Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 130

"You have to see what we just got in", he said, "It's the latest thing out". With that he took out a package from under the counter and raised the lid showing the customer a strange looking object.

"What's that?", asked the customer.

"It's a mechanical p.u.s.s.y", replied the clerk.

"What on earth is it supposed to do?", asked the customer.

The clerk unwound the electrical cord and inserted it into the floor outlet, whereupon the "thing" began to make all sorts of exotic undulating motions.

The customer was fascinated. "I have to have one of those!", he said.

"All right, sir, shall I wrap it for you?", asked the clerk.

"Oh no, that's all right", replied the customer, "I'll just eat it here".

Milk Bath.

A lady went into the grocery and asked for fifty gallons of milk.

The clerk, amazed, asked her what she was going to do with that much milk.

"I have a skin problem and the Doctor prescribed a milk bath."

The clerk asked, "Pasteurised?"

She replied, ... "No just up to my chin."

No Name Toilet Paper.

A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper.

"Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?"

"Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a baby's kiss. It's $1.50 per roll." He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll." Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll."

"Give me the No Name," she says.

She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says, "Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne."

"Why," he asks.

"Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take s.h.i.t off anybody!"

Proof Before Selling.

A little old lady moves to a new town and goes to her local grocery store to buy some cat food. She picks up 3 cans and takes them to the check-out counter. The girl at the cash register says, "I'm sorry but we can't sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. Lots of older people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the food for a real cat."

The little old lady doesn't like it, but she goes home and brings her cat back to the store. They sell her the cat food.

The next day she goes in to buy 3 cans of dog food. Again the cashier demands proof that she has a dog, because old people sometimes eat dog food.

She angrily goes home to get her dog. When she brings him back, she gets her dog food.

The next day she comes into the store carrying a box with a hole in the lid. When she asks the cashier to stick her finger in the hole.

The cashier refuses. "No, you might have a snake in there!"

The old lady insists, telling her that there's nothing alive in the box.

So the cashier puts her finger in the box and feels something odd. She pulls her finger out and says, "Eww, that smells like s.h.i.t!"

The little old lady says, "It is. Now can I buy 3 rolls of toilet paper?"

The Suit.

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.

"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"

"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked.

"That's the one!"

That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?"

"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."

v.i.a.g.r.a Extra Strength.

A guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once, and I need something to keep me h.o.r.n.y...keep me potent."

The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label "v.i.a.g.r.a Extra Strength" and says, "Here, if you eat this, you'll go nuts for twelve hours." The guy says, "Gimme three boxes."

The next day the guy walks into the same pharmacy goes up to the pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's jewels are black and blue, and the skin is hanging off in some places.

The man says, "Gimme a bottle of Ben Gay." The pharmacist replies, "Ben Gay? You're not going to put Ben Gay on that are you?"

The man says, "No, it's for my arms, the girls never showed up."

Bedtime Footbal Score.

A guy comes home drunk one night at 3 in the morning. His wife is sleeping and he is trying to sneak into bed. He's laying in bed for a few minutes and cuts a fart.

His wife wakes up and asks "what the h.e.l.l was that?"

He replies "goal, i am winning 1-0!"

She thinks to herself "I am gonna fix him", then lets one loose.

He yells at her "what was that?"

She replies "goal, score is tied!"

Now he thinks "I am gonna fix her." He's laying there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard that he s.h.i.ts the bed.

The wife asks "now what the h.e.l.l was that?"

He replied "halftime, switch sides!"

Football Players.

A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play." The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks, "Okay, now concentrate... what is two plus two?"