Light in the Shadows Part 18

Clay ran his hands up and down my back, as though the action comforted him. I knew this was hard for him to talk about.

"I know that stopping my medication isn't an option. I'll have to take them every day for the rest of my life. It's just how it is. I think I've come to terms with that. Or at least, I'm trying." The rhythmic movement of his hands continued and I tried to relax. But I was wound too tight.

"I'm glad to hear that," I told him and he gave me a small smile but didn't respond to my statement.

"Dr. Todd said sometimes it takes changing your medication multiple times until you find something that works with your body chemistry. I was lucky that I found what worked for me so quickly. Because the trial and error period is horrible. I saw it first hand in some of the other patients. They were miserable."

"Dr. Todd?" I asked.

Clay nodded. "Yeah, Dr. Todd. He was my therapist at Grayson's. He's pretty cool. He's the first shrink I've had that made me feel like I had a chance at dealing with everything. He just...got me, you know?"

"And your new therapist, what's he like?"

Clay shrugged. "He's nice. I like him. He and Dr. Todd are working closely together right now, so that's cool. He's different, but I think we'll get on fine." I was relieved to hear that. Clay smirked at me and I raised my eyebrows at him in question.

"Actually, he's suggested I bring you in for one of my sessions," he said, surprising me.

"Me? Why would he want to see me?" I squeaked. I knew this took a lot for Clay to say, but I was sort of weirded out by the thought of going to therapy. Weren't we too young for couple's counseling?

Clay laughed. "That's what I said. But he told me it would be good for us to talk about our relationship, to make sure we don't fall back into old patterns. Both Shaemus and Dr. Todd are very aware of how important you are to me and they just want to make sure what we have is healthy. For both of us. It's easy to put your feelings in the backseat. I know you got sucked under by what I was going through. But we have to go into this as equals. It can't just be about me"

What could I say to that? He had always been amazingly insightful and self-aware. But his inability to change or control his behaviors caused immeasurable damage. Yet, here he was, one inst.i.tution stay later, saying things that I never thought I'd hear. I wasn't delusional enough to think he was all fixed now. I knew this was an ongoing process. But what he was laying at my feet was the opportunity to share with him in his healing. Something he had denied me when he went away.

Something I knew I would jump at the chance to do.

"Of course I'll go with you. I'll do whatever I can to make sure you're happy and healthy. I want us to work. I want this to last. You just let me know when and I'm there," I promised.

Clay cupped my face between his hands and the look in his eyes made me feel all gooey. "You are the most selfless and amazing person I've ever met Maggie May Young. I don't know what I did to deserve you. I will try every single day to make sure I'm worthy of the faith you put in me."

I leaned forward and touched my lips, ever so gently against his. He hummed in approval and moved one hand to cup the back of my neck while the other snaked around my middle, pulling me closer. I was pressed up against him, our mouths moving against one another and I couldn't ignore the tingling heat that was creeping its way through my body.

When his tongue touched the seam of my lips, I opened them without hesitation. Our tongues tangled together as we devoured one another. I gripped at his shirt, the blanket falling away from my shoulders and his hands moved down my body.

His fingers stopped just shy of the hem of my dress, which had hiked up my thighs and was barely covering my bottom half. How easy it would be to jump back into the physical side of our relationship. When everything else had been so crazy, that was one thing that had always made sense. When our bodies came together it had been the most beautiful thing I had ever known.

I could feel how much Clay wanted me. It was pressed intimately against the valley between my legs as I squirmed in his lap. He groaned, rich and raw in the back of his throat, his fingers digging into my flesh, the only barrier being my thin tights.

But just as soon as we were moving to where I wanted to go, Clay pulled away. His eyes were tightly closed and his breathing ragged. My heart hammered in my chest and I had to fight myself for control. I wanted him. More than anything.

"Maggie," my name came out as a moan and it was such a turn on. I pressed against him again; ready to pick up where we had so abruptly left off.

Clay put his hands on my shoulders and I thought he was going to pull me closer but instead he held me away from his body. "We can't. Not yet." He opened eyes that were heavy with desire and I knew that he only half meant his words.

I blinked in confusion. "What? Why?" I hated how whiney I sounded. My body was buzzing and I wanted so desperately to be with him. In every way that mattered.

"I want you. I want this. So much. But we can't. Not while things are still so unstable. Please, just give me some time. I want everything to be perfect for you. I want to be the guy you deserve. Just understand, that when we're together again, it will be amazing and wonderful and my head will be in a place where I know I can give you everything you ever wanted." I slithered off his lap trying not to act like a petulant child.

"I get it. It's fine." What a lie. I was feeling absurdly rejected. I had always been the aggressor in the physical side of our relationship. I suppose, I was hoping this once, I wouldn't have to be. It was stupid and immature but when you're in the heat of the moment, only to be denied what your body wants so badly, it's hard to see things logically.

"Maggie. Please don't look like that. I love you. There is nothing in this world I want more than to make love to you. But let's just take this slow. It will be better in the long run. For both of us." His pleading made it difficult to stay miffed.

I laid my head down on his shoulder, turning my face into his shirt and kissed the spot just above his heart. "Okay," I said quietly. Clay held me tightly to his side and we were quiet. And for the time being, it was enough.

Chapter Nineteen.

-Clay-

Trying to fit years of work into a few short months was daunting, if not impossible. Here I was, a month out of treatment and I was attempting to run before I had even learned to walk. Sure, I was doing better. I was making strides to do things different, to break preexisting patterns. But I was a fool in thinking I was "okay."

Every day was a testimonial to how far I had come. But there were a thousand moments that reminded me of how stupid I was being for trying to promise Maggie, Ruby, myself, anything when I was in no position to do so.

The dark voice in my head, while not as loud, still taunted me. It tried to tell me that I wasn't ever going to get better. The urge to hurt myself was overwhelming. And for every smile I forced onto my face, it was followed by the fight to keep it all together.

But I was following my treatment plan. I never missed a therapy appointment. I made sure to take my medication twice a day as prescribed. But the niggling doubts began to resurface the longer I was in Davidson.

Did I really need the medicine?

Come on, wouldn't I feel so much better if I was just able to live without it? Remember how awesome it was? How I felt on top of the world?

What could it hurt? Missing a day or two? No one would have to know.

I was fighting an enemy every single day. And his name was Clayton Reed.

The only difference this time was I refused to bottle it up inside and hope it would go away. Or even worse, cave into the demands of the voice inside me. I spoke with Shaemus about how scared I was. About the urges that at times seemed to eat me alive.

He started having me journal again (just freaking fantastic). He wanted me to write down each and every time I had the desire to hurt myself. I was supposed to focus on what I was feeling, what triggered it. He didn't try to hide from me the fact that he was worried. He shared that the likelihood of relapse for someone with Borderline Personality Disorder was huge. He suggested that the Tegretol may need to be adjusted to combat my manic symptoms.

And then we would talk about voluntary readmission to a mental health facility. Sometimes that sounded like a good idea. Other times, not so much.

Every day I came home to an aunt who was barely able to get out of bed in the morning. She had started to see a grief counselor, at my insistence, but I wasn't seeing any change yet. But just like my own progress, it would happen over time. The house that had once felt warm and safe was now an empty sh.e.l.l.

But there was Maggie.

And that was both the brightest part of my day and the darkest. Because with all the journaling I was doing, it was clear my trigger hadn't changed. It seemed that my most negative emotions were somehow still tied to the girl who loved me.

I had lost it during my last therapy session. I had ripped the pages out of my journal and thrown them away. I had wanted to grab the pair of scissors on Shaemus' desk and cut myself wide. The tears had been furious and intense.

Shaemus didn't bat an eyelash. Thankfully he was like Dr. Todd in that way. He had simply told me to take deep breaths, to focus on something else and walked me through pulling myself together. It had taken awhile and I had gone over my session time by twenty minutes.

When my tirade was finished, he started talking about my returning to Grayson. He had spoken with Dr. Todd and they could arrange for a place for me in two weeks.

"I know you want to be here, for Ruby, for Maggie. But what good are you to either of them when you are in pain? They wouldn't want you to sacrifice your health for them," Shaemus had asked me gently. I hadn't been able to argue with that.

I had left my therapy appointment feeling defeated. I was a failure. Convinced that I couldn't be in this town a moment longer. But I had gone home to find Ruby curled up on the couch, fast asleep, clutching Lisa's coat in her hands. The evidence of her drying tears on her worn face.

How could I leave her? Not when she was like this.

I hadn't called Maggie that night. Worried that just the sound of her voice would either reinforce my desire to stay or make me want to get the h.e.l.l out of there. How could my love for her be so f.u.c.king conflicted? It wasn't fair to her. Not after everything.

But when I had woken up in the morning, I felt good. Happy even. The events from the day before a hazy memory. And I had picked Maggie up for school and just being around her put any thoughts of leaving firmly out of my mind.

How many times in my life had I convinced myself that everything would be fine? It seemed that some things really hadn't changed.

Particularly where Maggie was concerned. Becoming consumed by her was dangerous territory. One that I had traversed before with horrific results. But it was such a beautiful way to fall.

Maybe it was time to get Maggie to come with me to therapy. I was sure that this was a proactive way of taking control of my life.

"Do you think you could come with me to Shaemus' office tomorrow after school?" I asked Maggie as we walked into the cafeteria for lunch. I had taken to eating with her, Rachel and Daniel again. And so far, it hadn't been completely awkward.

Rachel and I had developed a bond of tentative respect since working together at Bubbles. She no longer avoided me and even tried to engage in conversation when we had our breaks. I knew her efforts had more to do with Maggie than it had to do with me, but I appreciated it nonetheless.

And Daniel. His antagonism had surprisingly died down. I knew he still watched me, waiting for the moment he had to intervene. But thankfully there hadn't been a need. Despite my inner craziness, outwardly I was working my a.s.s off to show the world I was a changed man.

It was exhausting being two separate people. I was beginning to wonder which was the "real" Clayton Reed.

Maggie stopped just inside the doorway to the overly loud lunch room and looked up at me. Her eyes were soft and I knew she understood how hard it was for me to open this part of myself to her. I hadn't been able to do it last time, but this time, I would.

"Sure. I'll just switch my shift at the coffee shop with someone."

"If it's too much of a ha.s.sle, we can do it another time," I a.s.sured her. Maggie gripped my forearm, her fingers digging into my skin.

"No, I'll be there," she said emphatically and I leaned down to kiss the top of her head. I felt the sensation of eyes on me. When I looked up I saw that f.u.c.kwad, Jake Fitzsimmons staring at us. He looked extremely unhappy at seeing Maggie and I together.

Maybe it was juvenile, but I couldn't help but sling my arm around Maggie's shoulders and smirk at Jake, who had yet to look away. I felt a flash of s.a.d.i.s.tic satisfaction at the way his jaw tensed up right before he broke eye contact. That's right a.s.shole, she's mine. Get that through your thick f.u.c.king head.

"Clay?" I realized that Maggie had been talking but I had been so fixated on my testosterone show down that I hadn't heard her. She followed my line of sight and gave a frustrated snort.

"Really, Clay? Do you want me to hold my leg out so you can pee on it? How about tattoo your name on my forehead? Leave Jake alone, okay?" She moved out from underneath my arm and I felt my paranoid anger resurface.

Why was she defending him? Was there more to their relationship than I realized? It was irrational but I became suspicious. I grabbed her arm. Not hard, just firmly, so that she couldn't move away from me. She looked down at my hand gripping her arm and I saw her face go pale.

I quickly realized what I was doing and dropped my hand. s.h.i.t. What was wrong with me?

"Sorry," I muttered, running my hand over the spot I had just held, maybe too harshly. Maggie's arm was tense and I moved back a fraction. "I don't have any reason to be jealous. I'm being dumb," I said quietly, feeling ashamed and embarra.s.sed.

"Yeah, you were. I'm not having this conversation about Jake again. It's stupid." Maggie hurried off toward our normal table and I wasn't so sure I should follow. I watched as Daniel and Rachel greeted her and I was relieved that neither of her friends had witnessed our altercation.

I clenched my hand into a fist and felt like smashing it into the concrete wall beside me.

See, this is what I was afraid of. The longer I was in Davidson, the closer I came to being that other Clay. It was as though everything I had learned in treatment was being lost in the day to day effort to be normal. Maggie looked up and caught my eye. She didn't look happy. I couldn't blame her. I had been a certifiable a.s.shole. A crazy jealous boyfriend. And over what? Because some dude was staring at my girl? How insecure was I that I couldn't handle that?

I made a conscious choice then to not run from my gigantic f.u.c.k up. I bought my lunch and walked with purpose to the lunch table shared by Maggie and her friends. She didn't look at me as I sat down beside her. Rachel and Daniel wore similar expressions of distrustful wariness.

"I'm sorry, Maggie," I said sincerely, loud enough for her friends to hear. I wasn't going to hide what I had done. I wasn't going to act like nothing had happened. I wouldn't manipulate her into forgiving my s.h.i.tty behavior. I would own up and hope that she forgave me.

"I got jealous. I know you and Jake have been close. Especially since I was gone. And he's always looking at you. And yeah, it p.i.s.ses me off. But that never gives me the right to put my hands on you. To restrain you or to make you afraid. My feelings have to do with me, not you." I sucked in a breath and waited for the crucifixion.

I looked from Rachel to Daniel, ready to accept the stones they wanted to throw. Daniel's eyes were cool as he a.s.sessed me. Rachel looked sad.

"Do I need to remind you of the fact I will take you out at the kneecaps if you f.u.c.k with her, man? Seriously. We are not going to sit around and watch you do this s.h.i.t again," Daniel growled and Rachel put a hand on his arm in an effort to calm him down.

I met his hard gaze and nodded. "No, I don't need the reminder. I know d.a.m.n well what you will do. And I'm okay with that. I was a jerk," my voice cracked and I felt my throat tighten up.

Maggie shook her head and didn't say anything. We ate our lunch in uncomfortable silence and I was sure I had screwed everything up all over again. But when Maggie got to her feet she looked down at me, her face heavy with emotion.

"I'll meet you after school tomorrow for your appointment. But I've got to go." And with that she left. I didn't say anything more to Daniel or Rachel. I picked up my tray and left the cafeteria. I didn't follow Maggie. I thought about leaving her a note in her locker, the way I had done way too many times before.

But that was something the old Clay would have done. The new Clay had to break the pattern. Even if it was reaching out to strangle me.

I waited by my car after school on Thursday. I hadn't talked to Maggie since yesterday. I knew she was taking a step back. And for once I gave her s.p.a.ce. I didn't stalk her like a psychopath. Though I had tried to call her last night. When she didn't answer, I simply left her a message telling her that I loved her and left it at that.

I had met with the guidance counselor again at lunch time. He was really pressing me to make some decisions about after graduation. I was really uncomfortable doing that. I wanted to throw caution to the wind and commit to some idealization of what I wanted for my life. But right now, with things being held together by a thread, I didn't think that was the smartest idea.

While goals were important, therapy encouraged them in fact, I just wasn't ready to put them to paper. Right now, I had to try and get through this vicious backslide I was finding myself in.

When I saw Maggie walk across the parking lot toward me, I felt like I could breathe again. My heart went into overdrive and I felt almost weak with relief. I had been terrified that she wouldn't meet me. Not that I would have blamed her if she had turned her back and run as far away from me as she could get.

But yet here she was. And it reminded me that I had love and support and I was d.a.m.n lucky. I pushed my hair back off of my forehead, my palms sweating.

"I wasn't sure you'd show," I admitted as she stopped in front of me. She looked beautiful in jeans that fit her narrow hips in a way that put very inappropriate but very hot thoughts in my head. Her teal sweater hung low around her neck and I tried not to be a total pig and peek down her shirt.

I was a guy after all. I'd have to be dead not to notice how amazing she looked.

She pulled her hair out of the collar of her jacket and gave me an unreadable look. "I wasn't so sure I'd show either." I swallowed thickly.

"Look if you don't want to go, I understand. What I did was f.u.c.ked up," I started but she cut me off.

"Stop it, Clay. I've thought about this long and hard. That's all I've done for the last twenty-four hours. I'm sick and tired of obsessing over you. I was really hoping we'd be past this. But I think I'm just being nave, and a little unfair to you. I can't expect you to morph into super Clay so quickly. It's only setting you up to fail. While what you did was not cool, I committed to taking this journey with you. And I won't go back on that. If there's anything I can do to make this easier on you, then I'll do it."

She stepped closer and narrowed her eyes. "But if you ever touch me like that again, you're going to find yourself missing a few fingers. Are we clear?"

I nodded, finding any words inadequate. Maggie took a step back and her face relaxed.

"Let's get going," she said and went around to the pa.s.senger side door.