Jokes Book Collection Part Ii Part 49

Three vampires.

Three vampires walk into a bar and the waitress asks, "What'll it be boys?"

"I'll have a gla.s.s of O Positive," says the first vampire.

"AB Negative for me," says the second.

"I'm the designated driver," says the third, "So I'll just have a gla.s.s of plasma."

The waitress turns to the bartender and yells, "Gimme two bloods and one blood lite!"

Q: What did the sagging b.o.o.b say to her twin?

A: If we don't get some support soon, people are going to think we're nuts.

What a pain.

A guy goes to the doctor with a terrible pain in this b.u.m.

"No wonder," says the doc. "You've got a bunch of roses jammed up your a.r.s.e."

"Really?" says the excited patient. "Who does the card say they are from?"

Politically correct ways to say someone is stupid.

A few clowns short of a circus A few fries short of a Happy Meal A few beers short of six-pack A few peas short of a ca.s.serole The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead A few feathers short of a whole duck All foam, no beer Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear Too much yardage between the goalposts Leads the pack in nostril hair growth Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor Her antenna doesn't pick up all the channels No grain in the silo Receiver is off the hook He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down

My parts in trouble.

A young man walks into the doctor's office and in a painful voice says, "Doc, I need some help."

"What seems to be the trouble?" asks the doctor.

With that the man drops his pants and the Doc sees the man's bruised p.e.n.i.s "My G.o.d!" gasps the Doc "What happened to you?"

"Well," the man says, "A beautiful girl lives in the trailer across from mine. Every day, when her husband goes into town, she takes a hot dog from the fridge. The sticks the hot-dog in a crack in the floor and starts to m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.e with it. I figure that that's a waste of hot p.u.s.s.y. So I sneaked over and got under her trailer's floor. Went she put the hot dog in place I swiped it, and put my d.i.c.k in its place. Everything was going well for about ten minutes until the husband came home. He saw what she was doing and tried went to kick the hot dog under the stove!"

My Part.

A guy orders a part No. 669 from an electronics factory. But when he receives it he notices that they've sent part No. 699.

Furious, he promptly sends it back along with a letter asking for the right part.

A week later, he receives the same part back with a letter containing just four words, "TURN THE PART OVER."

Alternative definitions.

Circle: A knight that likes culling.

Circ.u.mspect: A knight who makes love in secret.

Fertile: Hairy floor covering.

Gentile: Peaceful floor covering.

Hostile: Aggressive floor covering.

Sirloin: Another s.e.xual knight.

Surface: Knight who is rather good looking.

Surmount: A Knight its best to keep in front of you.

Surpa.s.s: Another mountain knight.

Surplus: A Mathematical knight in the order of Algebra.

Surround: Fat knight.

Admit: Put on a glove.

Advent: We need more ventilation.

Congest: A group of prisoners having a laugh.

Conquest: A group of prisoners playing hide and seek.

Remit: Put on your glove back on again.

Request: To go on a second adventure.

Submit: Throw the glove in the ocean.

Summit: Add all the gloves together.

Caesarean section: A district in Rome.

Dilate: To live long.

Protein: In favour of young people.

Artery: The study of fine paintings.

Organic: Musical.

Negligent: what a transvest.i.te wears.

Transvest.i.te: When you get hypnotized to believe your three-piece suit is too small.

Hypnotized: a really cool person witnessed you sign something.

Fascinate: when you swallow a b.u.t.ton or a zipper.

Prefer: State of a very young kitten whose fur hasn't grown yet.

Defer: What grows on de cat.

Refer: To grow hair again.

The art of negotiation.

A chief negotiator is giving some advice. He tells his cla.s.s that, "When everybody in the negotiating process stop playing games with linguistics, the most progress is made."

A student asks, "What sort of games can you play with linguistics?"

"Ah," the teacher replies, "cunning linguistics of course."

Do as I say ...

An old blacksmith realized that he was soon going to quit work. So he picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice. The old fellow was crabby and exacting.

"Don't ask me a lot of questions," he told the boy. "Just do whatever I tell you to do."

One day the old blacksmith takes an iron out of the fire and laid it on the anvil.

"Get the hammer over here," he tells the boy. "When I nod my head, hit it real hard."

Which is why the town needs a new blacksmith.

News Flash: A number of Army Officers were killed today in an explosion. The explosion, which completely destroyed the officers Mess, was at the regimental barracks. A police spokesman said, "We believe are looking for a terrorist group that specialise in 'Weapon of Mess Destruction.'

Q: Do you know the difference between a strip tease artist and an acrobatic dancer?

A: An acrobatic dancer is a cunning stunt....

Defer it?