Jokes Book Collection Part Ii Part 55

HUMPTY DUMPTY Sat on a wall Humpty Dumpty had a great fall All the king's horses and all the king's men Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again.

HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE, The cat did a piddle, All over the bedside clock.

The little dog laughed to see such fun When it died of electric shock.

Super s.e.x.

A little old lady is going up and down the corridors in a nursing home.

As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say, "Super s.e.x! Super s.e.x!"

She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she again said, "Super s.e.x."

Stunned for a moment he sat silently looking at her. Finally answered...

"I'll take the soup, please."

Good job.

A guy goes to a recruitment agency in Glasgow and asks, "How you got any good jobs?"

"Sure," replies the interviewer, "I've got an excellent job working in a strip club. You'd have to help the girls undress and put on their costumes. You'd also have to oil them and stuff like that."

"Sounds great," says the guy.

"Fantastic, can you get to London's Soho by 9.00am tomorrow?"

"Why," asks the guy, "is that where the job is?"

"No, that's where the line starts."

News flash: Scientists say that in 2002 five times more money was spent on breast implants and v.i.a.g.r.a than on Alzheimer's research. If this trend continues, they say that by 2030 there will be an epidemic of people with huge b.r.e.a.s.t.s and erections that can't remember what to do with them.

p.e.n.i.s Types.

A young woman asks her mother, "How many kinds of p.e.n.i.s are there?"

Surprised the mother answers, "Well, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, a man's p.e.n.i.s is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree? Why like a Christmas tree?" the young woman asks.

"Because, it's dried up, and the b.a.l.l.s are only there for decoration."

Q: What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

A: Juan on Juan.

Q: Why is air a lot like s.e.x?

A: It's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A: b.r.e.a.s.t.s don't have eyes.

Q: Why do elephants have big ears?

A: Because Noddy won't pay the ransom.

The Wisdom of Confucius.

Man who let woman on top is f.u.c.king up.

Naked man fears no pickpocket.

Man who m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.e only s.c.r.e.w.i.n.g himself.

The hand that turneth the k.n.o.b opens the door.

Best way to prevent hangover is to stay drunk.

He who eats crackers in bed get crummy sleep.

He who chases cars will soon get exhausted.

Man who gets kicked in t.e.s.t.i.c.l.es left holding the bag.

Woman who fly airplane up side down, have crack up!

Man who take woman on camping trip have one intent.

Man with tool in woman's mouth, not necessarily a dentist.

Girl who marry detective must kiss d.i.c.k.

Foolish man gives wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.e over cash register soon come into money.

He who lives in gla.s.shouse dresses in bas.e.m.e.nt.

Man who pulls on woman's bra-strap may get bust in mouth.

Man who drop watch in toilet have s.h.i.tty time.

Husband: "Hi, where's yesterday's newspaper?"

Wife: "I used it to wrap up some rubbish and threw it out."

Husband: "O, I wanted to see that."

Wife: "There really wasn't much to see... Just a few tea bags and some orange peel."

Alternative definitions.

X-Mas, What happens when alien's go to church.

Xenophobe, Fear of Xena the Warrior Princess.

Zebra, Just after Y-bra, and cross your heart bra.

John: "When I was young doctor life was terrible. All I had to wear was hand-me-down clothes. Do you think my problems stem from that?"

Psychiatrist: "I doubt it. What's so terrible about hand-me-down?"

John: "I've only got is older sisters."

Mick: "Mack, did the wife have much to say about you coming home drunk last night?"

Mack: "Na, but that didn't stop her from talking for two hours at breakfast."

Mother: "Don't call your sister is stupid! Tell her you're sorry!"

Son: "OK I'm sorry you're stupid, Sis!"

Son: "Dad! Mum's just backed the car out of the garage and run my bicycle over!"

Dad: "Well that'll teach you not to leave it on the front lawn."

Lady: "I'd like a pair of alligator shoes please."

a.s.sistant: "OK. What size does your alligator take?"

Creditors have better memories than debtors.

If you want to remember, become a creditor.

Joe: "What kind of dog is that you've got?"

Bill: He's a pure blooded police dog."

Joe: "Wow, he doesn't don't look like a police dog!"