Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 161

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

A man inserted an 'ad' in the cla.s.sifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Marriage Quotes.

"Marriage is a wonderful invention; but, then again, so is a bicycle repair kit." - Billy Conolly.

"A woman asked her husband to go to the video store and get 'Scent of a Woman'. Her husband came back with a 'Fish Called Wanda'."

"The phrase 'rule of thumb' is derived from and old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb."

"There's only two things about me that my wife doesn't care for: 1) everything I say, and 2) everything I do."

"Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don't ? Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed. Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator."

"Q: Why do men usually die before their wives ? Because they want to."

"A bachelor is a man who never makes the same mistake once."

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married ?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying".

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her ?" Dad: "That happens in every country, son."

"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

"Make love, not war. I'm married, I do both."

"Bigamy ? It's having one wife too much......Monogamy ? It's the same" - Oscar Wilde.

"Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds can get you shot."

"Life is a b.i.t.c.h, then you marry one."

"The most common form of marriage proposal: 'YOU'RE WHAT !?'"

"A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person." - Mignon McLaughlin.

"A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished." - Zsa Zsa Gabor.

"I think weddings are sadder than funerals, because they remind you of your own wedding. You can't be reminded of your own funeral because it hasn't happened. But weddings always make me cry." - Brendan Behan (1923-64) Irish playwright.

"Ah, yes, 'divorce'. From the Latin for 'having your genitals torn off through your wallet'." - Robin Williams.

"Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent."

"Three rings of marriage: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering."

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury." - George Burns.

"How do most men define marriage ? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free."

"The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once."

"Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that."

"If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books." - Alan King.

"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house." - Zsa Zsa Gabor.

"Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success." - Jim Backus.

"Where there is marriage without love, there will be love without marriage." - Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790) "Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest." - Professor Irwin Corey.

"Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up." - Evelyn Hendrickson.

"Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings and lawyers." - Richard Pryor.

"Marriage resembles a pair of shears, so joined that they cannot be separated; often moving in opposite directions, yet always punishing anyone who comes between them." - Sydney Smith.

"My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely." - Rodney Dangerfield.

"My wife was in labor with our first child for thirty-two hours and I was faithful to her the whole time." - Jonathan Katz.

"What food sucks 80% of the s.e.x drive from a woman ? The wedding cake."

"They say that 50% of all marriages end in divorce. That's not as bad as it sounds, considering that the other 50% end in death."

"I still miss my Ex, But my aim is getting better" - b.u.mper sticker.

Marriage is an inst.i.tution Marriage is love Love is blind Therefore: Marriage is an inst.i.tution for the blind I married Miss Right... Then i found out first name was 'Always'

Marriage is an inst.i.tution, but i'm not mad enough to be inst.i.tutionalized.

If you want to know what your wife/girlfriend will look like in 30 years time, just look at her mother

Masturbation.

a handy subject with many advantages. you don't have to look your best.

you never have to say "I love you"...promise to mow the lawn... buy flowers/dinner...lie about the size of your hand's a.r.s.e etc.

if you use your other hand it feels like someone else.

you can use both hands and have and orgy.

you don't have to promise to call in the morning.

and as long as you're careful you'll never end up with the wet spot.

you can make it last for hours, if you do it a certain way.

you can do it wherever there is a public toilet which has a private cubical (ie supermarket, shopping centre, railway station, on a train, etc, etc) you don't need to make an appointment in advance.

it doesn't really make you go blind, not unless your hand slides off the end and you poke yourself in the eye.

Men & Women II.

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman -- before marriage and after marriage.

A man will forget every word a woman says. A woman will remember every word a man didn't say.

Quotes.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station...

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me ... they were cramming for their finals.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?

Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Pica.s.so.