Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 106

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's 'the' night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."

The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying with his head down for several minutes after everyone starts eating.

The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."

He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

Physical Therapist.

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Sat.u.r.day morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to ma.s.sage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?" To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like h.e.l.l."

Professional Failure.

A very well-built, young, blonde lady was lying on her psychiatrist's couch, telling him how frustrated she was.

"I tried to be an actress and failed," she complained. "I tried to be a secretary and failed; I tried being a writer and failed; then I tried being a sales clerk and I failed at that, too."

The shrink thought for a moment and said, "Everyone needs to live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?"

The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful b.r.e.a.s.t.s, points it at the shrink, and says, "Well, go ahead. I'll give it a try!"

Realty Salesman.

A realty salesman had just closed his first deal, only to discover that the piece of land he had sold was completely under water.

"That customer's going to come back here pretty mad," he said to his boss. "Should I give him his money back?"

"Money back?" roared the boss. "What kind of salesman are you? Get out there and sell him a houseboat."

Salesman.

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the area--you could get anything there.

The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?" "Yes, I was a salesman in the country," said the lad.

The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up." The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss arrived and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"

"One", said the young salesman.

"Only one?" blurted the boss. "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sales worth?"

"Thirty-eight thousand, three hundred and thirty-four dollars," said the young man.

"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.

"Well" said the salesman, "This man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I say he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty-foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him a new SUV."

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"

"No", answered the salesman. Actually, he came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said to him, "Your weekends shot, you may as well go fishing."

Selling Apples.

A woman selling apples in New York is puzzled by a man who always comes by, pays a quarter, but never picks up an apple. This goes on for some time until, one day, the woman runs after the man as he walks away.

'I know why you are chasing after me... you want to know why I always pay a quarter but never take an apple,' the man says.

The woman replies: 'No, I wanted to tell you that the price has just gone up'.

Special High Intensity Training.

In order to a.s.sure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from our employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our one program of special high intensity training. (S.H.I.T.) We are striving to give our employees more S.H.I.T. than any other company. If you feel that you do not receive your fair share of S.H.I.T., please see your manager. you will immediately be placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list. Our managers are especially skilled in seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle. Employees who don't take S.H.I.T. will be placed in the Department of Employee Evaluation Program. (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T.) Those who fail to take S.H.I.T. will have to go to Employees Att.i.tude Training. (E.A.T.S.H.I.T.) Since our managers took. S.H.I.T. They dont have to do S.H.I.T. any more because they are full of S.H.I.T. already. If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be qualified to train others. We can add your name to our Basic Understanding Lecture List(B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T. will get S.H.I.T. jobs and can apply for a Promotion to Director of Intensity Programming(D.I.P.S.H.I.T) If you have any questions, please direct them to our Head Of Training(H.O.T S.H.I.T.) Thank you, Boss in General.

(B.I.G.S.H.I.T).

Social Worker.

A 16 year old client of a social worker informed the worker that she was going to be married.

The worker gave her several pamphlets on how to stay healthy and the virtues of not having children for a few years.

The social worker returned to visit her a year later. She found the girl had twin girls. She asked the girl if she had read the pamphlets and the girl said yes. Worker said then they didn't do you any good. Girl said "Oh, sure they did, we found names for the twins in them, Syphilis and Gonorrhea."

Software Engineers.

At a recent software engineering course, the partic.i.p.ants were given an awkward question to answer. "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark immediately?"

Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard.

"With my team's software," he said, "the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off."