Kaua'i Me A River Part 8

This wasn't starting out well.

"It's great to hear from you, Eleanor. I'm working on your wedding even as we speak."

"You and Charles need to talk," she said.

That'd be a first. Up to that point, Charles had been more like a ventriloquist dummy than a partic.i.p.ant in his own wedding.

"Sure. When would he like to meet?"

"He doesn't know about it yet. You need to call him."

"Okay..." I hoped she'd fill in more blanks, but she stayed uncharacteristically silent. "Eleanor, do you have a number where I can reach him?"

"Just call his room. I think he's there now. Room one-three-one. Same place as me."

She hung up.

I looked up the hotel name on Charles and Eleanor's consultation folder. They were staying at an upscale resort in Wailea. I called and asked to speak to Mr. Charles Lindberg in room one-thirty-one. I figured I'd better say the room number so they wouldn't think it was a crank call involving the other Charles Lindbergh.

"Lindberg," Charles barked when he picked up the phone. I realized I'd never heard his voice before. It sounded more commanding than his chubby bald presence let on.

"h.e.l.lo Mr. Lindberg," I said. "This is Pali Moon, your wedding planner. I'm calling because-"

He cut me off. "You're calling because the b.i.t.c.h made you call."

"Uh, I..." What could I say?

"Look," he said. "You seem like a nice enough kid. This has nothing to do with you. Tell her I won't go along with it. That's the message. I'm not going to do it, b.i.t.c.h." He hung up.

I slowly put the receiver in the phone set. Their wedding was in six days. Not good. Not good at all.

CHAPTER 12.

Ten minutes later my shop phone rang again. I answered, hoping it was Charles Lindberg regretfully recanting his message. It wasn't. It was Steve.

"I've got some people lined up," he said.

"Have you offered them blindfolds and cigarettes?"

"Very funny. No, I've got some guys who've offered to help move Farrah."

"When?"

"Right now. I'm coming down there to pick you both up. Tell Farrah to be ready in twenty."

By the time he arrived at the shop he'd softened a little. "You know, ever since that sitcom *Modern Family' showed those two guys adopting a baby it's been tres tres chic for gay men to do the family thing," he said. "But I'm not falling for it. It's a fad. But if Farrah wants a kid, okay I'll go along. I've snagged a crib, a bunch of baby c.r.a.p like bouncy things and stuffed, uh, stuff. Steven's sister even sent over some baby clothes."

I hugged him. "Big, big mahalo, Steve. Farrah will be thrilled."

"I'm sure she will. Anyway, a guy I know from the B & C who's got a pick-up offered to haul the big stuff. He's already on his way so we need to get moving."

"You're the best," I said.

We started toward the stairs to Farrah's apartment. "But we have a deal, right?" he said. "No high chair."

"Both mother and child will be long gone before a high chair is necessary."

When we got to the house Steve's friend, Levi, was already there. I'd never met Levi before, but he was a looker. I'm sure he'd broken a few women's hearts who didn't have the effective *gaydar' I'd acquired since Steve had come into my life.

"Nice to meet you, ma'am," said Levi as we shook hands. He was one of those cowboy types that some gay men and a lot of women really go for. *Cowboy' isn't my thing. I lean toward guys with a more conventional style, but I could certainly see how those strip-tease eyes and unruly shock of blond hair could get the juices flowing.

Levi and Steve hauled in the parts to the baby crib. Farrah said not to worry about putting it together because she wanted to do it later. Then she ripped open a box I'd brought in and she started oohing and awing over the tiny clothes.

"Isn't this fab?" she said, holding up a pale yellow *onesie' with an embroidered monkey on the front.

"What would be *fab' is you offering to help me lug in these boxes. There are three or four more out there."

"I can't leave Baby," she said. Baby was fast asleep on a blanket on the floor. Thanks to Steve, at least it was a clean blanket.

Sir Lipton stood by the front door, panting. She'd worn herself out running back and forth from truck to house accompanying each load of goods.

"What's the kid's name?" said Levi pointing to the sleeping baby.

"I think it's *Baby'," I said.

"The poor kid doesn't have a name?" Levi looked puzzled. "Why not?"

Uh-oh. Steve and I exchanged a glance. Leave it to a cowboy to point out the eight-hundred pounds of BS in the middle of our living room.

"He's got a name," Farrah said in a huffy tone. "It's simply not common knowledge yet."

"Huh?" said Levi.

"I've named him, but I'm waiting for the stars to properly align before I speak it to the Universe. There's a time for every purpose under heaven, you know."

"When will the stars align?" I said. I didn't want to seem pushy, but I was hoping she'd say, *when I've been granted legal guardianship' or something along those lines. Instead, she said, "When Aries is in ascendance and Libra in retrograde."

Seemed the guardianship thing was too much to hope for.

With Farrah and Baby settled in, Levi roared away in his truck. Steve had given him a six-pack of Bikini Blonde Lager from the Maui Brewing Company for his trouble.

"He used a quarter tank of gas and two hours of his time you give him a measly six-pack?" I said.

"No worries. Levi's easy. He's new in town and doesn't know the ropes. I promised I'd introduce him around."

"What is this, the rainbow coalition mafia? You gotta have *introductions' and learn *the ropes'?"

"Hey, not everyone qualifies to hang out with us. I keep it strictly friends-only. That way, if anybody messes up, the injured party knows I'll do something about it."

"Sure, Guido, whatever," I said.

I offered to buy him lunch since he'd offered to drive me down to my shop in Pa'ia to pick up my car.

"I really appreciate you going along with this baby thing," I said as we hunkered into a big basket of fish and chips at the Pa'ia Fish Market.

"Remember, this isn't long-term. They're both history before the kid needs a high chair," he said. "You pinkie swore."

"I'm worried Farrah's time with this baby will be way short of a high chair," I said. "I talked to Sifu Doug and he freaked me out talking about kidnapping. He offered to call his brother. Hopefully James can give Farrah some legal advice on what she needs to do."

"Couldn't Farrah just go the hanai route? I mean, your Auntie Mana raised you and your brother as hanai kids without being legally adopted."

"True. But it wasn't like Auntie Mana just glommed on to us. First off, we were older and we knew her. And I'm sure my mom's friends all spoke up for Mana with the authorities. Farrah doesn't even know who the mother is. It's totally different."

"Would you go to bat for Farrah?"

"Of course. That's why I asked Sifu Doug to call the lawyer. But James is an officer of the court. He can't play *Let's Make a Deal' with a human being. He's got to follow the rules."

"What do you think will happen?"

I shrugged. "I know what I'd like to have happen. But we're talking about Farrah. She tends to turn left when the sign points right. I'm just hoping she'll come around and do what she needs to do. Otherwise, I'm afraid this whole thing could turn out to be pretty painful."

"For everybody," he said.

"Yeah, for everybody."

We finished our fish and chips in silence. I thanked him again for helping Farrah move in and then I went to my shop. When I got inside, the phone message light was blinking. I punched in the code for my voicemail and learned I had a message from an hour earlier.

It was Eleanor. "Pali," she wailed. "Where are you? How could you abandon me in my hour of need? Get back to me right away."

I called the hotel and asked for her room.

When Eleanor answered, her voice was so cold I thought the phone might ice over "Do you think you could find time in your busy day to see me?" she said.

"Certainly. Do you want me to come down there or do you want to meet here at the shop?"

"I think since I'm the paying customer you should make the effort to come to me," she said.

"No worries. I'm on my way. Would you like us to meet in the lobby or in your room?"

"What's with all the questions?" she said. "This is an emergency. Get your a.s.s down here!"

I locked up and got into my forlorn little green Geo Metro. I'd promised myself over and over that as soon as I could swing it I'd buy a new ride. A flicker of recollection of yesterday's meeting shot through me and I realized I might be able to go car shopping in the very near future. That put a smile on my face even though I was on my way to handle my least favorite part of my job: run interference between a cranky bride and her reluctant groom.

I pulled up near the Grand King Kamehameha Resort and Spa and parked on the street. No way would I subject myself to the stares and eye rolls of valet parking. And besides, I had a hunch after my meeting with Eleanor the last thing I'd want is to be hanging around waiting for a valet to bring my car around.

"Aloha and welcome to the Grand King Kamehameha," said the doorman as he pulled the heavy gla.s.s and bra.s.s door open for me. "May I direct you to your destination?"

I wanted to tell him my destination was a rude dressing down by an overwrought senior citizen and ask him where he'd suggest that take place, but instead I smiled and said I knew the way.

I called Eleanor's room from the house phone.

"It took you long enough," she said. "Come on up."

I took the elevator to the fourth floor. As I walked down to her room, I realized her room number was at the very end of the hall. A suite. A really big, really spendy suite.

She pulled the door open so quickly I was sure she'd been peering out the peephole as I came down the hallway. Good thing I hadn't been picking my nose-not that I'd ever pick my nose in public, but even so.

"Now what do you suggest we do?" said Eleanor as she turned and went into the enormous living area of the suite. She plopped down in an overstuffed armchair while I took in the view. It was even more beautiful than the view Hatch and I had had in Poipu. Eleanor's suite was smack dab on the ocean with the island of Lana'i clearly outlined on the horizon. The sky was deep blue with only a single puffy cloud to give it dimension. How in the world could someone be having a hissy fit with that kind of G.o.d-given beauty laid out in front of them?

"Catch me up here, Eleanor," I said. "I'm not exactly sure what's going on."

"Charles won't sign the pre-nup," she said.

"Isn't it kind of late for a pre-nup?"

"It's not too late until I say *I do'," she snapped. "I just got the final papers from my lawyer yesterday."

I tried another tack. "Did Charles know a pre-nup was coming?"

"Well, he should have. I mean, think about it. The guy doesn't have a pot to pee in. And he's got five kids! I only have one child."

"And you enjoy a considerably more comfortable lifestyle than Charles?" That was the best I could do in coming up with a tactful way of saying, You're loaded and he's not.

"Oh c'mon, Pali, I'm not kidding myself. I know I can be somewhat hard to please at times. But what I'm offering Charles is a life he's only dreamed of. All he has to do is sign the pre-nup and agree that the money's mine. It's not like I'm accusing him of anything. But if he won't sign, it's like he's saying he's only going to put up with me until he can dump me and take half of everything. It's not right."

I nodded. "Okay. How can I help?"

"Go down there and have a word with him. He'll listen to you."

I wasn't sure how much Charles was willing to listen but I agreed to give it a go. I took the elevator down to the first floor.

I knocked and Charles let me in. He said nothing. His room turned out to be a *standard' room with a *garden' view; the cheapest accommodation in the entire hotel.

"You know why I'm here?" I said.

"I've got a good idea."

"Well, why not just sign it?"

He stared out the window. The view was mostly parking lot. Only a thin strip of lawn with a single plumeria tree at the far edge stood between Charles' window and a half-acre of rental cars baking in the sun. Hardly a *garden view'.

"I don't mean to be petty," he said. "But put yourself in my shoes. You've met the woman. She talks a blue streak and most of it is self-centered prattle. She's rude to waitresses and she pitches a royal fit if she has to wait for anything. My life with her will be financially comfortable but emotionally taxing. I shouldn't have to sign away my rights. To be frank, there's no way I'd marry her if she didn't have money."