Light in the Shadows Part 9

I understood why they were concerned. I'd be coming face to face with the boy who had ripped my heart out and left me a broken mess. They understood my compulsive need to help him. And seeing him in mourning was sure to bring out all of those feelings again.

But that didn't mean I would act on any of those instincts. I would be there to pay my respects to a woman I had come to love and admire. That was the priority today. Clay was in my past. And while I could offer my condolences, I would leave it at that.

"I'm sad, you know? I hadn't really talked to Lisa in months, but she was such a wonderful person," I said honestly. My mom nodded, sipping on her coffee. My dad looked at me over the top of the newspaper, his brows furrowed.

"I'm not sure going to Ruby's house afterwards is the best idea. We'll go to the funeral and then I think we should head home," my father said. I stopped chewing and dropped my fork onto my plate.

"Dad, of course we should go to Ruby's. It would be rude not to," I argued. Honestly, I was terrified at the prospect of walking into Ruby's house again. But I needed to go. It seemed irrationally important that I be there.

"I'm sure there will be enough people there, we won't be missed. I just think it would be uncomfortable. And that's the last thing Ruby needs today," my dad said, closing the newspaper and setting it down on the table.

"Uncomfortable for who, Dad? Is this about Ruby or more about you?" I asked sharply.

My dad's face flushed and I instantly regretted snapping at him. Time to try a different approach.

"Please, Dad. I need to be there for Ruby," I pleaded. My mom watched me closely.

"And Clay?" she asked casually. Too casually.

I took a deep breath. "Of course, Clay too. But today is about Lisa. Nothing else," I hurried on. My parents shared a look but didn't say anything else. I ate the rest of my breakfast in a thick silence. The bacon and pancakes sitting like lead in my stomach.

It was eleven by the time I finished. I got up to rinse my dishes in the sink. My parents each gave me a kiss before heading out to run some errands before the funeral. They hadn't brought up going to Ruby's house again and I still wasn't sure whether I would be permitted to go or not. But I knew if they nixed the idea, I couldn't argue. I wouldn't go down that road again, defying my parents for Clay.

Rachel and Daniel showed up around noon and I was thankful for the distraction. Rachel looked pretty in her black, knee length dress. Daniel cleaned up nicely in a grey suit and dark blue tie. He was letting his blonde hair grow out and it fell in curls over his forehead.

They came in and we made our way up to my room. "So, I heard from Jake that you cancelled our plans for tonight," Daniel commented, taking his jacket off and laying it over my desk chair.

"We're not going out tonight?" Rachel asked, looking at me in surprise. I clenched my teeth together.

"I just didn't think I'd be up to it after this afternoon, alright?" I said defensively, sitting down on the edge of my bed, careful not to crease my skirt. Rachel and Daniel looked at one another and I could interpret all too well their silent communication.

"Mags, come on, I think it will be good for you to get out tonight," Daniel said gently, moving clothes off of my vanity stool so Rachel could sit down. I sighed, really hoping that they would just let it drop. But seeing the firm set of Danny's jaw, I knew they wouldn't.

"Is this about Jake? Because I only agreed to go with him because he sort of wore me down. I don't really like him like that..." I started and Danny shook his head.

"This has absolutely nothing to do with Jake and absolutely f.u.c.king everything to do with Clay," he bit out angrily. Whoa, where was this coming from?

"Danny," Rachel warned quietly. I looked between the two of them, getting frustrated by their complete lack of faith in me.

"Look you two, stop freaking out about this. I will tell you the same thing I told my parents, it's a funeral. I will be going to pay my respects to Lisa. Who happens to be someone I had come to care a lot about. Stop making this all about Clay, it's ridiculous and more than a little disrespectful," I scolded them.

Rachel had the decency to look contrite. Daniel on the other hand simply stared back at me belligerently. "Don't act like seeing Clay won't f.u.c.k with your head, Mags. You forget it was Rachel and I who sat here day after day while you totally fell apart over that guy. I feel bad for him. I know this is hard on him. But I wish like h.e.l.l he wasn't here. Because I'm worried what this will do to you." I bit my tongue on the hateful comment that wanted to fly out of my mouth.

"Jeeze, give me a little credit here. You're making me feel really pathetic," I mumbled. Rachel shot a dark look at her boyfriend before turning to me.

"We don't mean to make you feel that way. And what Daniel was so ineloquently trying to say, was that we're just worried." I threw my hands up in the air in frustration.

"Stop worrying!" I said louder than I meant to.

Daniel crossed the room and put his arm around my shoulder. He stooped down to kiss my cheek. "Not possible, babe. We love you," he said warmly and any irritation I was feeling melted away. d.a.m.n Daniel Lowe and his stupid considerate a.s.s.

"I love you too, you f.u.c.kwad," I grumbled, elbowing him in the side. And I knew that I was lucky to have so many people that loved me. I just wish Clay were so lucky.

Chapter Eleven.

-Clay-

The couch was starting to kill my back. Three nights of sleeping on the lumpy cushions and I would be walking hunched over all day. Okay, so yes I had a perfectly good bed upstairs in my room but I had yet to go up there.

So maybe I was a coward, but I just wasn't ready to open the door and be confronted with the thousands of memories within those four walls. Being back in Davidson was hard enough. Every street, every shop, every stupid tree carried with it a dozen memories of the person I left behind. And it seriously sucked. I really wanted to leave. This was much harder than I had thought it would be.

I had known it was going to be tough. Ruby's grief was hard to watch. She was barely eating and I knew she wasn't sleeping. I could hear her pacing the floors upstairs all night. It seemed to take everything out of her to get dressed in the morning.

My overzealous aunt had been reduced to this person completely devoid of life. And if she wasn't handling Lisa's death well, what chance did I have?

I had spoken to Dr. Todd every day, just as promised. He didn't sound particularly concerned when I mentioned how difficult this trip was turning out to be. He just let me process and reviewed my coping skills with me. Though yesterday he suggested calling twice a day instead of once. He had also encouraged me to talk to Jean, my substance abuse counselor at the center.

I hadn't done that yet. I was feeling overly shrinked as it was. And today I needed to focus on Ruby and the funeral and getting through it without doing something stupid.

Because every night I lay on the couch, listening to the sounds of Ruby's footsteps and I wanted to scream. I was just so f.u.c.king angry. Angry with Lisa for falling asleep behind the wheel. Angry with Ruby for falling apart like she was. Angry with myself for feeling all the above.

I wanted to cut myself so badly that I could taste it. There were times I'd find myself in the kitchen, my fingers aching to reach for a knife or the pair of scissors. Forcing myself to leave the room and get away from what taunted me was getting harder and harder to do. I usually ended up pulling out my journal and spending hours writing in it. Okay, so maybe it wasn't a completely useless exercise because it did help (something I would never say aloud).

But I was exhausted and feeling a little sick. I had so much to do today. I needed to get down to the church in a few hours to make sure everything was set up. The funeral director would be handling most of the arrangements, but I wanted to make sure it was all as it needed to be. After the church, there would be a grave side service, followed by a friends and family gathering here.

I had worked my a.s.s off to clean the place up. A caterer would be here later to drop off food. I had planned it all down to the tiniest detail. Keeping myself busy helped some. I was able to turn off the emotions that otherwise would have flayed me alive. I was driving on auto pilot for now and I was happy to do so.

I had time later to deal with my own grief. Right now it was all about taking care of Ruby and getting through the day.

I got to my feet, rolling my head to try to loosen up the kinks in my neck. The couch could be construed as a form of torture. I accidentally knocked Lisa's gla.s.ses to the floor from their spot on the coffee table.

They were still there. The half full coffee cup as well. It was starting to grow mold on the rim, but when I had tried to move it, Ruby had freaked out. So I had left it alone. Picking up my phone I checked the time.

s.h.i.t, it was already eleven-thirty. I needed to get a move on. I opened my suitcase and pulled out my grey slacks and a black b.u.t.ton down shirt. I hung them on the kitchen door and got out the ironing board.

I was busy ironing when Ruby finally emerged. She was still in her robe; her red hair looked as though it hadn't seen a brush in a year. Dark circles ringed her eyes and her lips were cracked and chapped from her gnawing at them.

"Morning," I said, watching her open the cabinet and pulling down a mug. She gave me a tiny smile as she started to grind coffee beans. "You want me to make you some breakfast?" I asked after I finished ironing my shirt.

Ruby shook her head and waited for her coffee to brew. The silence in the kitchen made me antsy. I watched my aunt who seemed to be barely functioning and I just couldn't handle it anymore.

I left her, staring at the coffee pot and went out into the back yard. The air was cold and it had started to drizzle. I drew the frigid air into my lungs and held it there until my chest burned with the need to breathe.

Letting the air out slowly I wished I had developed a taste for nicotine, because I needed something to do with my itchy hands. I couldn't do this. f.u.c.k me, I just couldn't. I knew there was nowhere I would be than right here, but at that moment, it seemed like purgatory.

G.o.d, I wished I was back in Florida. I pulled my phone out and dialed Dr. Todd's direct line. It rang and rang. On the eleventh ring, I hung up. It was Sat.u.r.day; of course he wasn't in his office. I had his personal number somewhere in my suitcase but didn't have the energy to go looking for it. I guess I could call the main number and talk to another staff person on duty, but I wasn't entirely comfortable with that.

I stood there warring with myself when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked down in surprise to see Ruby staring out into the yard, her hand clutching my sleeve. "Thank you, Clay. For everything you've done," she whispered, her voice sounding hoa.r.s.e.

I closed my eyes. I could do this. Ruby needed me. I had to stop being so G.o.dd.a.m.ned weak. I brought my hand up to cover hers and we stood that way, in the cold. Two people barely holding on but trying desperately to keep each other going.

"We should start getting ready," Ruby said, squeezing my fingers before letting go. She seemed to be trying to pull herself together and I was unfairly grateful for that. Because again, that horribly selfish part of me needed her strength for myself. I was scared as h.e.l.l that if she depended too much on mine I'd only let her down.

"Okay. We should probably get over to the church soon. See if there's any last minute details we need to go over," I said. Ruby nodded and went back inside. I stood out there for another few minutes, finally focusing on my own feelings of sadness and grief.

This sadness was painfully familiar. The silent, open mouthed suffering was something I had felt entirely too much of in my life. The barely controllable urge to purge my grief with the slice of a razor was overwhelming, its kiss sweet on my skin. I could almost hear the darkness whisper in my ear, a taunting tease of potential relief.

I had known this was the risk of coming back here. I knew that it resurrected a thousand instincts to hurt, to maim and to destroy everything inside of me. Everything that I had worked so hard to rebuild. But progress was a flimsy thing. And the need to tear it all down was a much stronger adversary.

Leaving the center was like leaving a warm and safe coc.o.o.n and being thrown headfirst into complete and utter chaos. From the moment my plane had touched down in Virginia, I struggled to remember that I was in control of these traitorous feelings. That it was my choice to cope in a healthier way. That was what Dr. Todd kept drilling into my head. It's my choice. MINE!

But returning to Davidson, particularly under these circ.u.mstances, was proving a true test of my new found resolve. The meds helped. I was taking them as scheduled. So I could tick that off my responsible Clayton Reed list.

The stuff I had learned in therapy rattled around in my head, reminding me to breathe. To re-frame. To talk myself off the cliff I was already in danger of toppling over.

But like I said before, Ruby needed me. And even though it made my anxiety that much more acute, I needed to remember that. But I had always been the needy one. The truth was I needed Ruby. Maggie. Lisa. Even as I had always denied needing anyone.

And now I was the one being leaned on and I wasn't so sure I could handle the pressure. The longer it went on, the harder it became. I was brittle and raw and I knew that Dr. Todd's concerns about me coming back were legitimate ones.

I was on a precariously slippery slope. The wrong move, the wrong thought and I would be sliding down on my a.s.s. And the landing would be hard.

But that didn't change the fact that I had responsibilities. And that trumped everything else. It had to.

I was making it through the day. Barely. The light drizzle from earlier had changed into a steady downpour. Even the weather was in mourning. Everything felt dark. I focused on my d.a.m.n breathing even as my guts knotted up inside of me.

Breathe in. Breathe out. I swear I could write my own book on all the different ways to freaking breathe.

I needed to pull it together. I needed to be the man Ruby could count on, not just someone to leech on everyone else's strength. It's in times of crisis that your merit is proven? Well I had a h.e.l.l of a lot to prove right now. To myself and to everyone who doubted I could be anything more than the crazy kid ready to go over the edge.

I was engaged in this furious internal dialogue. Jumping back and forth between giving myself a perky little pep talk and mentally screaming at myself to man up. I was totally absorbed in it, trying to get up the nerve to go to the front of the church and sit with Ruby in the pew where she sat quietly sobbing.

I had been able to lose myself in the final arrangements when we had arrived, but now the start of the service drew closer and I was cracking up a bit. Okay, not a bit...a lot.

I watched as people stopped by Ruby to talk to her. She was trying to be polite but she was so consumed by her grief that she could do little more than nod. I should get up there and help her out, but I felt rooted to the spot.

It was all almost too much to bear. But I really needed to get over that. It wasn't fair to leave her alone. Not now. Not when she had never abandoned me when I needed her. But there was that part of me that fought for self-preservation and I knew this whole scene had the makings of my own personal disaster.

I was very close to running out the side door and never looking back. Drive straight to the airport and jump on the first available flight out of f.u.c.king Virginia.

I had almost talked myself into it when I felt a stirring in the air. It was an intense humming that took my body completely by surprise. The hair rose up on the back of my neck and I just knew.

She was here.

Maggie.

And just like that, the fuzzy black faded away and everything clicked into place. My heart thudded into over drive and palms started to sweat so I shoved them into the pockets of my grey slacks.

Of course she came. I knew she'd be there. And though I tried not to allow myself the hope of seeing her, I couldn't deny that I had longed for it all the same.

And here she was, looking the same only better. Her dark hair looked shorter and was pulled back in a low ponytail. She wore a black wool coat over a dark green dress. She looked beautiful and perfect and the embodiment of everything I had always craved.

She walked into the church, flanked by her parents. I barely noticed them or the fact that Rachel and Daniel followed close behind. My eyes were only for her. I knew I should go to Ruby. But I couldn't make myself move. I stood there, rooted to the spot, not sure if I wanted Maggie to see me or not, even as I screamed at her in my head to look at me.

Please.

As much as I missed her and dreamed of this moment, I was scared of it. Too much had changed. Yet seeing her, my heart and body reacted the same as it always had. She had been my crutch and now she was something else entirely, a painful reminder of all the ways I screwed up. But watching my gorgeous girl move through the crowd of people, I only saw the person I had pinned my future on. And that was both exhilarating and terrifying.

But G.o.d, I loved her. She was the piece I had been missing for the last three months. She was everything I wanted in my life but was still unsure I deserved. And this was why I wasn't any good for her. My feelings about Maggie May Young were too intense, too consuming and they always threatened to swallow me whole.

But then she lifted her eyes and met mine and everything else disappeared. Her eyes were bright and I could see the way her chest started to rise and fall more rapidly. Before I realized what I was doing, I was moving toward her at the same instant that she began to make her journey down the aisle of the church.

I saw Rachel over her shoulder, her eyes wide, her hand reaching out to possibly stop Maggie. But there was no detaining her. Our eyes never left each other as we worked to bridge the physical distance between us.

It was like every time we were together. Our bodies...o...b..ted around each other as if pulled by an invisible force that we had no control over.

I wanted this. And I wanted to run from it. I wanted to pull her in and never let go. And I wanted to push her away.

Two minutes. That's all it took for my head to short circuit.

Maggie stopped five feet away and we stood there, staring at each other. I didn't know what to say. What worked as appropriate chitchat when you saw the love of your life again after breaking her heart? And at a funeral no less.

I could see she was struggling as much as I was. And I hated that. Her face was flushed and I could see her pulse fluttering in her neck. I wanted to taste her skin and feel her heart beat beneath my lips.

So instead, I went for the anti-climactic.

"Hi," I said softly. Maggie closed her eyes, as if in pain and when she opened them again, they were wet with tears.

"Hi," she said, barely loud enough for anyone to hear. But I could hear her. I could always hear her. I wanted to reach out and touch her, my fingers tingled with antic.i.p.ation. As if they were already plotting ways to do so. My breathing became shallow and I felt light headed.

The emotional punch to the gut was enough to leave me reeling. And apparently Maggie was feeling the same way. We stood there, staring at each other, unconcerned by the rest of the people in the room.

My eyes drank in the sight of her after so long. I was drowning and parched all at the same time. My senses were desperate to see, smell, taste, touch every inch of Maggie May Young. But I was also overwhelmed by her presence. Because with her came a deluge of memories that I wasn't prepared to deal with. Ones that left me shattered and torn apart.

The last time I had seen her I had been lying in a hospital bed and her face had been red and splotchy from crying. The ringing of what I thought was her betrayal loud in my ears. I had turned on her. Turned on myself. And I had almost taken us both down in my delusions.