Jokes Book Collection Part Ii Part 28

Q: What do lawyers and bullfrogs have in common?

A: Both have a big head that consists mostly of mouth.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a tick?

A: A tick with stop sucking your blood when you die.

Q: How do you save a drowning lawyer?

A: Throw him a rock.

Q: How to tell when a lawyer is lying?

A: His lips are moving.

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?

A: Cut the rope.

Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?

A: Stick his bill up his a.s.s.

Q: What's the best way to save a marriage?

A: Get a divorce lawyer to quote a price!

Q: What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?

A: Hey! There are some things a pig just won't do!

Q: How do you stop an advancing Iraqi tank?

A: Shoot the guy who's pushing it.

Q: Why are there so many flower gardens in England's Tower of London?

A: Because the Tower of London is the home of the 'Bee Feeders.'

A woman had been married three times and was still a virgin. Her friend asked her how that could be possible.

"Well," she said. "The first time I married an octogenarian and he died before we could consummate the marriage."

"The second time I married a army officer, war broke out on our wedding day and he was killed."

"The third time, I married a computer help desk technician, and he'd sit on the edge of the bed and tell me, "I'll have it up in 30 minutes."

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.

"Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night."

"Have you tried counting sheep?" asks the Doc.

"Sure have," says the accountant, "and that's the problem. If I make a mistake I then spend hours trying to find it!"

Three engineering students were discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, "It had to be a mechanical engineer, look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it had to be an electrical engineer, the nervous system is just a marvel of millions of electrical connections."

The third said, "Actually, it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline right through a recreational area?"

Psychic phenomena.

A professor is lecturing his students on psychic phenomena. As part of the talk he gives details about a woman who contacts the police working on a missing-persons case. "She gives an amazingly detailed description of where to find the body," the professor says.

"In fact, the detectives find the body just as she's described it. Now who can tell me what that kind of person is called?"

While most of the students ponder the question a hand is quickly raised and a reply given, "Professor. A suspect!"

Four senior guys are golfing.

Four senior guys are playing golf.

"These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complains.

"Yea, and these fairways are getting longer too," says one of the others.

"The bunkers are a lot bigger than I remember them as well!" says the third senior.

After hearing his mates complaining, the oldest of the four in his seventies, pipes up and says, "Guys, just be thankful we're still on the right side of the gra.s.s!"

Making Babies.

An eight year old comes home from school and says to her mother, "Mum, Guess what?

We learned how to make babies today."

The mother, a little surprised, asks fearfully, "That's interesting and how do you make babies?"

"It's simple," replies the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'ies'."

Nice guy?

One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose.

Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice."

"Oh please, Mom," replied the daughter, "if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"

Did you hear about the two dyslexic bank robbers?

They walked into a bank and shouted, "Air in the hands mother stickers, this is a f.u.c.k up!"

Two rats are in a sewer. First turns to the second and says, "I hate eating this s.h.i.t." His mate replies, "Don't worry, we're on the p.i.s.s tonight."

Some Blonde soldiers have been seen with bags of sand and cement. A military spokesman has said that they are planning to launch a mortar attack.

A Bakers life.

A baker's job is a piece of cake. Of course if it's a special job he will rise to the occasion. It's the yeast he can do. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

But they stop making donuts when they get tired of the hole thing. In a bakery, buns usually play a small roll. But tell a baker his dough has fallen, and you'll get a rise out of him. To find out how the business is doing, look at the pie chart. Old bakers never die.

They just keep on making more dough.

A French woman walks into a bar with a duck under her arm. The bar man says "Hey, you can't bring that pig in here!" "Excuses me," says the French woman, "it's a duck!" The bar man says, "I was talking to the duck!"

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