Josh Billings on Ice Part 7

Bobtaled peekox don't travel mutch on their pride.

Take the axidents out ov this life, and how menny men iz thare who wood sukseed or fale?

Friendship iz a mirror which we hold up tew uthers, tew see ourselfs in.

Deep thinkers laff with their mowth.

A man iz a phool just in proporshun az he iz known better bi sumboddy else than he knows himself.

Novelty iz a good deel like a kitten's tale, soon played out.

The world owes most ov its refinement tu 2 verry difrunt things--the Bible, and the looking-gla.s.s.

Trew critysism consists in giving a man credit for the good things he sez, and not cussin him for the good things he don't say.

XV.

BILLIARDS.

Evryboddy seems tew be gitting crazy over a new game, which haz jist bin diskovered, called billyards.

It iz played on the top ov a tabel which iz a little longer than it iz square, and the game seems tew konsist in pushing sum round red bawls agin sum round white bawls, until they drop into sum little pudding bags which are hung unto the outside ov the tabel.

It takes 2 men tew play the game, but 4 or 5 can look on.

They take oph their coats, and stand clus up to the tabel, with a short piece ov a fishpole in their hands, which has a chalk mark onto the end ov it.

Then one begins, by giving one ov the bawls a punch in the belly, which sends it agin the next one's belly, and so on, till the other fellow's turn fur punching comes on.

But yu ought tew see the game; it kant be delineated bi words.

One feller generally beats the other feller, and then he pays the landlord ov the consarn 25 cents fur the privilege ov gitting beat, and buys sum gin, with lemonade in it, and aul hands drink.

Then 2 more takes holt ov the fishpoles, and they punch fur a spell, and so it goes on till 2 o'clock in the morning; then each goes hum, having enjoyed fine exercise, a little drunk perhaps; but the muscles in their breast are so expanded that they can't ketch the consumption nor the smaul pox.

_This iz billyards._

XVI.

JOSH BILLINGS "RIZES."

GENTLEMEN AND MISTER CHAIRMAN:--

I rise with grate diffidence fur the fust time in mi life, tew address an impromptew a.s.semblage. What i can say iz instant, and i kant alter it; i kant sit doun, or stand up, and studdy a thing out, enny more than i kan sit doun and think how tew lift a ton. We have met here just fur fun; and i beleaf that aul things, including truth, hav a fun redikilous side tew them, and i fully beleaf, that while Satan, with consumate skill, fills hiz ranks bi the arts ov seduction, virtue should resort tew the same means. I beleaf in sugar-coated pills, and i beleaf that virtue and wisdom kan be smuggled into a man's soul bi a good natured proverb, better and deeper than to be morticed into it with a wormwood mallet and chisel. We hav met tew celebrate the birth-day ov a Sunday newspaper; the child iz a year old and iz growing nicely. Sum people doubt the propriety ov Sunday newspapers; they seem tew think that the Sabbath waz made only fur the acts ov sectarian worship, but i beleaf that religion was never designed az a bizness, but only tew regulate and correct bizzness with,--I should az soon think ov tunelling Hoosick Mounting bi prayer,--when a people devote aul their time tew religion, superst.i.tion and bigotry are sure tew prevale.

[Ill.u.s.tration: Josh Billings makes a few miscellaneous remarks about "virtew and wisdom," before a literary a.s.sociation of the citizens of a neighboring town.--_See page 60._]

Man iz the only thing created with power tew laff; birds and flowers can almost dew it, and dogs would like tew. Mules smile with their heels.

Fun waz made fur the million, ethicks fur the few, and the man who kan invent a generous and healthy sauce tew enliven a dish ov biled greens with, iz a Christian. Fun may never have furnished a splendid dinner, but it has helped swaller menny a poor one.

"Six days shalt thou laber, and on the seventh rest,"--thare iz no laber in fun, and a Sunday newspaper does aul its work on Sat.u.r.day.

I had rather tend one wedding than a dozen funerals; and a birth, even if it aint ennything more than the hatching ov a duck's eg, iz alwus another suckcess.

Life iz short, and that iz one grate reason whi it ought alwus tew be cheerful, and i fully beleaf, that when Gabrel blows hiz horn, the first ones that will rise, will ware a smile on their faces.

Judas betrayed with a laff, and a kiss, but the fun ov the thing waz, he went oph and hung hisself.

He that kant laff iz tew be pityed, and him that wont laff iz tew be feared.

I am clean thru. This iz my maiden speech, and i will bet 10 dollars that i won't never run the risk ov doing it agin. Adew.

XVII.

BILLINGS ON PILLS.

P'OKEEPSIE, Jan. 1st, 1867.

DEAR DOKTER BONESETT:

Thru the politeness ov Mr. John Smith, i c.u.m in possession ov yure valuabel letter, at about 9 o'clock night before last, in which yu offer me 10 dollars for a poultiss.

I hay had a fair chance to use yure pills upon several important occasions, and can sware posatively that they kan beat enny pills ov their size i ever contended with.

Underneath this letter yu will find a poultiss which i think will draw.

If yu see fit to use it, yu kan emit the 10 dollars by mail, at our risk.

In the mean time, bet freely than i am yure humble servant,

JOSH BILLINGS.

POULTISS.