Josh Billings on Ice Part 4

The fear ov the law here, and the law hereafter, haz furnished us sum very clever specimens of Christianity.

Serpoze thare waz no law agin 2 wives, how menny men iz thare in yure naberhood, that wouldn't sustain the law?

I hav thought that aul the virtues, and aul the affekskuns, (except the few which are instinkts, and which we and the dogs have just about alike,) are mere opprashuns of polisy.

Ov course the virtews improve by hoeing, and mankind haz bek.u.m better, just az they hav bek.u.m richer, by keeping their munny and morals at 10 per cent. interest.

Menny folks are down on luxurys, and plum puddin, but i aint; the more puddin folks hav, the more they will develop.

Stop the hanker in human natur for any more plum puddin, and nu bonnets, and in about 450 years, men and wimmin would all go tew gra.s.s, az Nebucunesser did.

Once more, honesta and virtew, in the lump, are not natral, but matters ov polisy; i may be wrong about this, but if i am, enny boddy else kan git wrong the same way i hav, by asking himself about hiz own human natur.

Human natur iz the same aul over north amerika, except in those places whare they subsist by playing poker, and thare it depends a good deal upon the number of aces in a pack; i hav seen sum packs that had 9 aces in them, upon the principle that 5 aces will beat 4 aces and a king.

X.

GREAT AGRIKULTURAL HOSS-TROTT.

AT BILLINGSVILLE.

_Oct. 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, & 20th._

JOSH BILLINGS, REPORTER.

Agrikultur iz the mother ov provisions; she iz also the grandmother.

If it want for agricultur, thare wouldn't be enny beans, and if it want for enny beans, thare wouldn't be enny suckertash.

Agrikultur waz fust diskovered by Cain, and has been diskovered since to be an honest way to get a hard living.

Pumpkins owes aul her success tew agrikultur, so duz lettis, and bukwheat.

The Billingsville agrikultural society opened Oct. ten, and waz a powerful success.

The reciepts ov the Agrikultural Fair waz upwards ov $30,000 (if mi memry serves me rite, and i think she duz.)

The Hon. Virgil Bickerstaff, the next agrikultural member ov Congress from our district, sold the agrikultur pools.

FUST DAY.

A puss ov ten dollars was trotted for by sucking colts, that had never trotted before for munny.

Thare waz thirteen entries.

Thare waz 60,000 people on the track to witness the rase, (if mi memry serves me rite, and i think she duz.)

The puss was won amid vociferous exclamashuns by a red colt, and the waving ov handkerchiefs, with a strip in his face, and the fainting ov several fust-cla.s.s females, and one white foot behind.

SEKOND DAY.

It rained like a perpendikular aul day, and no trotting could be had, so the audience aul went hum, cussing and swaring, and offering tew bet four tew six on the Pete Tucker colt.

THIRD DAY.

The sun highsted up in the east more butyfuller than i ever saw her before, (if mi memry serves me rite, and i think she does.)

It waz a fust rate day for agrikultur, or enny other man.

A puss ov 30 dollars waz trotted for, by sum 2 year old colts.

This rase did not attract much affection, on account ov the time being so slow.

Time, 2 minnits and 38 seconds.

FOURTH DAY.

This waz fur 3 or 4 years old, who hadn't never beat 2.25.

Thare waz 26 entrys; they couldn't aul trot tew once, so they took turns.

This rase waz won after a bitter contest, by Pete Tucker's colt.

He waz immediately offered a thousand dollars and a fust-rate farm, well-stocked, for the colt, by three different agrikultural men, but with a grate deal ov indignant good sense, he skorned to stoop so low.

Pete Tucker, and his whole family, are aul hoss.

FIFTH DAY.

It rained agin like thunder and lightning, and the day waz spent in betting on the weight ov hosses.

Sevral good hoss-swops waz also did.

One man swopped two hosses fur one; this struck me as a devilish good thing, but everyboddy else said it waz soft.

At the end ov the fifth day i c.u.m away.

I got so full ov hoss, that ever since when i laff i kant keep from whinnering.