Josh Billings on Ice Part 21

7. If yu git desprait, and must marry, marry for ducats--marrying for blud or for luv iz too sloppy for a man ov spirits. Luv iz a low pashun, and iz designed for 2-story houses on one ov the back streets; not for a brown stun front.

8. Bi aul means learn to sware, chaw, and smoke freely, and don't ever mistake rain water for milk punch, unless yu want a soft thing.

9. Call religion a stock jobber's pidgeon to ketch flatts with; say that virtew iz only the galvanized impotence ov cowards; that wisdum iz but an egg that iz addled; laff at aul things that are sollum, and sware that Backus and Venus are the only two G.o.ds fit tew be worshiped.

Yung man, cultivate aul the abuv graces, and add tew them what the ardor of yure genius may inspire, and if the hoss jockeys and pimps generally don't say you are a cuss ov the brightest hue, and if the devil don't make you sum flattering proposals, the days ov chivalry are positively over, and pudding and milk haz got more glory into it than a brandy smash, a rum sour, or even a thomas and jerry.

Yung man, (a fu words with yu in private,) let theze cheerful remarks settle down into you when yu git tew reflekting at 12 o'clock sum rainy nite.

Don't make a phool of yureself by trieing tew jump 65 feet at one jump, and land among the Berhoys at onst, but examine yure bild clussly and see if yu ain't better konstrukted for sumthing honest.

But if yu find that yu must go tew dispair, then put on aul the steam yu kan carry, and either bust or git thare az soon az possibel.

P.S.--When yu git thare, and hav had enuff ov it, just drop me a line, and i will see what kan be did for yu. But don't forgit one thing--that the road back iz 3 times az fur, and aul the way up hill besides.

XLVII.

TAKE IT EAZY.

Yes, mi dear feller, do take it eazy.

Don't fret, don't foam; yu kant take thought an be an inch bigger; yu kant ketch lightning, however yu try; then do take it eazy.

If yu would be ritch, _only be good_, and then take it eazy.

If yure lady-love is coy, do take it eazy, for like a wild colt, by and by will she c.u.m and lay her hed in the halter.

Joys ever are fu, the evening ov yure daze may be long, and oil you will want for yure twilite lamp; then waste not in fury what will last yu till the wick burns out, if yu will only take it eazy.

If yu would see the pitfalls that Satan is digging, if yu would be more than a match for envy and malice, if yu would show no blind side for reproach, chew awl things well, and then take it eazy.

Take it eazy, and the snowflakes ov sorrow will melt az they fall; melankolly will laff when she meets yu, poverty's bundle will be light, and awl yure songs will hav a sweet chorus.

Take it eazy; natur don't fret; seedtime and harvest are a sure thing; the bud, then the leaf; the flower, then the fruit; the lilys don't fret; then, mi dear feller, do take it eazy.

Take it eazy, _only be good_, and az each nu milestun bi the side ov yure Jordan tells that the grate sity iz nearer, and not fur away, will yure hearte gro lighter, and yure faith gro stronger, airth will look less, and heaven will look bigger; yes, mi dear feller, do, do take it eazy.

XLVIII.

JOSH CORRESPONDS.

_Percy._--Did yu ever ride in the cars on a raw day, and have a mountaineer dive in from some cord wood station, and, taking a seat next in front ov yu, rush the window up, and half freeze yure liver out?

(If yu answer this question, don't fail tew say yes, or no.)

Didn't yu feel az tho yu would like to help to pitch the red-necked and tobacco-chawing curse out ov the windo?

(If yu answer this question, don't fail to say yes.)

But it iz no use tew plead with them; they must hav sum more north wind.

If yu should shut one ov these human refrigerators up in a 10-acre lot, and put the bars up tight, he would rave around till he tore down a pannel ov the fence, to let sum more fresh air into the lot.

When a half civilized humin critter wants enny thing, he wants it just az bad az a bear duz, and generally takes it in the same way.

_Bulwer._--Yu are right about it; the elektive telegraph iz verry kuriss. But did it ever ockur tew yu, in the solitude ov yure midnite hour, or when yu waz turning grindstone, or by the side ov the road, or the down hill ov life, or by the good old Moses, that the nerves waz the telegraff wires ov the humin boddy?

If this never haz ockured to yu, yure edikashun haz either bin tew mutch Latin, or else yu hav bin kept in a back lot, ware thare want mutch going on.

I tell yu that dispatches are flieing all the time from the 2 main offices, one ov which iz lokated in the hed, and the other of which iz in the stummuk.

The stummuk inquires, "When dinner will be reddy?" and iz told bi the branch offiss, at the noze, "in 20 minnitts."

The bigg toe learns from the operator at the stummuk offiss that "mock turtles and terrapins iz c.u.mming in fast, and that old Gout may be expekted in a fu daze."

The head inquires ov the noze, "What yu blowing about?"

Answer, "Wet feet."

The eyes wants tew kno ov the stummuk, "What they shall do to stop running?"

Stummuk growls back, "Dam yure ize!"

Head sees sudden stars, and feels the shock ov an arthquake; telegraffs awl over the boddy for an explanation; gits the following dispatch, after a while, from one of the lower offices: "Been down hard on the ice."

Friend Bulwer, in the remarks ov the poet, I hold "that we are truly and wonderfully made."

_Lager._--Yure inquiry iz eazily dispozed ov. Lager Beer iz not intoxikating. A man bi the name ov Laubenheimersmitt, who keeps a saloon, told me so. He sed he had one ov the little barrells in him at that time, and waz aktually suffering for a drouth. I think he iz a man who kan be depended upon, for he showed me a bolona sarsage, which he sed had bin in the family 67 years. It waz aul kivvered with wrinkles.

He sed it had a nu wrinkle each year, like a kow's horn. I asked him on what prinsipals the bolona sarsage waz bilt? he sed he couldn't tell me, that thare hadn't bin enny nu ones bilt for menny years, on account of the grate demand for hosses on the ca.n.a.l.

_Augustus._--Art haz improved natur, but whether sivilizashun haz improved moruls az mutch, I woodent like tu tell. Natur iz verry lucksuriant, and that iz what's the matter ov her. She iz like a punkin-vine, (grows without mercy,) and wood grow without punkins tew, but art kurbs the extravagunce, and makes the vines "sum punkins."

Moruls ain't lucksuryant; they woodent be haff a crop if it wan't for sivilization; but like other things that are forced, they are made tu yeald so mutch, that the tree soon runs tu follyage and tawp, and don't bair mutch plums. I don't think the wirld haz got enny sivilizashun tew spare, but i dew think she haz got more than she kan manige well. I beleave in sivilizashun terribley; i wood like tu see even bares and woolfs and wildkats sivilizyed; but if sivilizashun only makes their hare softer, and only makes them growl less lowder, but makes their teeth sharper and their klaws longer, i think i like the heethen bare, for a steddy playmait, full az well az i dew the Christian bare.

XLIX.