My Soul Will Find Yours 41 Why Are You Denying Your Feelings For Him?

I feigned a disappointed look. "I almost got to where the people carrying the lamps were but I was intercepted by Shoutkun. He scolded me for a very long time."

She was taken aback by my reply. Her face was awash with disbelief and pleasant surprise. "What did he say?"

"His reprimand felt like a never-ending litany. He told me that I shouldn't be outside during that time of the night, especially unescorted. When I told him about the lamps, he berated me and told me those were his guards making their rounds," I deepened my frown for added effect.

Silence. And then..

Mami suddenly let out an almost maniacal laughter. "Hahaha! Lady Hinata, I thought you were a princess? Didn't your own guards conduct rounds in the evening to ensure your palace's safety?" Gone was the nervousness that gripped her earlier, it was replaced by derision at my made-up gullibility.

I let her scorn me more while I pretended to be offended by her words. Deep inside, I was mentally berating myself. I had too much fun earlier that I almost forgot what Shouta told me. I would have blown everything and inadvertently put him and myself in danger. Now that the woman from last night had a face, I had to find out who the man was. Who was the man who dared to infiltrate the inner palace and touch one of the shogun's women?

~~~

I went to Ayaka's chambers the moment Mami left. When I was ushered inside her bedroom, she was eating a bowl of the leftover rice and chicken porridge I made last night with great gusto. I smiled and was instantly reminded again of a fluffy bunny.

"How are you feeling?" I asked as I sat on the pillow offered by one of her maids. "Better, I hope."

"This food is magic," she beamed at me before signaling her attendants to leave the room and give us some privacy. "I feel so much better thanks to you."

"I'm glad," I said, although I still placed a hand on her forehead to make sure her fever was gone. "You have a weak immune system. You just got a little wet yesterday but you were down with a fever hours later."

Ayaka pouted, her pretty face reminiscent of a teenybopper and not the second wife of the most powerful man in the land. "My pregnancy is what's causing my body's defenses to weaken."

"The twins have made you some tonic, I gave them to Mitsuki earlier. Make sure to drink them after breakfast."

"Thank you, nee-chan," Ayaka grabbed one of my arms and tugged it. When my face was near hers, she gave me a peck on the cheek. I reddened in response. "You're blushing!"

"It's because you surprised me!" I covered my cheeks to hide my embarra.s.sment.

"Hehe," her face was chockfull of mischief. "Lady Hinata, I really prefer your company over Lady Mami's. You're very transparent and I don't have to be constantly on guard around you."

"Really?"

"Mmm!" she nodded. "And you're loyal to Kaname-sama."

My ears perked up. "What do you mean?"

"Lady Mami was the one who told me about the kabuki theatre. When I first came here, I rarely went out. I was very homesick and Kaname-sama only came to the ooku thrice a week," she began. "She befriended me as soon as I arrived. She would organize poetry-writing compet.i.tions between us, as well as games such as incense-guessing and my favorite, sh.e.l.l-matching. I always beat her in that game."

"Go on," I urged.

"We watched several plays at the theatre. It was fun but I could never be my real self around her. She's too... Stiff?" she furrowed her brows. "One day, after we watched a play and we were about to ride our respective palanquins back to the palace, a man approached her head maid. The maid then whispered something to her ear. I don't know what was up but she told me to go ahead without her."

I decided to give Mami the benefit of the doubt. "Maybe she had some urgent matter to attend to?"

Ayaka shook her head. "That wasn't the first and last time. It happened again and again. She would return to the palace hours later."

"What do you think was she doing?" I asked.

"I have a feeling she is going behind Kaname-sama's back," she replied. "But this is just my intuition working. I don't have concrete evidence."

'I have,' I almost wanted to say out loud. "How long has this been going on?" I asked. If my memory serves me right, Ayaka has been in the palace for four years now.

"Maybe about a year now?" she wasn't sure. "Her peculiar behavior started when she turned seven and twenty."

"Have you told the shogun about this?"

"Heavens no! I wouldn't dare!" she shook her head thrice, her eyes were round with fear. "I wouldn't dare cross her!"

"But she's being unfaithful… Or at least you think she is. Why didn't you inform Kaname-sama? As his wife, shouldn't you be on his side? Shouldn't you protect the man you love?"

Ayaka laughed, it sounded like bells ringing. "Lady Hinata, I adore the shogun but I do not love him. Love is not something a man felt for his wife and vise versa. Loving Kaname-sama is equivalent to disrespecting him."

"You married him and you care so deeply for your unborn child. Why are you denying your feelings for him?" I didn't understand her at all.

"I am not denying anything," she insisted. "The purpose of marriage is to continue the bloodline by having children. Us women should then devote ourselves to our offspring, ensuring that they grow up well and marry their rightful partners. Marriage is akin to a business, you engage in it until your fruits labor are rewarded. In this case, the rewards are our children."

My interest was piqued but I didn't want to jump into another topic. I decided to drop the issue and diverted our conversation back to Mami's behavior. "Are you just going to let Lady Mami make a fool out of the shogun?"

She thought about it for quite some time before giving me a response. "Lady Mami is a Kyoto woman and has a powerful background. Compared to mine, her lineage is up there with the aristocrats. I am but a mere daughter of a second generation daimyo. I cannot afford to offend her even if she was someone I do not like to be around with."

I stood up, I was very disappointed in her. "I thought you cared about Kaname-sama. It turns out that you value self-preservation over protecting his name."

"If you are wise, you would keep quiet and not dip your fingers into a hornet's nest. What she does doesn't concern me. It is her business. I am a concubine, my main purpose is to give the shogun an heir," her tone was calm and gentle but her words had a sharpness in them.

"I still think it's wrong to hide things from him," I walked to the door. "Anyway, I'm glad you're better now. Don't forget to drink the tonics Nanami and Tsubaki made."

Ayaka gave me a gentle smile. "I will, thank you for caring so much about me."

I simply nodded my head in response. I was almost out the door when she spoke again.

"By the way, Lady Hinata, you look beautiful. Your made up face suits you."

I gave her my thanks without looking back at her. My head was so full of the things she said that I couldn't sit and do nothing in my room. I called the maids and told them that we were visiting the temple.

"I heard from the nuns that the temple was flooded. My apologies, my lady, but we cannot go there right now." Ryuko-san informed me.

"Are there no other temples nearby?" I asked. I had to go out. The air in palace seemed stifling at the moment.

"There is but we will need your palanquin" she said. "Your bearers will be ready when you are, my lady."

"I want to leave as soon as possible," I told her. "Let's depart for the temple after lunch."