Jokes Book Collection Part Ii Part 52

A: Because he spends all day playing with pooh.

How to shower like a woman:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry basket according to whites and coloured. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror make mental note to do more sit ups.

Get in shower.

Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash hair once with cuc.u.mber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash hair again to make sure it is clean.

Condition hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil, leave on hair for 15 minutes.

Wash face with crushed apricot facial, scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower, spray mould spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

If you see husband along the way, cover any exposed areas.

How to shower like a man:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed.

Leave in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see wife along the way, shake k.n.o.b at her making woo hoo sound.

Look at manly physique in the mirror.

Admire size of your k.n.o.b and scratch your a.s.s.

Get in the shower.

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash you b.u.t.t leaving those coa.r.s.e hairs stuck on the soap.

Shampoo hair.

Make shampoo mohawk.

Pee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on floor.

Admire k.n.o.b size in mirror again.

Leave shower door open, leave wet mat on floor, leave light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pa.s.s wife, pull off towel, shake k.n.o.b at her and make woo hoo noise again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

Excerpts from letters sent to landlords...

1. "The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared."

2. "I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my k.n.o.b off."

3. "This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door."

4. "I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall."

5. "I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen."

6. "Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces."

7. "Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant."

8. "Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink."

9. "Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old page pensioner and need it straight away."

10. "When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy."

Marines.

During mail call at a Marine Corps boot camp, a guy receives several letters from home.

He gets so many letters that the drill instructor starts getting irritated at having to keep calling out the guy's name.

"You must have a lot of people at home who like you, huh?" barks the instructor.

"Sir, no, sir!" shouts the marine.

"Oh, so you're calling me a liar" goads the instructor.

Trained to think quickly on his feet the marine yells, "Sir, creditors, sir!"

Well the Instructor had to leave the room, so his trainees wouldn't see him laughing.

Q: Who is the biggest fish in the mafia?

A: The Cod father.

Alternative definitions.

Avoidance: I don't want to go to the dance.

Concourse: A golf course for criminals Optimist: Happy fog.

Pessimist: Sad fog.

Sandbar: Where beach b.u.ms get drunk.

Submit: Wet glove.

Subside: Side of the ocean.

Survey: Map making knight.

Flatulent: A property that that your mate is living it.

Amplitude: Loudspeaker with an att.i.tude.

Monsoon: A Caribbean teenage boy Appointment: The business end of an a.s.sa.s.sin's knife.

Approximate: A stand-in for a regular friend.

Coffee, a person who is coughed upon.

Flabbergasted, appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Abdicate, to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Esplanade, to attempt an explanation while drunk.

w.i.l.l.y-nilly, impotent.

Negligent, describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

Lymph, to walk with a lisp.

Gargoyle, an olive-flavoured mouthwash.

Flatulence, the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

Balderdash, a rapidly receding hairline.

t.e.s.t.i.c.l.e, a humorous question on an exam.