men did not wait alone. Even Lin, she guessed, had not gone without all these years.

But all this, she could not begin to confide. So she chose the obvious excuse. "Shiyang, of course you hold my interest. You more than hold my interest! You have my whole heart. I haven't really told you yet, Shiyang, how I feel, but believe me ..." She swallowed. "The thing is, at that time we were not lovers. Don't you remember? We had barely begun to talk! We were-"

"Force words and twist logic! Were we not talking talking as a man and a woman? Was not the journey between us begun?" as a man and a woman? Was not the journey between us begun?"

She hesitated. "Yes."

He squeezed his eyes shut. "Everyone says this is the way Western women are! That when they f.u.c.k you they open up everything for you, so you think you are making love to their heart, their true heart-when in fact it is merely their s.e.x, which is nothing more than a well-traveled road!"

Tears sprang to her eyes. "That's so unfair! I'm an individual, I'm Alice, Mo Ai-li, I'm someone who-who"-she closed her eyes. Just say it Just say it "-who loves you." She paused. "Judge me on myself. Don't treat me like I'm all Western women." "-who loves you." She paused. "Judge me on myself. Don't treat me like I'm all Western women."

The softening that had come over his face when he heard the word ai, ai, Love, dissolved quickly back into anger. "Why not, when that is how you treat me? Remember the other night when we were, we were"-he paused, as if the word were suddenly distasteful to him- Love, dissolved quickly back into anger. "Why not, when that is how you treat me? Remember the other night when we were, we were"-he paused, as if the word were suddenly distasteful to him- "f.u.c.king, "f.u.c.king, you said I was the true Chinese man? At the time I did not know what you meant. But now I understand. Because Guo did some checking on you. You do follow convenience! Everywhere you go. And only with Chinese men! As if we're all the same, we're all ..." He swallowed, stopped. His bottomless black eyes widened in astonishment. "Eh! What! What is that thing you're holding?" you said I was the true Chinese man? At the time I did not know what you meant. But now I understand. Because Guo did some checking on you. You do follow convenience! Everywhere you go. And only with Chinese men! As if we're all the same, we're all ..." He swallowed, stopped. His bottomless black eyes widened in astonishment. "Eh! What! What is that thing you're holding?"

The cliff of shock gave way under her and she realized she was still holding the ling-pai. ling-pai. She stood speechless. She stood speechless.