Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 160

PRINTER: A joke in poor taste. A printer consists of three main parts...the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.

PROGRAMMERS: Computer avengers. Once members of that group of high school nerds who wore tape on their gla.s.ses, played Dungeons and Dragons, and memorized Star Trek episodes; now millionaires who create "user-friendly" software to get revenge on whoever gave them noogies.

REFERENCE MANUAL: Object that raises the monitor to eye level. Also used to compensate for that short table leg.

SCHEDULED RELEASE DATE: A carefully calculated date determined by estimating the actual shipping date and subtracting six months from it.

USER-FRIENDLY: Of or pertaining to any feature, device or concept that makes perfect sense to a programmer.

USERS: Collective term for those who stare vacantly at a monitor.

Users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate and expert.

NOVICE USERS. People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer.

INTERMEDIATE USERS. People who don't know how to fix their computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it.

EXPERT USERS. People who break other people's computers.

Irritation, Aggravation & Frustration.

A boy asks his father to explain the differences among irritation, aggravation, and frustration.

Dad picks up the phone and dials a number at random. When the phone is answered he asks, "Can I speak to Roger, please?"

"No! There's no one called Roger here." The person hangs up.

"That's irritation," says Dad.

He picks up the phone again, dials the same number and asks for Roger a second time.

"No, there's no one here called Roger. Go away. Don't call again"

"That's aggravation."

"Then what's 'frustration'?" asks his son.

The father picks up the phone and dials a third time: "h.e.l.lo, this is Roger. Have I received any phone calls?"

Learn Chinese for Free.

English phrase Chinese Interpretation Are you harboring a fugitive?

Hu Yu Hai Ding?

See me A.S.A.P.

k.u.m Hia Nao Stupid ManDum Gai Small Horse Tai Ni Po Ni Your price is too high!

No Bai Dam Ting!!

Did you go to the beach?

Wai Yu So Tan?

I b.u.mped into a coffee table.

Ai Bang Mai Ni I think you need a facelift Chin Tu Fat It's very dark in here Wai So Dim?

Has your flight been delayed?

Hao Long Wei Ting?

That was an unauthorized execution.

Lin Ching I thought you were on a diet Wai Yu Mun Ching?

This is a tow away zone No Pah King Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena?

Wai Yu Sing Dum=20 You are not very bright Yu So Dum I got this for free Ai No Pei I am not guilty Wai Hang Mi?

Please, stay a while longer.

Wai Go Nao?

Our meeting was scheduled for next week Wai Yu k.u.m Nao They have arrived Hia Dei k.u.m Stay out of sight Lei Lo He's cleaning his automobile Wa Shing Ka Your body odor is offensive Hu Man Go!

Pew! does this bathroom stink!

Hu Flung Dung?

Man + Woman.

Smart Man + Smart Woman = Romance.

Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy.

Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Affair.

Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Marriage.

Smart Boss + Smart Employee = Profits.

Smart Boss + Dumb Employee = Production.

Dumb Boss + Smart Employee = Promotion.

Dumb Boss + Dumb Employee = Overtime.

A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item that she does not need.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must love him a little and understand him a lot.

To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate overnight.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting she won't change, but she does.

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Marriage Humor.

How do most men define marriage?

A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

At the c.o.c.ktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."