Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 155

The small white guy says, "Excuse me but what did you say?"

The big dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch d.i.c.k, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball. And my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Thank G.o.d, I thought you said 'Turn around.'"

Under the Table.

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant.

Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "Ohh no, My husband just walked in the door.

v.i.a.g.r.a 1 liner.

The difference between Niagara and v.i.a.g.r.a? Niagara Falls.

If a man overdoses on v.i.a.g.r.a, how do they get the casket lid shut?

Men taking iron supplements are warned that taking v.i.a.g.r.a may cause them to spin around and point north.

A man at the pharmacy to pick up his v.i.a.g.r.a prescription exclaimed over the $10/pill price. His wife, who was with him, had a different opinion: "Oh, $40 a year isn't too bad."

If the insurance companies are going to set guidelines before approving v.i.a.g.r.a coverage, what are they going to use? A growth chart?

Men are being warned not to take v.i.a.g.r.a with nitrates after five gentlemen in India did so and changed the balance of power in the region.

I dropped a v.i.a.g.r.a in a jar of small sweet pickles last night and this morning had a jar full of big Kosher dills.

How many doses of v.i.a.g.r.a does it take to change a light bulb? One little tablet, and it's a whole new bulb.

If you're depressed and think you might need v.i.a.g.r.a, see a professional. If that doesn't work, see a doctor!

If I give my computer monitor v.i.a.g.r.a, will the screen get bigger?

For years the medical professional has been looking after the ill, to make them better. Now, with v.i.a.g.r.a, they're raising the dead!

I would only take v.i.a.g.r.a for intellectual purposes, so my head would swell.

Before v.i.a.g.r.a, for some people, making love was cla.s.sified as "a.s.sault with a dead weapon."

v.i.a.g.r.a is now being compared to Disneyland - a one-hour wait for a 2-minute ride.

v.i.a.g.r.a Falls, the new waterfall that flows upward.

v.i.a.g.r.a, medicine's version of "MIRACLE-GRO."

Mix v.i.a.g.r.a and Prozac and you have a guy who is ready to go, but doesn't really care where.

Are you taking v.i.a.g.r.a or are you just happy to see me?

Rumor has it that when a truck carrying a load of v.i.a.g.r.a slid off into the Ohio River, all the lift bridges suddenly went up.

If however you do need to take v.i.a.g.r.a, remember to swallow them quickly otherwise you'll get a stiff neck.

A shipment of v.i.a.g.r.a was highjacked today. Police have put out an All-Points bulletin: Be on the lookout for two hardened criminals! They will face a stiff sentence when convicted and they'll surely be sent to a Penal Inst.i.tution.

A guy left his v.i.a.g.r.a tabled in his shirt pocket when he sent it to the laundry. Now, his shirt is too stiff to wear.

Did you hear about Levi's new jeans for Baby Boomer men?.... They come with just a "v.i.a.g.r.a" more room.

Newsweek's' comments on the trade name Microsoft(r) "Let's see... "Micro" and "Soft." Needs v.i.a.g.r.a!"

The v.i.a.g.r.a computer virus turns your floppy disk into a hard drive.

The v.i.a.g.r.a Super virus then sucks all your data off the hard drive.

For women not-in-the-mood, California bars now have v.i.a.g.r.a-free zones.

New plans are being made to raise the t.i.tanic. Experts plan to pump it full of v.i.a.g.r.a, and expect it to come right up.

Scientists developed the idea for v.i.a.g.r.a after studying President Clinton's DNA.

Even so, we're told that the funeral home industry is happy about v.i.a.g.r.a overdoses: Lots of new stiffs means an upswing in business.

We received the report today that it is no longer necessary to stake tomatoes. Just dissolve a v.i.a.g.r.a tablet in the water and they stand up straight and tall.

Q. What happens if you get the v.i.a.g.r.a pill stuck in your throat?

A. You get a stiff neck.

Q. What do you get when you mix v.i.a.g.r.a with rogaine?

A. Don King.

Dan Quail does not support v.i.a.g.r.a. Quote: "I've been using this stuff for a week and NOTHING! It's the worst suppository I've ever used."

Have you tried the new hot beverage, v.i.a.g.r.accino? One cup and you're up all night.

v.i.a.g.r.a Shorts.

A man goes to the pharmacy to pick up his v.i.a.g.r.a prescription and carries on over the $10/pill price. His wife, who was with him, had a different opinion: "Oh, $40 a year isn't too bad.

Did you hear about the first death from an overdose of v.i.a.g.r.a? A man took twelve pills and his wife died.

Dan Quayle does not support v.i.a.g.r.a. Quote: "I've been using this stuff for a week and NOTHING! It's the worst suppository I've ever used."

Men taking iron supplements are warned that taking v.i.a.g.r.a may cause them to spin around and point north.

Mix v.i.a.g.r.a and Prozac and you have a guy who is ready to go, but doesn't really care where.

Pfizer invented a pill for women in answer to v.i.a.g.r.a. One hour after a woman takes the pill she gets a headache.

There was the pensioner who ended up in hospital after reading the instructions on the v.i.a.g.r.a container, "screw in an anti-clockwise direction"

Unconfirmed rumors on Wall Street have it that Bill Gates has made a tender offer for all shares of Pfizer. He wants to do a spin-off and name it MicroHard!

Ways to be Annoying in a Drive Thru.

Stand close to the speaker and yell your order, using colorful expletives in ways that would embarra.s.s the patrons inside.

Drive through backwards.

Belch your order.

After ordering, cover the speaker and mic with transparent tape. Watch as customers and order-takers are unable to hear each other and, thus, each raises his/her volume.

Barter. Offer a Whopper for a Big Mac.

Walk through.

Speak a foreign language (make one up if you have to). When the manager comes to the mic, speak English and inquire as to why the order taker had such difficulty understanding you.

Repeat everything the order-taker says.

Attempt to take the order-takers order ("Hi, may I take your order?") before they get a chance to take yours.

Order confusing items, i.e., "Hi, I'll have a large orange c.o.ke and a small medium fries, please".

In a crowded drive-thru line, place a HUGE order, then slip out of line and watch the fun as the person behind you is handed 40 bags of food.

When you arrive at the window to pick up your food, hand them several bags of garbage & ask if they'll dispose of it for you. Make sure it smells.

Drive through with a carload of naked people.

Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker will think there is a problem with the speaker and ask you to order at the window. When you arrive at the window, speak in the same garbled, incomprehensible fashion.

Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food.

Bring along a Mr. Microphone. When the order-taker speaks, aim the mic at their speaker but do so while aiming the Mr. Microphone speaker at the mic to produce excruciating feedback of their own voice.

One word: Flatulence!

Have a friend hide in the trunk. When you approach the window to pickup your order, have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk.

If you are a male, have a female friend place the order by speaking VERY seductively and suggestively into the speaker. When she finishes, have her hide and pull up to accept your order. See how many of the order-takers fellow employees have been called over to the window to "check out the babe".