Light in the Shadows Part 4

"Happy Birthday, Clay," Jonathan said, grinning as I stuck the pin into my shirt. I grinned back, displaying my b.u.t.ton proudly.

"Thanks, Jon. Just what I always wanted," I joked as the aide left. I went to my dresser and pulled out some clothes and then gathered my shower stuff.

"Hurry up, Clay. The kitchen staff will make you whatever you want on your birthday. So unless you want to choke down a s.h.i.t tasting bagel with the rest of us, make it snappy." I snorted at Tyler.

"Yes sir, I'll make it snappy," I replied sarcastically. But Tyler was right. I wasn't missing out on a southwest omelet for nothin'. I couldn't get rid of the ridiculous smile on my face as I got ready for my day.

This happy stuff was pretty awesome.

By around two in the afternoon I was officially in the birthday spirit. Maria, Tyler and a few of our other friends made a big production of wheeling out a cake during lunch time. Maria insisted I wear a pointed birthday hat made of cheap card board. I played along, not being able to help but enjoy the whole thing.

The counselors had gotten me a new journal (oh joy) and some books about loving myself or whatever. I didn't get hung up on the cheesiness of it and just appreciated the fact that they thought to get me anything at all. Louis the center's administrator gave me some coupons redeemable for different privileges, like extra TV time and a few "get out of ch.o.r.es" tickets. It may not seem like a lot, but to the patients at Grayson, those coupons were like gold.

Everyone was going out of their way to make me feel special. Which was definitely needed when by late afternoon it became apparent that I wouldn't be getting a phone call from my parents. I received the obligatory greeting card of course. It looked cheap, like something from the dollar rack. I was pretty sure it was something my dad's secretary had picked up at Wal-Mart. It had only been signed "Mom and Dad." And I was almost positive that it wasn't even their handwriting.

It wasn't as though I was surprised by their lack of sentiment. But I had to seriously tamp down the hurt and bitterness that threatened to swallow my good mood. I really wished I could just turn off the juvenile expectation that my parents would for once act like...well, parents. Setting myself up for the disappointment was way past old.

I had met with Dr. Todd right before dinner. He had wanted to touch base with me about my ongoing treatment. He explained that he was legally bound to inform me of my rights now that I was of age. I technically had three more weeks left at the center according to the treatment plan my parents and I had signed when I was admitted. But now that I was eighteen, my treatment was my own. Given that I had made significant progress and no longer posed a threat to myself, I could be cleared for discharge as early as the end of the week.

I cleared my throat; taken aback by the information I was just given. "What about my parents? Couldn't they fight that?" I asked. I couldn't imagine my parents sitting by and letting me discharge myself. Not without some serious legal wrangling. But just knowing that I could do as I liked was empowering.

Dr. Todd sat on the edge of his desk and crossed his arms over his chest. "Well, to be brutally honest with you, Clay, your parents wouldn't have much to stand on legally. Yes, they had you admitted, but they have been, well, less than involved in your treatment here. Despite efforts by staff to engage them. You have made progress without their input. But I must say, as your therapist, that you still have a lot of work ahead of you. With the regulation of your medication, you've been able to focus on getting your self-injury and suicidal ideation in check. But this will be a lifetime battle."

I nodded, not feeling defensive or irritated by his a.s.sessment. He was only stating facts. "And when the time comes for you to leave Grayson, we can discuss my recommendations for your continued treatment. Leaving in-patient is difficult and usually requires a transitional program, such as going to Langley's the group home over in Miami Springs."

A group home? That sounded about as much fun as a freaking funeral. But I got what the doc was saying. I didn't want him to think that just because I was eighteen now, I would forget everything I had learned since coming to the center. I felt the need to prove myself. To show him I was getting better.

"Doc, I'm not going anywhere. I'd like to make it through the rest of my stay and then we can discuss what comes next," I said confidentially, watching as Dr. Todd tried to control the look of relief that flashed across his face.

He got up went to sit back behind his desk. "I'm glad to hear that, Clayton," he said, giving me that calming smile of his. After that, our session was more lighthearted. No delving into my gnarly past or reworking my twisted thoughts. Instead, we engaged in benign chitchat. Including an almost heated exchange about college basketball.

Yep, today was shaping up to be one of the good ones.

After dinner, Maria, Tyler and I were heading to the common room to watch some TV, when Jacqui, the night administrator asked me to come to her office. I shrugged at my friends who looked at me questioningly. "I'll catch up with you guys in a bit," I told them, following Jacqui down the hallway.

"I didn't do it, I swear," I teased as we entered her office. Jacqui's normally sour face jerked into an almost smile as she patted my arm.

"Nothing to worry about, Clay," she a.s.sured me, waving me in so she could close the door. As soon as I was inside, I was enveloped in a set of warm arms and the pungent scent of patchouli. My Aunt Ruby gripped me like her life depended on it. And I suddenly realized that I should have been more than a little suspicious when I hadn't heard from her yet today. As if Ruby and Lisa would ever miss my birthday.

But I had never thought she'd travel thirteen hundred miles to see me though. But that was Ruby. She had always loved me more than I sometimes deserved.

"Ruby," I said, smiling at my much shorter aunt. She beamed up at me. She was dressed in her typical gypsy getup, complete with flowing skirts and some crazy scarf thing around her neck. She even had tiny sh.e.l.ls sticking out her hair. Where the h.e.l.l she got the ideas for her outfits, I had no idea.

Ruby reached up and patted my cheek, the way she had done since I was a little kid. "My Clay. It's so good to see you." Her grin was infectious. Ruby radiated a positive energy that was impossible to ignore. She had helped pull me out more than my fair share of dark places by just being her. I would do anything and everything for the woman who stood in front of me. She was the mother I wished mine could be. She had been down at least four times in the last three months. Lisa had come with her whenever she could, but work kept her pretty busy.

Four times, my aunt had been to see me and my parents hadn't come once.

"What are you doing here? And where's Lisa?" I asked as she hugged me tightly again. Ruby pulled back and gave me a mock scowl.

"As if I would miss your eighteenth birthday! Don't be silly. And Lisa would have been here but her work has been crazy," she explained, swatting my arm. She pulled me over to the small couch that sat in the corner of the office. Jacqui had left, giving us some time to visit. Ruby hefted a heavy canvas bag that she had with her.

"Are you carting around a ton of bricks in there?" I joked, watching as my aunt pulled out a squished cardboard box.

"Oh darn. It's all smooshed," Ruby complained, peering down into the box. She closed the lid and handed it to me. "Well, it should still taste good." She had brought me a freaking birthday cake. My name swirled in blue icing and tiny paintbrushes decorated the surface. I felt my chest seize up. Christ, I was seriously turning into a mess. Crying over every tiny thing. What happened to being a man? I needed to find some s.h.i.t kickers and a Stetson. Channel some Marlon Brando or something.

But f.u.c.k me, I couldn't remember the last time I had a birthday cake. And today I had been given two. Even I wasn't immune to the warm fuzzies that brought on. Ruby then pulled out two plates.

I watched her as she cut me a large slab and I attacked it like I was starving. I was always a sucker for anything sweet. Ruby ate delicately around the icing, complaining that she should have gotten carob instead of chocolate because it was healthier. I let her grumble about white sugar being worse than rat poisoning and how ingesting white flour was like personally asking for your pancreas to shut down. I just listened silently and ate the h.e.l.l out of some diabetes slathered in chocolate.

"I still can't believe you came down here. It really means a lot to me," I said after I was finished. Ruby's eyes started to water and I braced myself for the tear fest. Ruby was notorious for being overly emotional and once upon a time I would have run for the hills at the slightest hint of the touchy feely stuff.

I had spent a long time creating a very thick, impenetrable wall around myself. A wall that made it easier for me to live each day inside my own very screwed up head. If I didn't let people get too close, then I didn't have to feel the guilt of disappointing them later.

But that had been blown to pieces by a pair of beautiful eyes and a snarky att.i.tude.

Can't go there. Not now. Not when I was feeling good. Otherwise I'd end up a blubbering mess alongside my already blubbering aunt.

Ruby wrapped her small fingers around my arm and squeezed. I covered her hand with my much larger one. I was learning to be okay with showing people that I cared about them. That it was good to share your feelings. That I didn't have to protect people from the person that I was. That d.a.m.n it, I was worth loving. This was drilled into my head every single day. I was told over and over again that gosh darn it, people like me. But it still stuck in the back of my throat. This insane notion that I was a decent human being.

"Clayton Reed, I would have moved into your room if I was able to. But something tells me they might frown on that here." I snorted. Even though she was joking, I wouldn't have put it past Ruby to try. "Lisa and I love you as if you were our own. We will always be here for you. No matter what," Ruby said, giving me another hug. My throat felt uncomfortably tight, but in a good way. A really good way.

"I love you guys too. I can't thank you enough for everything you've done for me," I told her quietly, proud of myself for being able to express my feelings in an appropriate way (thank you coping skills 101). Ruby furiously wiped at the tears that leaked out of the corners of her eyes. She pulled a handkerchief out of her pocket and blew her nose nosily. Nothing like a cotton wad full of snot to kill the heaviness.

"Enough with all of this crying. It's time for gifts!" Ruby enthused, giving me a watery smile before pulling three packages out of her bag.

"Ruby. You didn't have to get me anything. You being here is more than enough," I said, though I couldn't help but feel the antic.i.p.atory excitement that I hadn't felt in a long time. The kind of bubbling in your stomach that you only feel on Christmas morning. Or before you get behind the wheel of a car after getting your license.

Or before you kiss your girl for the first time.

Anyway...onto presents.

Ruby watched as I unwrapped the gifts. She and Lisa had gotten me a new charcoal kit, a ridiculously expensive set of paint brushes and a bunch of new sketch books. I couldn't stop the goofy grin that spread across my face. There was nothing in this world she could have given me that would have meant more.

Drawing and painting were everything to me. I had become almost obsessive about it. But it was that indelible part of me that I refused to ever give up. I had lost so much already, but I would always have my art.

"I wasn't sure exactly what you used, but the girl at the art store in Charlottesville a.s.sured me these were the best," Ruby said a little nervously, as though worried I'd hate what she had gotten me. I ran my hand through my hair, a little overwhelmed by those p.r.i.c.kly emotions again. But I didn't worry about what those feelings could cause. Medication, when done right, was a fantastic thing.

"They're great Ruby. Thank you. I'll call Lisa later to thank her as well. This is just..." my voice trailed off and I grinned like an idiot at my aunt who was equally excited about my response to the presents.

Then suddenly Ruby's mood sobered. The change in her demeanor threw me and I was instantly on edge. She reached into her bag and pulled out another gift. This one wasn't wrapped in the traditional birthday paper as the others had been.

Looking closely, I could see that this one was bundled up meticulously in the Davidson Gazette, the local paper of Davidson, Virginia. I looked at Ruby questioningly. She was staring down at the mysterious gift and I could tell she was uncomfortable. What the h.e.l.l was hiding in that paper? A f.u.c.king bomb?

"More gifts, Ruby? You shouldn't have," I joked, already hating the seriousness that had overtaken my typically jovial aunt. Ruby clutched the object in her hands and held it out for me to take. Slowly I reached for it. It was heavier than it looked. I couldn't get a read on its contents through the thick paper.

I started to pull at the tape when Ruby covered my hand, stopping me. She looked at me with concern and I dropped the object on the table. "What is it Ruby? Just spit it out," I said feeling more than a little annoyed by the evasive bulls.h.i.t going on. What was so scary about a d.a.m.n present?

Ruby sighed. "It's from Maggie," she said quietly.

Oh. Well, there was that.

I swear the air left my lungs and I felt like I was suffocating. My heart started beating in overtime and I thought I might pa.s.s out. It was nuts how just the mention of her name caused such an instant physical response. It was like my body reacted on a primal level to it.

Ruby and I never talked about Maggie. At least not in a very long time. I rarely mentioned Maggie at all unless it was within the safe confines of therapy. My memories of Maggie Young had proven complicated. My crazy, f.u.c.ked up mind had succeeded in twisting my beautiful girl into something that caused me complete and total anxiety. The darkness that lived and breathed inside of me, while kept at bay for the most part, still worked to destroy the one thing that I had wanted most in my life.

The girl I loved beyond reason. The one person who had been prepared to walk off the cliff with me.

And I had almost let her.

"Maggie?" I choked out, trying not to strangle on the effort it took to say her name.

Ruby nodded, her mouth tight with worry. I knew she was scared that mentioning the girl I had loved and lost would make me lose it. And part of me wanted to lose it. It bubbled there, just beneath the surface. The panic fluttered in my stomach and I struggled to keep it under control. I was tempted to get angry. To give into the rage that I felt when I realized how I may have sorted some c.r.a.p out but in the process I had unleashed even more.

But I held on to that rational part of Clayton Reed who recognized the futility of my anger and panic. Knowing that it wouldn't accomplish anything but set me back even further. I needed to work through these tangled emotions and sort through the chaos they still created. Maggie wasn't the boogeyman. She was my light. My reminder of what I wanted in my life. Of what I strove to have again.

Holding onto that, I picked up the gift again and set it in my lap, fingering the creases in the folded paper. "She came into the shop last week," Ruby began, watching me closely. I worked hard to keep my face perfectly neutral when inside I was cursing the f.u.c.king cosmos, fate, whatever, for this G.o.d d.a.m.ned tragedy that I called a life.

"Oh yeah?" I asked with the fakest attempt at casual that I had ever heard. It was laughable. I would have laughed if I hadn't wanted to cut my f.u.c.king skin until I bled.

d.a.m.n it! I would not feel this way!

So I took a deep breath and counted to ten. I found my shiny happy people place in my head and got my s.h.i.t together. Because as much as it hurt, I had to hear about Maggie. I was starved for her. I craved just the sound of her name. So even though my body and mind labored under the turmoil she unleashed inside me, I would suck it up. Because nothing could keep me from finding out what she had wrapped beneath the newspaper in my lap.

Ruby took another deep breath and continued. "I hadn't seen her since right after you had come to Florida. Lisa had mentioned that she had seen her at that coffee shop in town. She's working there now." I nodded, encouraging her to keep going before I decided that I couldn't hear any more.

"She looked beautiful as always. Though I can tell she's lost some weight and she was already too skinny," Ruby rambled and I felt the guilt for the possibility that I had anything to do with Maggie's weight loss. My hands clenched around the package until my fingers ached.

"Did she seem...okay?" I couldn't help but ask. Because if she wasn't...

What would I do? If Ruby told me Maggie was miserable and depressed, would I break the promise I made to myself to leave her alone? I didn't know. The only thing I did know was that I couldn't live my life knowing that she was unhappy. My refusal to contact her, my reasons for sending my letter, was for her to have a clean break. To let go of me and to live her life.

But if she was as miserable being away from me as I was being away from her, then I would throw all of my foolish good intentions straight out the window.

"Yes, Clayton. She seemed okay. A little uncomfortable maybe, but she was good," Ruby told me and I hated the selfish disappointment that I felt. What sort of a.s.shole did that make me? Did I want Maggie to be unhappy? Of course not. But if she was doing alright, then it confirmed I had made the best decision in leaving her alone. And that was a hard pill to swallow, even if it was the right thing to do.

"Well, that's...uh...good to hear," I stuttered, looking down at my white knuckles. I wasn't sure I'd survive this conversation. This was tearing me apart. Ruby eyed me again as if waiting for me to grow another head or something.

I sat up a little straighter and met her eyes. "That's great actually," I said more firmly and forced myself to smile. Ruby's face relaxed marginally.

"Yes, it is," Ruby agreed. She cleared her throat. "She came in to look over the new books. I told her it was good to see her but I tried to leave her alone. She didn't seem to want to talk much and I didn't want to push her." I could only imagine how awkward seeing Ruby had been for Maggie.

There was a moment of silence and I thought that was it. But I should have known better. Ruby was notorious for dragging a story out. You could either find it endearing or exasperating. Right now I was leaning towards the latter.

"She got some books and then just as she was leaving she handed me that. She said it was for you. For your birthday. She asked that I make sure you got it because she didn't know where to send it." Ruby gave me a pointed look then. One that clearly said she thought I was an idiot for keeping my whereabouts a mystery from Maggie. She just didn't get how hard that decision had been for me to make. How some days I questioned my judgment so loudly that it took everything in me to not pick up the phone and call her. Maggie was my weakness. My compulsive addiction that once fed wouldn't let go.

At one time, I thought she was the healthiest, purest thing in my life. And part of me still did. But now, with a clear head, I was able to see how the darkness had tainted so much of what we were. And Maggie needed more than what I could currently give her. The back and forth, tug and pull of my feelings about that beautiful girl had become a daily struggle. One that no matter how much time pa.s.sed or how much distance was between us, would never let up.

"I wasn't entirely sure I was going to give it to you, Clayton," Ruby told me, resting a startlingly piercing gaze in my direction. For all of her feigned ditziness, it concealed a sharp mind and an even sharper eye. Ruby saw more than I ever gave her credit for. And something told me that she knew all too well how hard I struggled, even with the strides I was making.

I grimaced in understanding at her hesitance. I got it. Really, I did. "It's cool," I a.s.sured her, hoping like h.e.l.l she believed my pile of bulls.h.i.t.

Not waiting any longer, I pulled at the wrapping and tossed it on the floor. At the first glimpse of the dark, charcoal b.u.t.terfly on the cover, I had to sit back and take a minute. Because this girl was going to undo me from a thousand miles away. She was getting ready to rip my f.u.c.king heart out.

You see, I recognized that b.u.t.terfly. Because I had drawn it myself. For her.

For Maggie.

"What the h.e.l.l?" I asked to myself, pulling the leather bound book from the last sc.r.a.ps of paper. Opening it up, I realized it was a sc.r.a.p book. Page after page, Maggie had carefully placed my drawings on plain mattes. They were the ones from my bedroom wall in Virginia. And the ones I had given her.

Every single one was there. Every. Single. One.

Ruby was looking at the pictures over my shoulder as I flipped through. I turned to my aunt. "When did she do this? When did she get my pictures?" I asked in absolute disbelief. I was stunned by what was in my hands. Like a piece of me had been returned. As though, once again, Maggie May Young had swooped into the rescue.

I couldn't put into words the way my heart literally opened up at seeing these pictures again. It was easily one of the most amazing and thoughtful gifts I had ever received. As if I could expect anything less from the girl who had made it her mission to save me from myself.

Ruby traced her finger along a picture of Maggie's face that I had drawn in pencil. I loved that drawing. I remembered the day I had done it. She had come over to my house to study and had ended up falling asleep. I loved it when she did that. The absolute peace that I would feel as I watched her deep, even breathing was indescribable. Yeah, so maybe it sounds a little creepy. But it wasn't. It was beautiful and perfect. And gave me the illusion that my life had made sense. If only for a little while.

So I had drawn her. I was compelled to try and capture that moment when Maggie was completely unguarded and open. Some small part of me recognized, even then, that I was hurting her. That as she swore that she was happy, I had seen the strain my c.r.a.p was causing. Seeing her sleep helped me create this picture in my head that things were just the way they should be. Crazy how I had always been able to create the most f.u.c.ked up justifications for the equally f.u.c.ked up things I did.

My heart thudded in my chest at the weight of what this alb.u.m meant. This wasn't put together by a girl who was putting a s.h.i.tty relationship behind her. By an ex-girlfriend desperate to move on. No, this whole thing screamed at me. Yelling with a vengeance that I needed to wake up and see how much she still loved me.

And there was a selfish relief in that. I was glad to know that she hadn't forgotten me, even if I had told her to. I was such a d.i.c.k. Because I wanted her to miss me, to long for me, to crave me the way I craved her. Which was one hundred percent contradictory to the martyred act I had been playing for the past three months. The reason that I had sent her the letter to begin with.

I knew I would never be over Maggie. And knowing I wasn't alone in that, that she was feeling it as intensely as I was, made me feel unfairly happy. Unfair, because I shouldn't want that for her. But d.a.m.ned if I didn't want it all the same.

And I hated myself for feeling that way.

"She came over to the house, not long after you were sent here. She asked to go up to your room, that there were things she needed to get from up there. Lisa and I didn't see the harm. Not after everything," Ruby stopped abruptly. There was no sense in her continuing that particular sentence. We both knew how much Maggie had been through.

I continued to thumb through the pages. Ruby and I remained quiet as I took it all in. These pictures that reminded me so much of the one bright spot I had during the darkest times of my life. Of the girl who had tried to save me even as I destroyed her.

s.h.i.t, I was going to f.u.c.king cry. I felt the tears p.r.i.c.k in my eyes and I rubbed them away with the heel of my hand. I squeezed my eyes shut.

Deep breath.

One. Two. Three.

Deep breath.

I opened my eyes, lingering on Maggie's face in front me. It had been so long since I had seen her that I couldn't look away. But then I flipped back to the front of the book. And then I saw something that I hadn't noticed earlier. On the bottom corner of the inside cover, a piece of paper was tapped to the leather.

It was from Maggie. Christ, she had written me a note. I wasn't sure I could read it. Not when I was already feeling like I had been run over by an eighteen wheeler.

But I did anyway. As if I could ever resist her.