Jokes Book Collection Part Ii Part 39

Juggle Trek.

The leader of all female juggle expedition had this to say on return from her trip. "My team where under a lot of stress. When there's pressure in the bush, cracks begin to open."

Q: How to make German Black Forest Gateau cake?

A: start by occupying the kitchen.

It's Art honest!

A girl goes to a show at an art gallery. The first painting she sees is a huge canvas with black with yellow blobs of paint splattered over it.

The next painting is a murky grey colour and has drips of purple paint streaked across it.

The artist seeing her interest walks over and asks, "So what do you think?"

"Hum," says the girl, "I don't understand the meaning."

"There is no meaning," says the artist, "I paint what I feel inside."

"Right," says the girls, "May be you should try Alka Seltzer."

Three Priests fishing.

Three Priests are sitting in a fishing boat.

"I'm thirsty," says the first. "I'm going to go get myself a drink." So he steps out of the boat and walks across the water and returns with a bottle.

"That looks good," says the second priest as he gets of the boat. He walks across the water and comes back with a bottle.

"You're both right," says the third. "I'll get one too."

He steps out of the boat and sinks like a rock.

"Hum," says the first priest, "do you think we should have told him where the rocks are?"

Things you can't say at work, but would like to.

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of it.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to p.r.o.nounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

5. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

6. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

7. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

8. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

9. I have plenty of talent and vision, but I just don't care.

10. I'm visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

11. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

12. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

13. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

14. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?

15. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

16. And what's your cry baby whiny opinion?

17. Do I look like a people person?

18. This isn't an office. It's h.e.l.l with fluorescent lighting.

19. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.

20. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

21. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

22. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

23. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

24. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a pay cheque.

A close shave.

A guy goes into a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problem he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I've got just the thing," says the barber as he takes a small wooden ball from a drawer.

"Just place this between your cheek and your teeth."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever had.

"What would you have done if I'd swallowed it?" asked the man.

"No problem," says the barber. "You could just bring it back the next day like everyone else has."

Expensive Knickers.

A wife is trying to explain her purchase of some very expensive knickers to her husband.

"Lets face facts," she says, "You wouldn't expect to see fine perfume in a cheap bottle now would you?"

"True," says her husband, "But I wouldn't expect to find gift wrapping on a dead fish."

Me First!!

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an old oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie appears in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so you can have one each."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." In a Poof of smoke she's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal ma.s.seuse, an endless supply of drinks and the love of my life."

In a Poof of smoke he's gone.

"OK, you're turn," says the Genie. The manager replies, "I want those two back in the office after lunch!"

Moral of the story: Always let your boss get the first word in.

Doggie style s.e.x.

A couple are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary.

They're talking about old times and whether they've any regrets.

"Well," says the man, "There is one thing I wish we could have done together."

"What's that?" asks the wife.

"Well, I've always wanted to have s.e.x doggie style."

"You really want to do that?"

"Sure," replies the husband "Could we?"

"Well," says the wife, "I suppose so, but on two conditions. The first is that we do it in the dark, and the second is that we do it on a street where we don't know anyone!"

Son Of A Magician.

A school cla.s.s are writing projects on their families. Little John is having trouble with his so the teacher helps him with a few questions.