Light in the Shadows Part 23

Maggie grew quiet again, clearly taken aback by my verbal attack. "You feel like cutting. Or using. Don't you?" she asked in a hush after a few minutes.

My shoulders sagged and I just felt tired. "I don't know. Yes. No. I'm just really messed up right now. You should probably leave. We've been there done that and you don't need the front row seat," I said angrily, wishing for once she'd leave me to my h.e.l.l. Why did she insist on riding this train wreck with me?

"I'm not going anywhere. Because no one is abandoning you. People can move on and live their lives but that doesn't mean you're not a part of it anymore. I love you, Clay. Ruby loves you. Because you, Clay are worthy of that love. You deserve it. All of it. And Ruby and I just want you to find the place where you'll be okay and healthy. You can get angry with me, tell me to leave. But not once have I ever turned my back on you and I won't start now," she told me, putting her hands on me for the first time.

Her fingers gripped my chin and pulled my face around to her. The sight of her in my confused state of mind was like striking a match. And I lost it. I just f.u.c.king lost it. I started to sob and I couldn't stop. I don't know exactly what I was crying for, except that everything that had been dammed up inside of me was pouring out.

I had always believed I was irredeemable. That I couldn't expect others to love me when I didn't even love myself. But Maggie's words. .h.i.t me at a moment when I so desperately needed to hear them. I needed to believe that she was right, that I was worthy.

Because I was so angry at myself right now. This had been my chance to make things right. Leaving Grayson had been my new lease on life and I had ruined it. I had deluded myself into thinking I was ready for all of this. Even with the therapy and the meds, I couldn't do this.

So I cried for the man I couldn't be. At least not right now. And I felt like in some ways I had been transported back to five months ago when I had made this same realization. Only then it had come with much harsher consequences.

This time, I didn't cut. I didn't think of some way to end things so I'd never have to feel this way again. Instead, I clung to my girlfriend. The person who had always been my light in the shadows and who continued to love me even at my worst. Who reminded me that everyone deserved love, even me.

"It's okay, Clay. We'll figure it out. Together," she crooned with my head buried into the soft skin of her neck. Together. That was a word I could live with.

I don't know how long I was at the swimming hole. But I felt like being there, with Maggie, crying like a little kid, was strangely cathartic. By the time we headed back to Ruby's, it was getting dark. I was more exhausted than I could ever remember being. But that nastiness inside me was thankfully quiet. And I couldn't help but feel like I had turned some sort of corner. I had been given the opportunity to make a choice and I was proud of the fact that I hadn't made the one that ended in blood.

Maggie followed me in her car. I knew I had scared the s.h.i.t out of her, but she hadn't shown it. It was only because I knew her so well that I was able to see the terror in her eyes. I knew how hard it was for her to see me like that, perilously close to that edge I had fallen off before. Not knowing whether I would take her back down the dark road again.

I wish I could say that I would never do that. But the truth was, I just couldn't be sure and there lied the crux of the problem. The last two and a half months had been more of a holding pattern. I was existing, thinking I was making progress, but in reality I still had such a long way to go.

On the drive home, I finally made a decision about my future. I knew it wasn't the one everyone wanted me to make, but it was mine. I had made it. Me. And I felt a measure of pride at that.

Ruby was pacing the living room when Maggie and I walked through the door. "Clay!" she called out, rushing over to me. I was enveloped in her patchouli scented arms and I felt the guilt for making her worry.

Maggie stood in the doorway until Ruby waved her into our hug. My aunt held us both, crying and blubbering. "If you don't want me to sell the house, I won't. Clay, I'm so sorry, I had no idea it meant so much to you," Ruby said through her tears of relief that I was home and in one piece. No life threatening self-mutilations. No drug and alcohol induced benders. Those were Maggie and Ruby's fears when I lost it like that. And that made the choice I had made in the car all the more clear.

I stepped out of Ruby's hold. "No, Ruby. You can't make a decision based on me. I'm an adult, not a little kid. I shouldn't have taken off like that. I didn't mean to scare you." I kissed the top of her greying head.

"If you need to sell the house and shop, then you sell the house and shop. You need to do what's right for you," I a.s.sured her. Maggie wrapped her arm around my waist and I leaned into her body.

"But if this makes you unhappy, I can't be okay with it," Ruby argued and I held up my hand, stopping her.

"You've always done what's right for me, for Lisa, for the shop. This time, do what's right for you." And I realized I really meant it. It didn't take away the pain and the deep rooted fear that I was being abandoned but feeling Maggie's arm around me I knew it would all be okay.

I looked down at my girlfriend, who stared up at me with tears in her eyes. Would there ever be a day when I didn't make her cry? I used the pad of my thumb and wiped the wetness from her cheeks.

But she was right. We were in this together. And that made it all okay.

Chapter Twenty-Three.

-Maggie-

Five more days and I would officially be a high school graduate. I had finished up my English Lit exam and was ready to start my last weekend as a senior. The feeling of it was bittersweet. I was a jumbled mixture of excited and scared.

My parents had taken me up to JMU two weeks ago for a tour of the campus. I filled out the pile of paperwork and submitted it. Things were set in motion and I felt like it all was going as it was supposed to.

Well most things.

Clay had changed. You would think I would have become accustomed to the mult.i.tude of Clayton Reed fluctuations. I had seen him at his highest and at his lowest and every facet in between. I had loved the Clay in the throes of his mania and I had loved the Clay who had tried to end it all.

And then I had loved the Clay who had come back to me, determined to be a better man and to make a life for the two of us together, whatever form that took.

And I loved this new Clay as well. But the newest incarnation of Clay Reed made me nervous. Which was sort of silly. He wasn't freaking out. He wasn't angry and defensive. He wasn't abnormally happy and trying desperately to make things in his world work out.

No, he was just...content. Peaceful even. Like he had come to terms with something that he wasn't letting me in on. I hadn't been able to go to therapy since before his breakdown at the swimming hole. My schedule had been so chaotic with track meets and studying for exams and college prep that there hadn't been time for it. Clay was okay with that. He continued to go to his sessions twice a week.

We continued to spend time together as much as possible, but there was a definite under current now that I couldn't quite put my finger on. I would find Clay watching me sometimes, seeming as though he were trying to find a way to say something. But the moment would pa.s.s and we'd carry on as though I hadn't noticed the odd look in his eyes.

I hadn't brought up the community college again and neither had Clay. He had told me about the large chunk of money Ruby had given him. When I had delicately asked what he planned to do with it, he hadn't been able to give me a straight answer. But something told me that it didn't include college. I just wish I knew what his plans were, but after his extreme reaction to any and all questions in that regard, I tried to back off and only hoped he'd share with me when he was ready.

"Hey birthday, girl!" Rachel squealed, running up to me as I was cleaning out my locker. I laughed as she launched herself at me, hugging me as tightly as she was able.

"Hey, you. I'd like to resume the ability to breathe, Rach," I let out as she squeezed me. She let me go and beamed up at me with her contagious smile.

"I have presents! So many presents! I can't wait to give them to you!" I often thought Rachel got more excited about other people's birthdays than she did her own. I flicked her in the arm.

"You don't need to be spending your money on me. I don't need anything," I complained, not liking my cash strapped friend blowing her paychecks on me. Not when I knew she had to save up for school.

"Psh, don't be ridiculous. Of course I have to lavish my bestie with gifts on her birthday! It's like a written friendship rule or something," she protested and I didn't bother to argue. There was no arguing with Rachel about some things. And all things birthday related were definitely one of those things.

I rubbed at the Band-Aid that covered the underside of my wrist and couldn't help but smile. It itched like crazy but it was a discomfort I could handle.

"I can't believe you actually did it. And that your dad took you to get it! You are such a bad a.s.s, Mags!" Rachel remarked, shaking her head.

Last weekend, my father had gotten me up bright and early on Sat.u.r.day and taken me to the tattoo parlor in the next town over. I had gotten the rune, Uruz, just as I had wanted. My dad had liked what it represented and conceded that it was small and tasteful. "As long as you're not getting a rose on your upper arm or Mom on your knuckles, I'm okay with it," he had said when I had mentioned the idea.

Uruz represented healing and courage. They were qualities that I needed to be reminded of and I liked having something that symbolized it on my skin.

"So your mom said to be at your place by six for the birthday dinner extravaganza! I'm bringing my world famous three cheese and bean dip!" she said excitedly as though the world's problems could be solved with cheese and bean dip.

"Sounds good. It's just you, Danny and Clay. Nothing wild and crazy," I said, hoping to calm her down a bit. No sense in her getting her hopes up for some raging party that wasn't going to happen.

Rachel gave me a funny look. "Yeah, okay. Well, I have to get to work. I'll see you tonight!" she said, hurrying down the hallway.

"G.o.d, Mags, something could be buried in there! Do you ever clean that thing out?" I looked over my shoulder and grinned as I saw Clay peering into my locker. I turned around to give him a hug and leaned up on my tip toes to kiss his lips before turning back to the task at hand.

"It's not that bad," I said in mock defense. Clay reached in and tugged on a piece of paper toward the bottom, sending half the contents of my locker careening to the floor. "Way to go, slick," I muttered sarcastically, shooting him a glare as I knelt down to pick everything up.

Clay squatted beside me and gathered up most of the trash, tossing it in the recycling bin. "Sorry, I didn't get to see you at lunch. I was roped into a last meeting with Mr. Hunt." Clay rolled his eyes. Mr. Hunt, the guidance counselor, seemed to think Clay was his pet project. The older man was determined to make Clay into what he considered to be a productive high school student. I would never admit this to my boyfriend, but I secretly wished something Mr. Hunt shoved down his throat would stick and he'd realize that college and planning for his future weren't such bad things.

Clay kissed the side of my neck, making me shiver. "I didn't get to spend lunch with the birthday girl, it's totally inexcusable," he said huskily into my ear. d.a.m.n, he could make me turn to mush without batting an eye. It was an evil, evil gift and one that he liked to wield frequently, much to my enjoyment and sometimes utter embarra.s.sment.

"The day is still young, you can make it up to me," I replied, trying to sound seductive but having a feeling I just sounded like I swallowed a bullfrog. I wasn't cut out for sultry.

"That it is. Do I need to bring anything for the dinner tonight?" he asked as I swiped my hand through the locker one last time, pulling out the few pieces of paper still inside and throwing them away.

"I don't think so; Mom and Dad seem to have it covered." I closed the locker with a bang and gathered up my book bag and water bottle. Clay slung his arm around my shoulders and I felt the same rush of heat I always experienced when we were touching. I wondered if it would ever go away? I sincerely hope not.

I hopped into Clay's car. I was still without wheels and I had forgone the mortification of driving the grocery getter for the time being. I had a boyfriend with a sweet ride, so I opted to take advantage of that. I opened up the glove compartment and then the center console.

"What are you doing?" Clay laughed, watching me reach under my seat.

"Looking for my birthday present," I huffed out, coming up empty handed.

"Well, baby, you won't find it in here. So you might as well give up," he teased, smirking as I sat back with a scowl.

"Fine. Just leave me in suspense. You're really cruel, Clayton Reed," I grumped, though I wasn't in the least bit annoyed with him. Whatever Clay had gotten me was top secret. And no amount of persuasion (you would think taking off my shirt would have made him crack, but he was stronger than I gave him credit for) had made him give up the goods.

I also knew he hadn't shared it with either of my friends because Rachel, particularly, would never have been able to keep it a secret.

Clay drove me to my house, chuckling at my attempts to get him to spill the big secret. I slithered across the car and pressed my b.o.o.bs into his arm. "Come on, you know you want to tell me," I purred into his ear, taking his lobe between my teeth and giving it a tug. Clay groaned in the back of his throat.

"You really don't play fair, do you?" he complained just before getting out of the car. I had to brace myself on his seat; otherwise I would have face planted with the swiftness of his exit. The dude would not budge an inch. Who could resist the lure of the b.r.e.a.s.t.s? I was beginning to suspect a cyborg had taken over his body.

"Hurry up and change, I want to go swimming before it rains." Clay swatted my behind and I giggled as I hurried into the house. My parents were already home and I poked my head into the kitchen to greet them both.

"Clay and I are going swimming at the hole. We'll be back before dinner," I said, stealing a carrot stick that Mom had laid out on a platter. She smacked my hand.

"That's fine. Just remember to take your sunscreen, it's bright out there today," she said and I rolled my eyes. It didn't matter that today I was legally an adult; she would always treat me as though I were four.

Clay came in behind me and said h.e.l.lo to my parents. They responded in kind and I left them to chat while I went upstairs to throw on my suit. It was amazing how relaxed my parents had become with Clay. I knew they still harbored some distrust toward him, but he had come a long way in proving himself to them. While, I still saw his daily struggles, my parents were finally understanding that he was a good person and really did love and want the best for me. And if anything could soften their hardened hearts, it was that.

When I came back downstairs, my mom and Clay were laughing over something my dad was saying. One of his horrible jokes, no doubt. "I'm ready," I said, looping my arm with Clay's and pulling him out of the kitchen.

"I'll have her back before six," he told my parents who thanked him before I could get him out of the house.

"Hurry up; we have two and a half hours for just us. I don't want to waste a minute of it," I urged, hurrying toward the car. It only took us ten minutes to pull into the tall gra.s.s. Another five before we were at the water.

I realized, as I watched Clay tug off his shoes and shorts, revealing his trunks, that we always came back here. These trees, this water, had witnessed a lot of the Clay and Maggie roller coaster. Whether it was good or bad, we gravitated toward this s.p.a.ce as though it were the one spot that was just for us.

Once again we were alone. Over the last year, I had found that less and less people used the old swimming hole, choosing the public pool instead. Fewer young kids even knew about its existence, thus making it feel even more like it belonged to the two of us.

Clay pulled me into the water and I let out a startled scream. I swallowed a mouthful of river water. "You are so going to pay for that!" I yelled, dipping under the water and pulling his feet out from underneath him. He couldn't stay upright on the silt bottom and fell over. Laughing, he grabbed me and dunked me under again.

This went on for quite a while, reminding me so much of the first time I had brought him here, over eight months ago. It was unreal how much had changed but still stayed the same. We were two kids, who had been through the fire together, bruised and burned for it, but still going.

"I surrender! No more!" I held up my hands in defeat.

Clay swam over to me and scooped me up in his arms and carried me out of the water. He had laid a quilt down on the ground and pulled two towels from his messenger bag. Wrapping me in one, he patted me down until my extremities were dry.

"You hungry?" he asked, pulling out a bag of snacks.

"Sure," I responded, reaching for some chips and a drink.

"So after this, you want to go buy some chewing tobacco and a Play Girl? How about some lotto tickets?" Clay suggested and I smirked.

"I'll pa.s.s on all of the above. Though I did register to vote a few weeks ago. Woohoo for me!" I pumped my fist into the air and took a drink of water.

"Do not underestimate the value of civic duty, Maggie," he taunted me and I went to punch him in the arm. He grabbed my hand and gave me a tug, pulling me into his lap. I dropped the bag of potato chips onto the ground as I b.u.mped my chest into his.

Our noses rubbed against one another and he smirked as I realized how closely I was pressed against him. I was still bundled up in the towel, so Clay slowly reached up and slipped it from my shoulders, his fingers trailing down my back to settle on my hip.

"Happy Birthday, Mags," he breathed as his hands gripped my skin, his thumbs playing with the string of my bikini bottom. I was suddenly aware of how alone we were and I knew I needed to capitalize on this situation before it slipped through my grasp.

Clay had been keeping the physical intimacy at arm's length. I tried to understand his motives, but it mostly left me feeling extremely unsatisfied and more than a little rejected. But feeling him harden beneath me, I knew instinctively that he wouldn't stop it this time.

I wound my arms behind his neck and leaned into him, our mouths furtively touching. My hands dove into his thick, wet hair and I gave it a little tug, making him chuckle beneath my lips. "Playing rough, huh?" he teased and I gave his hair another pull.

His teeth nipped at my bottom lip and I squirmed in his lap. There was so little fabric between us and his erection was very apparent. Clay's hands came up my sides, causing me to shiver. "Is this what you want for your birthday, Maggie?" he asked breathlessly.

I wrapped my legs around his waist and rocked myself gently against him, causing his eyes to close and his head to fall back. "What do you think?" I asked, kissing the underside of his jaw.

Clay's head snapped up and he grabbed ahold of my face and pulled me, almost roughly, to his mouth, where he attacked me like a drowning man. Our lips and tongues worked furiously at each other.

My hands couldn't touch enough of him. My fingers clawed at his back as he pulled my bikini top down and cupped my b.r.e.a.s.t.s. I moaned loudly and began to rock against him again. The friction between my legs was unbelievable.

"My G.o.d, Maggie, I need you so badly," he let out in almost tortured anguish. He sounded strangled and afraid but so desperate for me that I could do nothing but comply.

With shaking fingers, Clay loosened the bikini tie around my neck, where it promptly fell to my middle. His hands were back on my b.r.e.a.s.t.s, rubbing and kneading until I felt myself start to build toward the inevitable explosion.

I pushed his shoulders until he lay on his back while I still straddled him. He made quick work of my bottoms until I was completely naked above him. He pulled back, resting his head on the ground and looked up at with me such adoration that it made my heart clench painfully and my lungs squeeze tightly. What had I ever done to deserve this kind of love?

I suddenly remembered Rachel telling me after Clay's parents had come into town and blown his world apart, that our love wasn't one she would want. I had agreed at the time, so overwhelmed with the hurt and devastation that had been a constant side effect of loving him not so long ago.

Looking down at Clay, his dark hair slicked back, his eyes radiating warmth and devotion, I knew that now, this love that had taken me to the highest heights and the lowest depths, that had terrified me and filled me with hope. This love between us was something I wanted to feel for the rest of my life.

"I love you," I whispered, tears filling my eyes. Clay reached up and cradled my face in his hand.

"I'll love you forever," he answered as he pulled me back down to his waiting mouth. He removed his swimming trunks, adding them to the pile of soggy clothing on the ground. When we were completely bare, we held each other tight, needing the press of skin to skin, no barriers.

The next moments moved both too fast and achingly slow. The sound of the foil packet punctuated the air. Our heavy breathing as Clay rolled me over and positioned himself between my legs.