Let Me: Let Me Fall Part 4

"So," Zach pressed, "you went back to regular school?" He looked hopeful.

"Yeah, last year. I miss Briarwood, though. The teachers were great there. Best teachers I've ever had. Before I went there, I hated school."

"I like it there too," Zach nodded, agreeing with his new hero.

"Briarwood's awesome," Tommy chimed in, fist b.u.mping Jeremy. "Hey, Jeremy, teach us to throw a spiral like you."

"Tomorrow," he said as he looked to me with a tentative expression. He corrected himself, "Or the next time I run into you."

"Come on, stay, Jeremy," they pled.

Jeremy smiled wide. "I really can't. Gotta go see my Grandma and Grandpa. But I promise, I will teach you next time."

And then Jeremy was pulling on his tee shirt-what a shame-and stuffing the football and his towel back into his bag. He twirled his key ring around his index finger a few times and then looked up at me and said, "See you around, Carolyn," before looking over to the boys and saying, "It was good to meet you two. Make sure you say that to Ramirez, ok?"

They both nodded, giggling, and fist b.u.mped him again before he turned and headed for the lot.

The next day it rained buckets...and Drew Skyped from Europe.

We talked for half an hour, me faking enthusiasm as Drew rattled off the minutia of his daily comings and goings. He looked the same-handsome, gorgeous really. Drew already had the look of a well put-together businessman by the age of seventeen. He looked believable in his crisp dress shirts, expertly trimmed hair and in his cool, blue, determined eyes.

Drew was over in Germany getting more exposure to his father's business. His dad was like some ex-Navy Seal or something who now owned and operated a consulting firm that advised the government on high priority security issues. Drew didn't share details with me but I got the gist that what his dad's company did was something along the lines of fulfilling government contracts by running specialized covert operations. Very cloak and dagger.

Drew had it all planned out. Acceptance to Annapolis, five years rising through the officer's ranks in the service and then moving onto the civilian side, joining his father's very profitable company. Lately, even though we'd only been dating eight or nine months, he'd talk about his plans as if my inclusion in them was a given.

"I think Alexandria would be a great home base for us when I get deployed, don't you, Carolyn?"

I'd laugh him off, gently trying to express that his a.s.sumptions made me feel pressured. "Drew...h.e.l.lo? I'm sixteen."

"And I'm seventeen." He'd tease back then, to lighten the mood. "I'm seventeen and I know what I want when I see it, Carolyn Harris."

"I don't even know where I'm applying to college yet, Drew."

"I thought you were set on Georgetown? That would be great...less than an hour apart."

"I'm not one hundred percent sure," I said, standing my ground as we chatted with the distance of an ocean between us. "I really liked being at Yale this summer. I might want to stay closer to Tommy too."

"Yale? Staying in Connecticut? That's hardly a new experience, Carolyn. And we'd be, like, nearly six hours apart."

Did he have some stored bank of knowledge, a detailed catalogue of the driving distances between all locations? Everything preconfigured? Yes he did. "We'll talk when you get home, Drew. I don't want to make any big life decisions just yet," I teased.

"Two more weeks, baby. I miss you so much. I keep thinking about the night before I left...in my pool house." I swallowed, blushed and turned my face away from the screen for a moment. He chuckled, "Did I embarra.s.s you, sweetheart."

I shook my head and forced a smile. That night we'd done more than we had before. His parents had taken us out to dinner at some upscale steak house. Drew snuck me a shot of something warm that burned my belly in an oddly soothing way before we got into the car. I think he needed something to ease his nerves too. Mrs. Oliver was nice, I guess, but Drew's dad was formal, demanding-kinda harsh. Drew called him "sir" and that alone made it awkward to be around his family. Even his mother seemed a little stiff and wary in her husband's presence.

My parents were more laid back and were openly affectionate with one another. When I spent time at Drew's, I felt bad for him.

That night, Senior Chief Petty Officer Oliver was in his usual form. After Drew was pressed to give a status update on his Annapolis application process, I was grilled about my plans. I noticed that he scoffed slightly when I said neuropsychology. Drew chimed in to smooth it over, clarifying that I was not looking to be a therapist but someone who's more like a doctor or a research scientist, studying neurology and the role it plays in learning disabilities. I felt like saying, Don't defend me to this jerk. And what if I wanted to be a psychologist? Was there something the matter with providing people with mental health services?

We went out to the pool house after we got back and Drew collapsed in a chair, seemingly wiped out by the effort it took to deal with his father. He pulled a flask out from underneath the chair, took a swig and then pa.s.sed it to me. I took a little sip in an effort to show solidarity with him. I really did feel for Drew. His father was stoic, cold and demanding. It would be hard to live up to his expectations. Drew was typically self-a.s.sured-bordering on c.o.c.ky-except in the presence of his dad.

I sat in his lap and draped my arms around his neck as I kissed him. I wanted to make him forget. "G.o.d, Carolyn," Drew moaned into my mouth. "Do you know how hot you are?" He pulled back a few inches and looked into my eyes. "You don't even know and that makes you even hotter. You're this sweet and innocent beauty that's oblivious to the fact that every guy in our grade wants you." He began kissing my neck then and said in between kisses, "But I've got you. You're mine, Carolyn."

I winced slightly at the mention of my innocence but didn't lapse into self-recrimination like I usually did. Tonight Drew's vulnerability and his words, his desire, made me feel different.

I repositioned myself so that I was straddling him and I unb.u.t.toned the front of my dress. He slid the straps down my shoulders and cupped my b.r.e.a.s.t.s through the lace of my bra. Then he kissed me. His mouth felt hard against mine. It wasn't the kind of kiss that unleashed b.u.t.terflies in your stomach or set off fireworks in your mind, but it was pa.s.sionate. I could feel him pressing against me as he rocked his hips up into me. "Does that feel good, Carolyn?"

It did feel good and I nodded as I breathed a little heavier. He had touched me there before and I had stroked him, letting him come in my hand many times. But I never came. At least I wasn't sure if I had or not. Samantha had relayed, in detail, that her few experiences were earth-shattering events where her vision blurred, the stars aligned and her satisfied coochie sang a happy tune. I, on the other hand, had learned to whimper and moan so that at a certain point, Drew was satisfied he'd done his job well and he would stop.

After he slid his fingers beneath the lace of my panties and worked me up into what he thought was a frenzy, I went to undo his belt and his zipper. He leaned back, looking at me reverently as I slid my hand into his boxer briefs. I kissed his jaw and then down his neck as I worked him. "f.u.c.k, that feels good." As I moved and kissed along his collarbone, I felt his hand gently push on my head, urging me lower. I guess I must have stilled, hesitating for a moment, because he spoke again, urging me on sweetly, "Please, Carolyn. Please do this for me."

So I did.

I hated it the first time I was coerced to do it and didn't like it much more this time. Drew wasn't him. Drew cared for me deeply, I knew that. But it brought me back to that night, alone with him in the woods. His hands fisted roughly in my hair, pushing me down onto him, not caring that I was just a kid or that I was gagging. I tried not to think about it. I tried to push the image away.

At one point Drew's hold became a little frenzied and he began jerking his hips up into me. I felt tears p.r.i.c.k my eyes as I went to move myself away from him. He didn't notice. At that same moment he pulled me off him and rubbed himself roughly as his release spurted onto his stomach. He opened his eyes after a moment and kissed the top of my head. "Carolyn, that felt incredible. Thank you, sweetheart. I love you, you know that, right?"

I nodded and kissed Drew's chest, not willing to look up at him; he'd see I was on the verge of tears. I collected myself as Drew cleaned up. He came back in and laid on a lounger, bringing me down to rest beside him, tucking me into the nook of his arm as he whispered sweet words to me and told me how desperately he'd miss me this summer.

I couldn't get to sleep as I lay in bed, thinking back to that night. I did miss Drew but not in the way other girls seemed to truly miss their boyfriends. The boys they loved. The first night Drew said those words to me, I repeated them back immediately. It was only four months after we'd started dating. I didn't know if I loved him or not. Did I care about him? Did I want only good things for him? Did I enjoy being on his arm, basking in the admiration of others now that I was officially Drew Oliver's girlfriend? Yes was the answer to each question.

But did I love him?

The sense of wanting, the hopeful feeling I had when I wondered if I would see Jeremy at the lake the next day-I never felt like that about Drew. Thoughts of Jeremy kept me up late that night. I fantasized over what our next encounter would be like and then no sooner would guilt wash over me. It was terrible to think about Jeremy in that way when I had Drew. I was Drew's.

The self-imposed guilt trip was pointless, as any ridiculous notions I had about me and Jeremy were squelched the next time I saw him at the lake-like a bucket of ice water being dumped over a few weak, smoldering embers.

By day three I was pleading, with no one in particular, for this G.o.dforsaken rain to stop. The only upside was that I was working on an indoor project with Denny in the meantime, giving me a much needed break from Beth Peterman.

When I finally woke to bright sun and a coating of sweat on my skin, I was pumped. Today was really hot and Dad and I were probably the only people in this town without central air conditioning. I didn't care, though. The sun and the heat increased the likelihood that Carolyn would be at the lake. Hopefully she'd be wearing that tiny, blue-checkered bikini she was wearing the other day. Oh my lord, Carolyn looked good in that.

I was thinking about Carolyn all day, hardly noticing that-surprise, surprise-Mr. Peterman was home for once. The day couldn't get any better; with her husband home, Beth had no choice but to ignore me.

I knew even thinking about Carolyn was stupid. But I wanted to be around her and I'll admit, I was playing a little bit of a game with her. I knew that she got rattled when I was nearby and I liked that I made her feel unsettled. Everything about her seemed orderly, methodical and disciplined. I liked that with each pa.s.sing day, Carolyn's bikinis seemed to show more skin, her hair was down and more tousled, and that reserved, demure manner seemed to show a few cracks. I think I even heard her snort when she laughed at something her brother had said the other day.

She didn't disappoint today. I was relieved to see her when I pulled up. She was standing on the gra.s.sy sh.o.r.e in a pink bikini, her brown hair falling in loose waves around her face. She startled when I walked up behind her and said, "You made it."

"Hey," she greeted, breathy, as she watched me strip off my sweaty shirt and drop it next to her towel. "How are you?"

"I'm good. Happy it finally stopped pouring. I've been cooped up working indoors the past few days."

"Where are you working this summer?"

"I'm doing apprentice hours for a local electrician. He's training me."

"That sounds interesting," she said sincerely.

I chuckled. "I don't know if you'd find it interesting, Carolyn. But I like it. I like working with my hands."

She put her hands on her hips in a defiant posture. Those hips were sweet. "Don't a.s.sume anything about me, Jeremy Rivers. You haven't been around me in a very long time," she teased. After a moment, her expression became more serious and she asked, "Is it hard? I mean, learning all of that. I would think electrical work is very complicated...and dangerous."

"I still have a lot to learn but I've been helping my father since I was a kid with repair work and carpentry. I've done some basic electrical work at the estate we live on, too. And Mr. Roberts is great. He's a good boss."

Carolyn nodded. She looked out at the boys and their friends playing on the dock and then practically whispered, "It is so hot today."

I was tempted to tease her, asking her how she could be hot with so little clothes on. But I wouldn't. She was too nice to make fun of. And I wouldn't say a thing that might encourage her to keep her beautiful body covered.

"Well I'm heading in. You coming?" I asked her as I walked backwards into the lake. She looked longingly at the water but raised her eyes to me and shook her head. "Suit yourself, Carolyn."

After spending a few minutes hurling Thomas and Zack off the dock as they laughed like pair of hyenas, I made my way back out to her. She looked like a G.o.ddess standing there...long, graceful limbs topped by deadly curves. As I came closer, I noticed she was twirling a lock of hair around her finger. I stilled for a minute, remembering her as a girl, the same nervous habit she had back then. It was stupid but I felt my heart swell a little, taking in that sight.

I came within a foot of her and shook my hair out, wetting her, making her squeal and laugh. I liked the sound of her laugh. "So, missy, Thomas told me your secret."

"He's a little rat. What secret?" she demanded.

I c.o.c.ked my head and asked in disbelief, "You're afraid of the lake?"

She giggled nervously. "I can't stand how the bottom feels. It's slimy!"

"You're so spoiled, Harris. Only your clean, shiny pool will do?"

"No," she protested, slapping me lightly on my chest. I had to resist the urge to grab her hand and hold it in place. Her hand felt too good on my skin. "I like the feeling of sand between my toes when I'm at the beach, Jeremy. I go in the ocean. It's just the lake...I always imagine a snake or a viper wrapping itself around my ankle as I sink into that mushy yuck."

"First off, a viper is a snake and there are no snakes in that water. And second, you don't have to touch your feet on the mushy yuck at the bottom if you can swim."

She screamed b.l.o.o.d.y murder when I tossed her over my shoulder and ran her into the lake. Everyone nearby turned at the sound of her shrieks and laughter. I lowered her when we were chest deep. I wanted to put some distance between our bodies because mine was beginning to react to the feel of her, but she freaked when I put her down, wrapping her arms around my neck tight so that I was holding her up. G.o.dd.a.m.n, her chest was now pressed up against mine and I could feel her nipples hardening against me. This couldn't happen. "I've got you, Carolyn," I a.s.sured her as I created a slight distance between us, holding her up by her hips. "Wow, you really are afraid, huh?"

"I know it's ridiculous," she said, embarra.s.sed.

"No, it's not. I shouldn't have teased you."

She looked up at me, still holding onto my shoulders and treading water as she said, "The water does feel great, though. I felt like I was going to spontaneously combust back on the sh.o.r.e."

"Can you touch one foot to the bottom?"

She considered it for a moment. "Yes," she said, nodding and laughing.

She tentatively touched one foot down and then the other. Carolyn was on her tip-toes, her face a grimace.

"I guess that's enough desensitization for one day," I said as I lifted her up and slung her behind my back cross-wise as I waded back to sh.o.r.e.

"I feel like a sack of flour."

What you feel like is a walking, talking wet dream. What I actually said was, "Here you go, back on semi-dry land, safe and sound."

When she looked up at me, her smile made today the best day I'd had in a really, really long time.

"Well, isn't this cozy," a snarky voice called from behind me. Jeremy froze and then instinctively backed away a few steps.

"Hey, Vanessa," he said. He sounded uncomfortable, guilty. Maybe that was just me projecting though, because all of a sudden I was feeling exposed, the guilt of acting this way and wanting another boy washing over me.

I turned to see her, arms crossed, looking completely out of place in her black, calf-high combat boots, her snug, black shorts and her tight tank that exposed her belly. She was beautiful in her own way, with jet black hair, fair white skin and bright red, pouty lips. She narrowed her gaze and scrutinized me. Let's just say that if looks could kill, I'd have been six feet under.

Jeremy asked, "Carolyn, do you know-"

"Vanessa. Yeah. Hi, Vanessa," I said. She gave a brief, tight smile and no greeting in return.

Vanessa patently ignored me then and smiled sweetly up at Jeremy. "Come on, big boy. You promised you'd help me with that thing after we stop in and see your Grandma, remember?"

"Yeah, sorry." He looked back to me without smiling and said his regular parting words: "See you around, Carolyn."

Vanessa linked her arm through his and pressed into his side as they made their way up the hill together. She said something that he replied to and then they both laughed. Vanessa looked back over her shoulder at me for a moment, a smirk on her face.

I got the distinct impression that the joke had been on me.

I resolved that night, as I lay in bed not sleeping, that what I'd been playing at with Jeremy was unwise and it was over. Drew would be home in a few days and my life would get back to normal.

Watching Jeremy and Vanessa together, I could see what he saw in her. She was exciting, b.a.l.l.sy, daring...a risk-taker. Me and my nerdy research projects would probably bore the c.r.a.p out of Jeremy inside of a week.

They fit together.

The rest of the summer went by...dragged by.

I fell back into my routine. Work, dodge Mrs. Peterman's advances, punishing work out, cool shower, visit Grandma and then either sketch or fall into bed with my e-reader set on an audio book.

I avoided the lake. I had gone back there once, the day after our last awkward parting. I wanted to smooth things over with her, apologize in some way for Vanessa's rude behavior and my weird reaction. I wanted it-whatever it was-to continue. But Carolyn wasn't there and I took that as a sign.

The next time I saw her was a few days before cla.s.ses started. It was just like last year. I heard Chase ahead of me, howling like a wolf. He was the first to catch sight of the girls' volleyball team in the middle of tryouts. The coach tried to hush him but as the rest of us made our way into the gym, the catcalls and whistles only got louder. Their coach threw her hands up, exasperated.

I watched Drew make his way over to Carolyn, lean down and whisper something in her ear. She smiled up at him. She was stretching. He reached a hand down to help her up and then pulled her close once she was on her feet. He whispered in her ear again and then ran his hand over her a.s.s before she swatted him away and laughed, blushing. f.u.c.k, it hurt. And I knew I had no right to feel that way.

I didn't shower after practice; I just needed to get out of there. I threw my gear into my truck and took off, driving aimlessly. Not really without a destination, I suppose, as I found myself pulling into the Petermans' driveway under the pretense of picking up the last of my tools. I had left a cable cutter in their garage but Denny could have easily gotten it when he came to settle the account with them.

I rang the bell and Beth answered. She was alone, as usual. She looked me over from head to toe, taking in the sweaty clothes that clung to my skin. She said she was just about to take a dip in the pool. Did I want to join her?

This time I didn't say no.

It was as if those two weeks had never happened, like I'd imagined it all. Jeremy pa.s.sed me in the hallway as if he didn't even know me.

The first time it happened, I was mid-smile, about to say h.e.l.lo when he strode past. I turned around to follow him only to lock eyes with Vanessa, who was standing by his locker waiting for him. The look she shot me was pure evil.

Unlike last year, it seemed like I crossed paths with him constantly now. That first day, after ignoring me, I practically crashed into him as I absentmindedly made my way out of AP Calculus. He didn't stop to help me pick up my notebook or calculator, leaving me to scrounge on the floor as hundreds of bodies hurriedly pushed through the hallways. The icing on the cake? As I made my way into the cafeteria, I heard Drew call my name and saw Erica waving me over to our table. Jeremy was seated at the other end of the long table with Will and Mike. On his other side was Samantha. She had her hand resting on Jeremy's shoulder as she threw her head back and laughed at whatever hilarious thing he'd just said. Oh please, not her.

Will called over, "Hey, Harris, how was your summer?"

I gave the standard reply, "Great!"

Mike greeted me with, "What's up, Carolyn."