Let Me: Let Me Fall Part 3

Thomas now attended a school for children with dyslexia and other learning disabilities year-round, as did his friend, Zach. In the summer they had half-day sessions, so I didn't feel too bad about torturing the two of them every day for a little while so that they could help with my research. I'd always bribe them with a trip for ice cream or cheese fries afterwards. On that particular day, though, they wanted to go to the lake. "Really?" I asked. "Why the lake when we have a pool right out back?"

"Our pool is lame," my brother lamented.

"Chrissy and Marissa Nader said the lake is cool," Zach chimed in.

"Oh," I teased, gleefully, "the Nader twins said it's cool, huh?"

Thomas blushed and then barked, cringing, "Are you gonna take us there or what?"

I was still smiling to myself as I flipped my towel out onto the gra.s.s and sat, watching the boys wade in. The lake was peaceful and being there during the daylight hours felt different. I'd really only gone there at night for bonfires or after-game parties. During the day it was beautiful. There was tall gra.s.s on one side that blew in the warm breeze, a sandy sh.o.r.e on the other. In the middle there was a floating dock. The boys swam out there and proceeded to do cannonb.a.l.l.s over and over-jump, climb back up, repeat.

I was white. Being in a lab the entire month of July had left me pasty. I slathered on some sunblock with minimal SPF and took off my tank top and shorts. I was keeping half an eye on the boys while people-watching, taking in the few others along the sh.o.r.e. No one I knew was here. This was the place the townies used for a swimming hole. All of my friends had resort-like backyards with s.p.a.cious, heated pools tricked out with underwater lighting and Jacuzzis.

Watching a young mother sitting at the waterline playing with her two toddlers, I smiled. She looked so content and happy as the little boys sat shoveling the muddy sand into small buckets. Then I noticed two girls around Thomas's age making their way out to the float. Were these the Nader twins?

I was wistful, remembering how I was at that age. Remembering the crush I'd had on Jeremy. At the time, I thought it was true love. I'd write his name and my married name, Mrs. Carolyn Rivers, in the journal I kept stashed under my bed. I'd even named our children: Rory, my favorite character from Gilmore Girls, and Jared-at the time I had an obsession with watching My So Called Life re-runs. Back then, I would smile inwardly every time I caught Jeremy looking my way. I knew he only scowled out of embarra.s.sment when he got caught. Oh, the heartache I'd felt in the weeks and months after he left school.

I found myself stewing then, wondering why he'd ignored me, acted as if he didn't know me this entire year. It's not like we never saw one another. With me dating Drew and Jeremy being a teammate of Drew's, we did wind up at the same parties. One night this past winter we were both among a small group huddled in Mike Hanson's garage. Sitting on a couch watching Drew and Jeremy play each other in a game of pool was weird. He laughed and conversed comfortably with my boyfriend but he didn't once look my way, smile or give any indication that he knew who I was or cared to get to know me. It felt awful.

"You're burning."

The gruff, husky voice behind me snapped me back to the present. I whipped my head around and was face to face with some sculpted, strong looking legs. I looked up and was momentarily blinded by the sun before my vision adjusted and I was staring right into Jeremy's eyes. His hair was longer, falling past the nape of his neck but not long enough to skim his shoulders. He had the kind of hair that effortlessly hung in s.h.a.ggy, s.e.xy layers. My eyes drifted over his torso. G.o.d, he looked so much more like a man than Drew did. Jeremy's shoulders were broad, his chest smooth and sculpted...muscular. His waist descended into a V, a faint trail of wispy curls trailing from his belly b.u.t.ton to a place down, down below.

When he cleared his throat a moment later, I became aware that I was staring, biting my bottom lip. "Your back...it's burning, Carolyn."

"Um, you know my name?"

He chuckled and then said, "Yeah."

Embarra.s.sed, I stood and put my tank top on. He towered over me, strong and powerful. I wanted to say something witty. I wanted to have the conversation, the flirty banter I'd been imagining since that first day I saw him in the gym last fall. Instead I stood there tongue-tied, shy and awkward.

He broke the uncomfortable silence. "Have you heard from Drew?"

"Um, yeah. Sounds like he's having a lot of fun in Germany."

Jeremy's expression was easy and kind. "Yeah, he tries to make it sound like it's all work, no play, but I know he's full of it. When is he due back?"

"Third week in August. Just in time for football, I guess."

"I can't wait for football," Jeremy said, smiling as he looked out at the kids jumping off the dock and splashing each other in the water. Then he looked back to me and said, "All right, I'll see you around, Carolyn."

I watched him as he turned and walked back towards the lot. He must have just finished a run. He was shirtless and the sun glistened off the beads of sweat that clung to his back. I wanted to lick him, lick those few beads of sweat that were slowly making their way from the nape of his neck down his back, all the way to that curve right above his... You're insane, Carolyn, I thought to myself as I shook my head and grabbed my towel off the gra.s.s.

So he did know me after all. The thought pleased me. I knew I was an awkward mess and hadn't made a stellar impression during our encounter, but I was happy regardless.

I was happy that he remembered.

All this year, I wondered how he could forget me. Jeremy had been my hero ever since fifth grade when he pushed Trent Ralston to the ground after he'd snapped my training bra strap and said something vulgar that made all the other boys laugh. I would never forget that day or the day Jeremy had turned his temper on me. I couldn't be mad at him, even though I'd cried enough tears of hurt and embarra.s.sment that night to fill an ocean. I could feel his shame and could only imagine how he suffered. The sweet apology Jeremy left hidden in my desk the next day nearly broke my heart.

I could never forget him, even if decades and a million miles separated us.

I slid in, my wet, sweaty back sticking against the hot leather seat of my pick-up. d.a.m.n, I was missing my post-workout dip in the cool lake. I had to bolt, though. After finally working up the nerve to talk to Carolyn, I was rattled.

I stood about twenty feet away, just watching her for a few minutes. She had creamy, white skin that was in stark contrast to the black one-piece reining in her curves. I never thought a one-piece could look so hot. The pretty girl I once knew had grown into a beautiful woman.

I watched Carolyn's face and found myself smiling as her lips curved up at the corners; she looked like she was lost in good thoughts. But a moment later her brow creased and her lips turned down in a grimace, as if the sudden memory of something harsh or hurtful had surfaced. Just then, she reached both hands up as she undid the band that was holding her hair in a loose knot. She was sitting Indian style and when she reached up, her back arched, drawing my attention to her b.r.e.a.s.t.s. My eyes fixed on the sweet curve peeking out from the side of her suit. As her hair fell in loose waves down her back, I don't remember making a conscious decision to approach her-it was more like my feet just started moving, driven on by a will of their own.

"You're burning."

Real smooth, Jeremy, I thought. She just stared at me. I couldn't read her. Even if she didn't remember me from Driscoll, she had to recognize me from school now. I'd hung out at parties with her, I was friends with her boyfriend. She couldn't be that oblivious, could she? Once I brought up Drew she seemed more relaxed.

Yeah, I reminded myself, Carolyn has a boyfriend.

Every time I saw Drew with his arm draped over her shoulder or snug around her waist, I had to turn away. They looked like they fit together: the brainy beauty and the guy in our senior cla.s.s who was going to be voted Most Likely to Succeed. She fit with him, not with me.

I was surprised to see her at the lake. Hardly anyone from our school came here. Most were off vacationing who knows where, and if they were unlucky enough to be home, they didn't have to venture more than ten yards out their back door to reach a cool, blue oasis.

Some of the houses I'd worked in this summer blew me away. I expected them to be luxurious but I was just in awe sometimes, wondering how much money these people actually had to be able to afford it all. The house I was working on now had a pool that looked like pictures I'd seen of Italian grottos, complete with a secluded cave-like nook and cascading water feature. It looked incredible and I would have taken a dive in that pool at the end of my day if it wasn't for the s.e.x-starved cougar that had hired me.

Mrs. Peterman had actually hired Denny but after the job was deemed to be within my skill set, I was pretty much left on my own. This week I was installing outdoor lighting. Mrs. Peterman, or Beth, as she insisted I call her, was probably no more than thirty-five. Mr. Peterman was pushing sixty from what Denny had let slip. I guess Beth was what they call a trophy wife. I didn't like her. She made me feel nervous and she was always around.

As I worked on the deck, she'd saunter out in heels and a cover-up that barely skimmed her a.s.s cheeks. Then she'd slowly peel the top over her head to reveal herself in a teeny bikini. She would plant herself in a lounge chair by the pool. I could feel her eyes on me the entire time I worked. I wasn't obvious about it but she had my attention too; the woman had an insane body. I found myself gazing in Beth's direction only when I knew her back was turned. I'd watch when she rose and made her way to the pool, and again as she'd slowly move her hips side to side as she climbed the stairs back out, her dark hair dripping wet down her back.

Today, before I'd all but escaped and headed out to the lake, Beth had nearly propositioned me. It was so hot today, had to be over ninety, but I didn't dare take off my shirt as I worked-she'd think I was extending an invitation. As I was packing up my tools she came over, as she did every day, and asked me questions about my life, about school, football, whatever. I was polite but didn't feel the confidence or the desire to answer her in the flirty way she spoke to me.

When I was just about ready to leave, she asked me if I'd come inside and help her get something from a shelf that she couldn't reach. I swallowed, nervous, and followed her inside. I knew d.a.m.n well she didn't need the gla.s.s bowl she was gesturing to in the upper cabinet, but I went along with it anyway. I wasn't used to saying no. Beth was older, a.s.sertive, and she was, in a way, my employer.

She pointed up to the bowl and stood close behind me as I reached up to grab it. She placed her hand on my lower back, on my damp t-shirt, and I froze in place.

"Jeremy, you poor thing, you're so sweaty from working in that hot sun. Let me make you a cold drink," she insisted, as she trailed her hand lower still, resting it on my belt.

"I'm good, Mrs. Peterman, really."

"I know you're good, Jeremy," she teased. She turned away then and took a pitcher of lemonade out of the fridge. "Sit and cool off," she commanded.

Beth was wearing a bathing suit, I knew that, but the little kimono wrap she was wearing gave the illusion that there was nothing underneath. When she hopped up onto the kitchen island next to where I was sitting on a stool, the slit opened, revealing her thighs all the way up to the apex. I swallowed as my eyes fixed on the sight.

"Do you have a girlfriend, Jeremy?"

"Uh, no one right now," I choked out.

"Really?" she asked, her voice a cutesy, girlish squeal. "Jeremy, I find it hard to believe that every girl in this town isn't after you. I practically have to fan myself every time I see you swing that hammer of yours."

I choked on the lemonade that I had been enjoying up until that moment. What was she playing at, I asked myself, even though I knew full well what she wanted. "Thanks for the drink, Beth. I really have to go."

"Are you sure?" she asked, playfully pouting.

"Yeah, I do," I said as I got up and put the gla.s.s in the sink.

I thought sadness clouded her eyes for a moment but then she switched gears and smiled brightly at me. "All right, see you tomorrow then."

You'd think my d.i.c.k would be hard as a rock after witnessing that display but it wasn't. I had a l.u.s.ty, busty babe practically laying herself on a platter for me to feast upon, but she did nothing for me. Carolyn, on the other hand? Just an innocent glimpse of her bare skin and the sound of her sweet, unsure voice had worked my body into a painful state. As soon as I got home that night, I jerked off in the shower thinking about her. We were in the lake together in my fantasy, her arms draped around my neck as I held her up, her slick body pressed against mine. After I got my release, I sagged against the tiles.

Carolyn would never be mine.

Three days in a row.

He was here yesterday but he didn't come over to talk to me. I watched him from the corner of my eye. He stayed on the other side of the lake. I watched as he stripped out of his t-shirt, toed off his running sneakers, peeled off his socks and then took a running dive into the water. When he came up for a breath, he shook his hair out, like a s.h.a.ggy dog blissfully happy to be cool and refreshed again. So beautiful. He was like watching a living, breathing work of art.

I came back again, day three, even though Tommy and Zach requested a trip to the local batting cages instead of the lake. I coerced the boys only after succ.u.mbing to them amid some serious negotiations. Not only would the batting cages be first on the agenda tomorrow, but there would be no tutoring before or after.

After my first run-in with Jeremy, I'd taken care to shave anywhere on my body that might be remotely visible, slathered on self-tanner and taken time to straighten my wayward wavy hair into sleek, glossy submission.

I'd always liked Jeremy and admired him when we were kids. As I primped and picked my bathing suit out with care each day, I told myself that it would be nice to have him as a friend.

Please, I knew I was lying to myself. I knew that I was embarking on a dangerous game.

I wanted his attention.

Today I sat on my towel in a blue seersucker string bikini. The fabric gave the suit a sense of innocence but the cut of the bottom and the top were anything but chaste. I pretended to read a book but was scanning the sh.o.r.e for him at regular intervals, my gaze hidden behind sungla.s.ses.

Hottie on the horizon.

I swallowed and sat at attention as I observed his daily routine. He slowed to a stop and rested his hands on his knees, bent at the waist as he regained his breath after running in this hot, humid weather. After a minute he dropped and banged out one hundred perfect push-ups. The muscles in his back, shoulders and arms flexed with the movement. As his body dipped down, I imagined myself lying beneath Jeremy, caged in by his strong arms, his body grinding into mine. I swallowed again and shook off the thought. I felt a little ashamed of how I was stalking him, totally perving on him. I stood then and walked to put my feet in the water, figuring I needed to cool off some. I watched, smiling as he took off again running, taking those first steps trudging through the water before launching himself into a dive.

"Are you going in the lake, Carolyn, with all the creepy, slimy lake things?" Tommy teased as he and Zach made their way back to the sh.o.r.e.

"No, I am not," I said, laughing and shaking my head.

"Can we go get ice cream now, Carolyn?" Zach asked.

"Um, sure," I said, slightly disappointed. "Just take a few minutes to let the sun dry you. Riding a bike in a wet bathing suit is no fun, trust me."

Dammit. I didn't want to run off just yet but after several minutes the boys started getting restless. I figured I'd stalled for as long as I could. I picked up my towel and shook off the sand, frustrated. They were cramming their sandy feet into their sneakers when Jeremy approached. "Hey, Carolyn."

"Oh, hi," I answered, trying to act slightly surprised at the sight of him. Jeremy was dripping wet still, his shorts clinging to him. Yes, my eyes darted right there before I quickly looked away. G.o.d, I hope he didn't just notice that, I silently prayed. Jeremy was taking a towel out of his drawstring bag when a football tumbled out and fell onto the ground.

"Hey, mister, can we borrow your football?" Zach asked.

"Mister?" I laughed. "His name's Jeremy."

Tommy persisted, oblivious to me, "Mister Jeremy, can we use it?"

Jeremy looked at me and started laughing too when he saw the smile I couldn't contain. "Yeah, sure. Go long, you two."

Zach and Tommy took off, looking back to Jeremy every other second. He held the football perched above his right shoulder as he waved them further out with his left hand. "Get ready," he called to them as he launched a perfect spiral through the air for what seemed like a mile. He pumped his fist when Tommy caught the ball and laughed as he turned back to face me. I felt my face redden a bit when I sensed his eyes taking me in from head to toe. Jeremy cleared his throat and said, "You get tan pretty fast, huh?"

"No." I smiled, looking down and shaking my head. "This is what they call fake and bake." He looked at me quizzically so I clarified, "Self-tanner? I figured my ghostly white skin might be scaring the rest of the lake-goers."

Tommy ran the ball back then and asked for another throw. "Sure. You don't need to run it in, buddy, just throw it back to me, ok?"

"I can't throw it so far."

"No worries, I'll run in for it. It's good practice for me."

The three of them spent the next ten minutes tossing the ball, Jeremy getting a workout by running after their lame throws. He was patient and encouraging with them.

"Thanks."

"For what?" he asked, looking over his shoulder at me as he launched another perfect spiral.

"For this," I said, motioning to the boys. "I torture them for nearly two hours every day after they get home from school. This is a nice break."

He c.o.c.ked his head to the side. "Tutoring," I replied in response to his confused expression.

"School in the summer?" he asked, curious, without making it sound like the concept was so foreign.

"Um, yeah. My brother goes half-days in the summer. It's good for him...so that he doesn't regress."

He smiled warmly. "Spoken like a teacher, Carolyn."

I shrugged my shoulders and smiled. I closed my mouth quickly then, remembering I'd scarfed down tuna on a mini poppy bagel on the ride over here. Tuna breath plus the potential for poppy seeds stuck in my teeth. Way to go, Carolyn, I scolded myself. Oblivious to my inner psychotic dialogue, Jeremy asked, "What school does he go to?"

"Tommy and Zach go to Briarwood Country Day," I answered. The boys came running at us full-speed then.

"You two go to Briarwood?" Jeremy asked, surprised.

Tommy nodded his head happily but Zach cast his eyes down before he muttered, "Yeah."

Jeremy asked excitedly, "Do you know Mrs. Mitch.e.l.l?"

They both look at him, puzzled. Thomas answered, "Yeah, she's my favorite teacher."

Jeremy said, "She was mine too. Do you know Mr. Ramirez? I was his worst student. He nearly lost his mind trying to teach me guitar. I was hopeless."

Zach brightened up then. "He lets us call him Diego. I'm his best guitar student," he added proudly.

"Next time you see him, tell him Jeremy Rivers says hi. Oh," he added, laughing, "and tell him I'm the lead guitarist in some hot, new alternative rock band. He'll pa.s.s out!"

"But you're not, right?" Tommy asked, speculating. "You said you stink at guitar."

I closed my eyes for a moment and smiled. My sweet, quirky, he-who-speaks-without-a-filter little brother. When I opened my eyes, Jeremy was staring right at me, smiling. He looked to Thomas then as he said, "Right, dude. I just wanna mess with him."

Thomas joined in laughing then, as if to say, Ok, now I get it.

Zach asked timidly, "You don't go to Briarwood anymore?"

"No." Jeremy gestured his head in my direction. "I go to Westerly with Carolyn."