Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 103

Counterfeit Bills.

A big-city counterfeiter decided the best place to pa.s.s off his phony $18 bills would be in some small hick Texas town.

So, he got into his new wheels and off he went.

He found a tiny town with a single store. He entered the store and handed one of the bogus bills to the man behind the counter. "Can you change this for me, please?" he said.

The store clerk looked at the $18 bill a short time, then smiled and told the man, "Ah reckon so, Mister. Ya want 2 nines or 3 sixes?"

Dog Killer.

Two boys are playing football in a Saint Paul, MN park when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.

A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. The reporter starts writing "Young Vikings' Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal."

The boy replies, "I'm not a Vikings fan."

Sorry, since we are in Saint Paul I just a.s.sumed you were," said the reporter and starts again. "Little Green Bay Packers' Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he continued writing in his notebook.

"I'm not a Packers Fan either," said the boy.

"I a.s.sumed everyone in the Twin Cities was either for the Vikings or Packers. What team do you root for?" the reporter asked.

"I'm a Cowboys fan." The boy replied.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Redneck b.a.s.t.a.r.d Kills Beloved Family Pet."

Early Retirement.

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of the younger people who represent our future.

Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. Provided they are SLAPPED, they can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the operation is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).

All employees who have been SLAPPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with the upper management. This is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedures, he/she will be ent.i.tled to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum a.s.sistance Payment) unless he/she already has AIDS (Additional Income From Dependents or Spouse). As HERPES or CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to a.s.sure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy to train employees through our Special High Intensity Training (s.h.i.t). This company takes pride in the amount of s.h.i.t our employees receive. We have given our employees more s.h.i.t than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough s.h.i.t on the job, see your immediate supervisor. YOUR SUPERVISOR IS SPECIALLY TRAINED TO MAKE SURE YOU RECEIVE ALL THE s.h.i.t YOU CAN STAND.

Fastest Thing in the World.

There were four people who were in the final stages of interviewing for a prestigious job. One was Christian, one was Catholic, one was a Buddhist and the forth was Jewish.

The company decided to fly them all in for dinner and a final interview.

Over dinner at a fine restaurant, the president of the company told them that all were very worthy applicants, and that he wished he could hire them all, but that they only had enough money budgeted to hire one person. He told them that he would call each of them in one at a time for a final interview the next day, and that he would ask each one of them the same question. Whoever answered the question the best would be the one hired. All applicants agreed that this was fair.

The next day the first applicant, the Christian, was called in. The president posed the question, "What is the fastest thing in the world?"

He thought for a moment and replied, "That would have to be a thought."

"Why do you say that?" asked the president.

"Well, a thought takes no time at all...it is in your mind in an instant, then gone again."

"Ahh, very good. Thank you," replied the president.

Next the same question was posed to the Catholic woman. "What is the fastest thing in the world?"

She paused and replied, "That would have to be a blink."

"Why?" asked the president.

"Because you don't even think about a blink, it's just a reflex. You do it in an instant."

The president thanked her, then called in the next person.

The Buddhist was asked what the fastest thing in the world was, and after hesitating for a brief moment, he replied, "I would have to say electricity.

Why?

Because a man can flip a switch, and immediately, three miles away a light will go on."

"I see, very good," replied the president.

Then, the Jewish man was called in.

He, too, was asked, "What is the fastest thing in the world?"

"That's easy..." he replied, "that would have to be diarrhoea!"

Rather stunned, the president asked, "Why do you say that?"

"Well, last night after dinner, I was lying in my bed and I got the worst stomach cramps... ..and before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHTS.....

(He got the job....).

Free Bus to Hotel Astor.

The hotel Astor had hired a new bus driver and instructed him to meet all incoming trains and announce at the depot in a very loud voice, "Free bus to the hotel Astor!" On the way to the station on his first trip he kept repeating to himself, "Free bus to the hotel Astor, Free bus to the hotel Astor," until he memorized it letter perfect.

Upon his arrival at the station, however, he became confused at all the noise and hub bub and started shouting as follows. "Free hotel at the bust your Astor, I mean, Free a.s.s at the Hotel b.a.s.t.a.r.d, I mean, Freeze your a.s.s at the Hotel Buster, I mean Squeeze your bust at the Hotel Faster, I mean, Bust your a.s.s at the Hotel Freezer, Oh s.h.i.t...take a cab."

French Maid.

A rich Beverly Hills lady got very angry at her French maid. After a long list of stinging remarks about her shortcomings as a cook and housekeeper, she dismissed the maid.

The maid, with her Gallic ancestry, couldn't allow such abuse to go unanswered. "Your husband concedes me a better housekeeper and cook than you, Madam. He has told me himself."

The rich b.i.t.c.h just scowled and said nothing.

"And furthermore," the angry girl continued, "I am better in bed than you!"

"And I suppose my husband told you that, too?"

"No, Madam," said he maid. "The chauffeur told me that!"

Guillotine.

During the French revolution, hundreds of people were guillotined. One day, three men were led up to die. One was a lawyer, one was a doctor, and the third was an engineer.

The lawyer was to die first. He was led to the guillotine, the attending priest blessed him, and he knelt with his head on the guillotine. The blade was released, but stopped halfway down its path. The priest, seeing an opportunity, quickly said, "Gentlemen, G.o.d has spoken and said this man is to be spared; we cannot kill him." The executioner agreed, and the lawyer was set free.

The doctor was next. He was blessed by the priest, then knelt and placed his head down. The blade was released, and again stopped halfway down. Again the priest intervened: "Gentlemen, G.o.d has again spoken; we cannot kill this man." The executioner agreed and the doctor was set free.

At last it was the engineer's turn. He was blessed by the priest, and knelt, but before he placed his head on the guillotine he looked up. Suddenly, he leapt to his feet and cried, "Oh, I see the problem!"