Kung Fu Nuns Part 5

Risking all, Uncle Ma replied, "One million U.S. dollars in advance!"

The Old Boss glared at Uncle Ma then stammered, "One million U.S. dollar! You crazy! Monk don't need money."

The words just flowed out of Uncle Ma's mouth, although he had no idea where they came from. "The situation is such that the Shar Yips not only exist, but they are in the forefront of the movement to overthrow Communism. They are just about to act. They need modern weapons. One million dollars will put them in the driver's seat, and the man that gives it to them will become a mandarin in the new China. They'll probably present him with a whole province."

The old man protested, "One million U.S! Pigs.h.i.t! I think you trying to steal from me."

"The man that gives it to them will be able to go to the homeland again," ventured Uncle Ma. It was a risky statement because Kee Djung Pau never expressed an interest in going to the mainland, which he had never visited. Ma only a.s.sumed that his mind had begun to entertain the thought as the minds of most elderly Chinese men did.

"I can no go China. They shoot all Kee there."

"The Communists shot all the Kees. The Shar Yips will kill all the Communists." When Kee Djung Pau made no reply, Uncle Ma realized, "The old b.u.g.g.e.r is senile. He's going to fall for it."

Almost in tears, the Old Boss moaned, "One million U.S. dollar," again.

"Man-child worth that!" nodded Uncle Ma.

"You go China?" Uncle Ma nodded again and the old man said, "They shoot you China!"

"I have connections there, and I'm not on their wanted list," said Uncle Ma truthfully.

"You no steal my money?"

"Have I ever taken anything from you? And how could I, after the magnificent gift you gave me last night."

The Old Boss looked at Uncle Ma blankly. He had forgotten all about the young virgin. When he didn't speak, Uncle Ma said, "I won't just bring back a Shar Yip, I'll bring back the chief monk of the Monastery with Three Entrances."

Old Boss suddenly moaned, "Pigs.h.i.t! You didn't read book! You trying to stick it up my entrance with a red-hot bronze Joy Stick. Monk no come here. Go there!"

Uncle Ma shouted in return, "You are crazy! You step out of Vietnam and you're a dead man. The Communists would put your head on display!"

Kee Djung Pau threw his hands up in the air and cried, "You no read book! I told you, read book! I no go Red China, Beautiful Birthday Present go Red China. Study at monastery. Endowed with spirit. Endowed with spirit make plenty man-child for me."

Uncle Ma could only surmise that Old Boss was totally senile, because once Beautiful Birthday Present got out of the clutches of the family, he'd never see her again.

"What if she doesn't come back?" Uncle Ma asked.

"She come back! She love me!"

"But who'll take care of your Joy Stick while she's gone?"

"I buy another slave for Joy Stick. Mongrel virgin! She make me hard just look."

"But," asked Uncle Ma, "don't you remember? You gave her to me last night. She's no longer a virgin."

"I remember. No her! Her little sister. She on market, too." He shouted in his high-pitched voice, "You waste time. You go read book. Whole book! Come back, I give money!"

Uncle Ma was seven times happier as he strolled back toward his apartment than he had when he set off to visit the Old Boss. He could proceed with confidence! The terror of Southeast Asia, Kee Djung Pau, the paramount chief of the detested Kees, had, at long last, become a totally incompetent, senile old man. "It took him much too long to fade!" thought Uncle Ma. "I can walk away with everything and no one would be the wiser. One million dollars in cash is nothing compared to all the overseas bank accounts. I can also do something for Beautiful Birthday Present. Once she's out of the country I'll send her to her relatives. Can't keep her with me when I reach in the States. Monastery? There's no Monastery with Three Entrances. There aren't any Shar Yip monks left in China."

As he approached his own apartment, the newly acquired young slave flew out of the front door and fell prostrate at his feet. Mrs. Ma had, somehow, acquired a tight-fitting red dress for her, probably from one of the other wives. She was freshly made up, her mouth bowed with lipstick, wet and inviting. She kissed his right shoe with theatrical enthusiasm as she begged, "Please let me please. Please let me suck your Joy Stick!"

Noticing his wife looking on approvingly from the kitchen window, he nodded to her and said, "I see you started her instructions already."

Mrs. Ma called all out, "I am very pleased with Honorable Uncle Kee Djung Pau's present. She will be very good for both of us!"

Uncle Ma thought to himself, "Not me. I'm taking myself away from all this." He looked down at the raven-haired beauty at his feet and thought, "I won't miss this at all. And they tell me American coeds will do a better job on a Joy Stick than old Madame Hot and Moist Mouth herself, just to better their grades."

In an act cra.s.s for even the Kees, Uncle Ma removed his already erect rod from his pants. As his wife shuddered and turned away from the window in a show of shame, he said to the girl, "Look up here, little sweet thing." His erection looming above, from her angle of view it looked huge, and she wondered how it ever managed to fully enter her still-sore Mystic Place the night before. "Don't gape at it girl. Suck!" said Uncle Ma.

The young slave b.u.mped her head against his Joy Stick before she was able to seat it in her mouth. As her tongue began to flick over its sides, Uncle Ma put his hands on his hips and said, "I see you've had some practice on my wife's cheap ivory d.i.l.d.o."

When word got around what was happening in the courtyard, all the Aunties came to look, and even the young Kees guarding the compound took turns leaving their post to view what Uncle Ma was doing. Satisfied that he had drawn enough of a crowd, he swooped the young slave up into his arms and carried her into his apartment, kicking the door closed behind him.

He spent the next twenty-four hours inserted in her without moving; she was astraddle, fighting to keep his Golden Orbs from disgorging. He didn't believe that this ancient technique would steal her youth from her, but found it more than just enjoyable.

He knew that the Old Boss was waiting impatiently, but he didn't sit down and read The Revenge of the Shar Yip carefully until still another day had pa.s.sed. When he had done so, he was even more convinced that the novel was a sham, but to impress Kee Djung Pau, he even took the trouble to memorize some of the more ridiculous pa.s.sages. That evening when he knocked on Old Boss's door, he was fully prepared.

Eugenia admitted him as sullen as ever. He found Kee Djung Pau in the bedroom seated on the kw.a.n.g. The old man motioned for him to join him and asked sternly, "This time, you read book?"

Uncle Ma nodded, "Of course! I can't wait to meet the Shar Yips. They can add at least two inches to your Joy Stick."

"You're not going there for you, you're going to for me! Find out if they take Beautiful Birthday Present!"

"I'm not taking her with me?" asked Uncle Ma.

"They have to accept her. You didn't ..."

"Yes I did," said Uncle Ma, sharply cutting the old man off in mid-sentence. "I don't have any doubts about that. She's beautiful and brilliant."

"The monks no have to accept her! She half-French mongrel! You think about that! Maybe they no train gwai los!"

"A good point, Uncle! The first thing we have to do is go to Saigon and have a letter written by a fine calligrapher so that the monks will know you are an educated man."

"How much that cost?" asked the old man.

"A few hundred dollars. I know the right man for the job!"

"Bargain! Don't waste my money." The Old Boss thought for a moment and then added, "No mail letter from Hong Kong and disappear. Hand deliver! And don't give money until they say they take my wife."

Looking as hurt as possible, Uncle Ma said, "How could you believe that I would do something like that, disappearing with your money? You know I never stole a thing in my life."

The old man moaned, "That trouble with you. You no good Kee. Kee supposed to steal from outsiders and give to me."

"I'm your counselor. I give advice. That's much more important."

"What kind advice. Don't do this! Don't do that! Don't kill this man, don't mutilate that man. If I listen to you all the time everyone think I got t.i.ts and no Golden Orbs."

Uncle Ma asked, "When the monks accept Beautiful Birthday Present, do I come back and fetch her?"

"No!" The old man moaned again. "You didn't read book!"

"Yes, I did! They come in the middle of the night and spirit her away. Don't you think they are a bit modernized by now? There are things like pa.s.sports and transportation arrangements."

"Shar Yip no need pa.s.sport and Shar Yip fly on the wind!"

"You'll be going to Saigon with me."

"What for?"

"Meet the calligrapher. He'll have to show you how to sign the letter."

"I no sign anything in my life! Sign something and end up in jail! You sign letter. What you sitting here for? Go Saigon!"

"Now? It's late and the Viet Cong are active again. You don't want to have ransom me, do you?"

"We pay plenty keep the Viet Cong out of our hair!"

"In this province, not all the way between here and Saigon! I'll go in the morning!"

The old man waved Uncle Ma away. The discussion was over. But as Ma started toward the door, Kee Djung Pau gestured him back and motioned for him to place his ear close to the old man's lips. The Old Boss whispered, "If something happen to me, Beautiful Birthday Present no come back here, ever!"

"Nothing is going to happen to you!"

"I'm no fool. Maybe one day, one young virgin too much. I go to h.e.l.l. I got coffin already."

"If something happens to you I will kill Elder Niece Kee and her son."

"Then what if someone kill you? She next! She child! Not know how to run this family."

"I'll bring my sons back from the United States," said Uncle Ma, who had no intention of ever visiting the two boys, even if his plan to flee to that country was successful.

"That stupid! The first ones they kill is you and her. They good Kees." He added, almost tearfully, "She no come back here, understand?"

Uncle Ma nodded. Kee Djung Pau then said, "I love her. I never love anybody in my life before." What looked like an actual tear formed in his eye. Although he hated the old gangster, Uncle Ma resolved that no matter what he did, he would return Eugenia to the real world and freedom.

Uncle Ma found Dr. Moi Tan at his rather modest home in the Chowloon section of Saigon. Moi, a doctor in name only as the t.i.tle was honorific, seemed surprised by Uncle Ma's request. "But," he protested, "you're an educated man. Your brush is much better than mine."

"This has to be written in rice line. I've never mastered it."

"Rice line? Why?" asked Moi. "That's rather fancy even for a presentation scroll! n.o.body could read it."

"It's a pet.i.tion to a group of monks in the homeland."

Dr. Moi shrugged. "Rice line? What monks are you talking about?"

"Shar Yips," said Uncle Ma, as if he believed they existed.

"I don't think they're that formal these days."

"Who?"

"Shar Yips!" said the doctor.

"You're kidding!"

"How so?" Uncle Ma laughed, "You're acting like you meet Shar Yips every day."

"No! But they're around. I haven't met one face-to-face, but I know people who have. They're quite talented. Kung fu, meditation, all the old ways."

"This letter I want you to write. It's more of an old man's fantasy," said Uncle Ma with a smile.

"There's nothing to be embarra.s.sed about!" said the doctor softly, patting Uncle Ma's hand consolingly.

"Embarra.s.sed about what?" asked Ma.

"Your Joy Stick!"

"My Joy Stick?"

"Have you thought about Western medicine? They're doing wonders these days resuscitating erections."

"I have no trouble with erections. I just took a young girl as a subsidiary wife. I popped her cherry like that," said Uncle Ma with a gesture.

"I didn't mean to insult you, old friend. But that's usually the only reason anyone would want to see a Shar Yip! The only other thing they do is kill people!"

"If I wanted to find one, where would I look?"

"There may be one in Vietnam, but they never let on. Its a secret society. If you get to Hong Kong, look up my friend Tommy Chu. He knew a Shar Yip! A woman! Says she was the greatest f.u.c.k he ever had."

"What if I went to their headquarters?"

"North of Henan! The Monastery with Three Entrances! They'll probably kill you because you're one of those Kees."

Uncle Ma replied, "Do you expect me to believe that they still have a monastery in the People's Republic? Under the Communists?"

"They weren't touched by the Communists. Chairman Mao has some affection for them, although a lot of people say he lets them continue on in their ancient ways only because they increased the size of his rod."

"By how much?"

"Two inches."

"Only two inches?" asked Uncle Ma.

"It's now almost three inches long. That was the best they could do."

Uncle Ma laughed and then said, "I'd better tell you the truth!"