Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 133

The old man moans and replies, "Yes..... Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"

A Good Y2K Bug.

>From: Automated Payroll Processing Dept.

>Date: January 1, 2000 >Subject: Vacation Pay Dear Valued Employee: Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the past 100 year(s). As I'm sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off. One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service. Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and your next pay check will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22 which will include all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months

Batteries not Included.

A man named Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger comes up behind him and asks Have you got the time?

Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and turns around. After glancing at his wrist he says it's about a quarter to six.

Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch, exclaims the stranger. Jake brightens a little. Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out, and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropoli. He hits a few b.u.t.tons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven 'til six" in a very West Texas accent. A few more b.u.t.tons and the same voice says something in j.a.panese. Jake continues I've put in regional accents for each city.

The display is unbelievably high quality for a mere watch, and the voice is simply astounding - smooth and perfectly audible, without the tinny sound you might expect from a speaker that could fit on a watch. The stranger is struck dumb with admiration.

That's not all, says Jake. He pushes a few more b.u.t.tons it has more than a dozen and a tiny but very high resolution map of New York City appears on the display. If we were outside, Jake says apologetically, it could show you where we were by satellite positioning, but under this roof all it can do is remember my last position and a map of the surrounding area. View recede ten, he adds to the watch, and the display changes to show eastern New York state.

It responds to voice? gasps the stranger, and Jake nods enthusiastically. But I haven't got it all programmed yet, most of the functions are still b.u.t.ton-activated.

I want to buy that watch, says the stranger. Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs, says the inventor. But look at this: and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters as well as trigger the stopwatch function for close racing finishes, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all to the now drooling listener, has capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard size books, though I only have 32 of my favourites in there so far, says Jake. He starts up The Moon is a Harsh Mistress, by Robert Heinlein, and although the stranger has never heard of either he can still hear those amazing un-tinny voices coming out of the normal-sized watch on Jake's wrist.

I've got to have that watch, he says.

No, you don't understand; it's not ready I'll give you $1000 for it.

Oh, no, I've already spent more than $8000.

I'll give you $10000 for it.

But it's just not done.

I'll give you $15000 for it. And the stranger pulls out a chequebook. I've just *got* to have that watch.

But.... Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he could make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only another half a year. $15000?

The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now.

Jake abruptly makes his decision. Ok, he says, and peels off the watch. They make the exchange, the check for the watch, and the stranger starts happily away.

Hey, wait a minute, calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily. Jake indicates the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station. Don't you want the batteries?

Cadillac DeVIlle.

A man and his wife were driving on their way across the United States.

Looking at the fuel gauge, the man decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a filling station and pulls up to the pump.

"What can I do for ya'll?" asks the attendant.

"Fill 'er up with high test," replies the driver.

While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down.

"What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before."

"Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "this here, my boy, is a 1999 Cadillac DeVille."

"What all's it got in it?" asks the attendant.

"It has _everything", says the driver proudly, "It's loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 disk CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine."

"Wow," says the attendant, "that's really something!"

"How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver.

"That'll be $30.17," says the attendant.

The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees.

"What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant.

"I put my b.a.l.l.s on these when I drive," says the man.

"Wow," says the attendant, "those Cadillac people think of everything!"

Calling Technical Support.

Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...

Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...

Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...

Ring... Ring...

Thank you for calling Technical Support. All of our technicians are currently busy helping people who are even less competent than you, so please hold for the next available technician. The waiting time is now estimated at between fifteen minutes and eternity.

In order to expedite your call, please punch your 58-digit product identification number on to your telephone, followed by your product serial number, which can be found in a secret compartment inside your computer where, for security purposes, it is printed in the smallest typeface possible to prevent being seen. Please note that you made need a size 11 3/4 torx screwdriver which may only be available from your original equipment manufacturer.

Do that NOW!

Thank you again for calling Technical Support. We recommend that you sit at your computer, preferably turning it on at some point, and have at hand all your floppy disks, CD-ROM disks, computer manuals and original packing materials in order to allow the technician to aid you in the unlikely event that he ever gets to your call.

If you were an inconsiderate jerk -- we mean forgetful customer -- and threw away your original packing materials, please call the company that sent you the computer and ask them to re-send you the empty box with the plastic bubbles, fake popcorn and the wasted paper advertising that they recycle. We will hold your place in line on the phone while you wait for your boxes to be delivered. (yeah right !) ...

It would also be helpful for you to refrain from sobbing while explaining your problem to the technician. Shouting obscene threats will cause you to be immediately disconnected and blackballed from further communication with Technical Support, not only from ours but that of every other electronics-related firm in the industrialized world. (we all talk you know)...

Thank you once again for calling Technical Support. In order to enable us to better a.s.sist you, it would be helpful to know more about you and your equipment. Have you called Technical Support before? If you have, please press the numeral "one" on your telephone touch pad. If not, press the numeral "two." If you are not sure, using the letters on your touch pad, spell out the phrase: "I am confused and despondent and quickly losing the will to live." Once you have finished, hang up your phone and make arrangements to sell your computer because by the time the technician takes your call, it will be obsolete, and you will be too senile to use it anyway.

Thank you for calling Technical Support. Unfortunately, all of our technicians just went out for lunch. This means that to the estimated waiting time we gave you earlier, you may now add at least another two hours.

Thank you for calling Technical Support. Before talking to the technician about your problem and risking the possibility that you may be wasting his valuable time, please ask yourself the following questions:

1. If my monitor screen is dark, is it possible I have forgotten to plug in my computer?

2. Have I exhausted every possible means of help before utilizing the sacred, last-resort-only telephone option?

3. Have I sent a fax to Fast Fax Technical Support?

4. Have I consulted my manual?

5. Have I read the Read-Me notice on the floppy disk?

6. Have I called up my know-it-all geek cousin who I can't stand but who can probably fix this thing for me in under five minutes?

7. Have I given the central processing unit of my computer a good, solid whack?

If you can not honestly answer "yes" to all these questions, please get off the line immediately so that our overworked technicians can help those truly desperate customers whose suffering is so much greater than yours. You must be really be so bored that you have to call technical support just to have someone to speak to about geek stuff.

Thank you for calling Technical Support. You may not be aware that this week we are featuring a discount on a number of popular CD-ROM t.i.tles you may wish to purchase, such as the best-selling p.o.r.n Doubler, which allows you to access erotic material from the Internet twice as fast. If you would like to hear all 26,000 t.i.tles read to you, shout "Yes! Yes! Yes!" into the telephone now. This will not cause you to lose your place in line for Technical Support; in fact it may jump you ahead of several other callers.

Thank you for calling Technical Support. Our System has been overloaded, and unfortunately you have lost your place in line. Please push "one" if you would like to be connected again to technical Support Thank you for calling Technical Support. Our electronic sensors indicate that you are about to slump over and die from a ma.s.sive frustration attack combined with severe dehydration from lack of food and water. Before doing so, please take a moment to place your telephone receiver back in its base and switch off your computer so as not to wear down its internal battery.

As a non-living person, you will have no further need of Technical Support and so we regretfully must remove you from our list of registered product users.

Remember, we valued your patronage and were happy to serve your needs. Do not -hesitate to have your heirs or beneficiaries contact us should any further technical problems arise.

Cell Phones.

An American, a German and a j.a.panese guy are golfing one day and, at the 3rd hole, they hear a phone ring.