Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 152

I once had a friend, John, who worked in the coal mines.

Unfortunately, he was killed in a freak accident when some movers lost their grip on a grand piano they were transporting; the piano fell down the mineshaft and crushed John to death.

A local composer wrote an orchestral piece in memory of Joe: It was called "Symphony in A Flat Miner."

Pig Toes.

In a small town, farmers of the community had gotten together to discuss some important issues. About midway through the meeting, a wife of one of the farmers stood up and spoke her piece.

One of the old farmers stood up and said, "What does she know about anything? I would like to ask her if she knows how many toes a pig has?"

Quick as a flash, the woman replied, "Take off your boots sir, and count them yourself!"

Plane Crash Survivor.

A search and rescue team had been a.s.sembled and sent on a mission to find an airplane that had crashed on top of a mountain. It was their duty to rescue any survivors. After finally reaching the top of the mountain, they came upon the crash site.

At the site, one lone survivor sat with his back against a tree, chewing on a bone. As he tossed the bone onto a huge pile of other bones, he noticed the rescue team. "Thank G.o.d", he cried out in relief. "I am saved!"

The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock, seeing the pile of human bones beside this lone survivor. Obviously he had eaten all of his comrades.

The Survivor saw the horror in their faces and hung his own head in shame. "You can't judge me for this," he insisted. "I had to survive. Is it so wrong to want to live?"

The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his head in disbelief. "I won't judge you for doing what was necessary to survive, but my G.o.d man.... your plane only went down yesterday !!"

Plot for Sale.

A sweet girl of seventeen is very eager to offer a small lovely "TRIANGULAR PLOT" for sale. The plot is centrally located on the slope of the lower area but not observed or explored by anybody till date.

For the last Seventeen years the plot was being tenderly cared and looked after by the girl herself. The plot is fertile and can bear best result even in the first planting. For the last four years the plot is covered with shiny black curly gra.s.s which is very tender to touch. No machine has yet been used for tr.i.m.m.i.n.g the gra.s.s which has now covered the wild area.

Another thing, which adds beauty of the plot, is the fantastic pond hidden under it.

Offers are immediately invited from young men with firm and energetic capital which can be put in easily and this must give out flowing white liquid capital.

The young man should be strong enough to plough in hard with his own tool. Although initially it will be hard and a bit difficult to cut open the gate seal. Once the capital is put in the entrance, he will not repent, and will be delighted to have ventured into the site.

Since the neighbors are waiting for an opportunity to pounce on this marvelous plot, make haste to be first to enter into the site.

Yet another fact to be disclosed regarding the site is that the "DOUBLE HILLS" on the top of the said plot are already captured by the local students. Anyhow, they are not permitted to go down.

Offers for lease or retail will not be accepted.

NB : ENTRANCE FROM THE BACK GATE STRICTLY PROHIBITED.

Remained Good Friends.

The couple had split-up a few months ago, but still remained good friends, which worked out pretty good, since they lived in the same apartment building. The man slipped on the ice and broke his arm. He met his ex-girlfriend in the elevator and she asked if there was anything she could do to help.

He said, "Well, if it's not too much trouble, could you help me take a bath ?"

She readily agreed and soon was washing him when she saw a gradual erection begin to appear. "Now isn't that sweet," she cooed. "Look Henry, it still recognizes me."

Smuggling Sands.

A fellow tries to cross the Mexican border on a bicycle with two big bags balanced on his shoulders. The guard asks, "What's in the bags?"

The fellow says, "SAND!"

The guard wants to examine them. The fellow gets off the bike, places the bags on the ground, opens them up, and the guard inspects...only to find sand.

The fellow packs the sand, places the bags on his shoulders, and pedals the bike across the border.

Two weeks later, the same situation is repeated.... "What have you there?" "Sand" "We want to examine." Same results...nothing but sand and the fellow is on his way again.

Every two weeks for six months the inspections continue.

Finally, one week the fellow didn't show up. However, the guard sees him downtown and says to the fellow, "Buddy, you had us crazy. We sort of knew you were smuggling something. I won't say anything ..what were you smuggling?"

The fellow says, "Bicycles."

Sperm Bank Donor.

A man desperate for money decides to go to the local blood bank where he will be paid $10 for a pint of blood.

At the blood bank he notices that there are two lines, one of which is twice as long as the other. He does some checking and finds out that the longer line is for the sperm bank next door and they're getting paid $15. Of course he chooses the longer line.

After waiting in line for a few minutes he notices a woman standing in the same line.

"Excuse me", he says "but aren't you in the wrong line lady?"

The woman turns to him and, while pointing at her mouth and shaking her head to mean no, says "mmmm, mmmmm, mmmm, mmmmm, mmmmm!"

Sperm Named Stanley.

Once upon a time, there was a sperm named Stanley who lived with many thousands of other little sperm. But Stanley was different.

Everyday, he would limber himself up and exercise vigorously while the other sperms just sat around doing nothing.

One day, a fellow sperm came up to Stanley and asked, "Hey Stan, why do you keep working out like this?" To which Stanley replied, "You know Clyde, It only takes one sperm to get a female pregnant, and seeing how there's thousands of us, and only one egg, Well, when that special day comes, I'm gonna be that sperm!"

Not long afterwards, Stan and his friends felt the onrush of excitement as they prepared to be released to perform their great mission in life, and sure enough, at the moment of climax, there was Stanley, fit as a fiddle swimming way ahead of the pack!

Suddenly, Stanley turned around all of a sudden and started swimming back as fast as he could! As he pa.s.sed the other fellas, Stanley screamed, "IT'S A b.l.o.w.j.o.b! IT'S A b.l.o.w.j.o.b!!!"

Square b.a.l.l.s.

A little old lady entered the main branch of a large downtown bank with a large grocery bag in her arms. She told the teller that she wanted to open an account to make a substantial deposit, in excess of $200,000. Further, she said that since such a large sum was involved, she would deal only with the president of the bank to make the necessary arrangements.

The teller looked in the bag and confirmed that it was, in fact, full of cash. He called upstairs and explained the situation to the bank president, who agreed to see the woman. The teller escorted her to the presidents office, and the president invited her to have a seat, which she accepted.