Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 84

Next morning at 6am, the groom phones down to room service. "Hi, could I get some breakfast brought up here?"

"Sure, what would you like?" asks room service. The groom says, "Well, I have to replace all the energy I lost last night so you'd better get me 6 fried eggs, 9 sausages, 12 slices of toast and 6 liters of orange juice!"

Room service replies, "Gee, that's quite an appet.i.te you got there. Is that for your wife as well, or just for you?"

"No, that's just for me. Can you send up six pieces of lettuce for my wife as well?"

Room service asks, "Why six pieces of lettuce?"

The groom replies, "I have to see if she can eat like a rabbit as well!!"

Can't Get Into.

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night.

As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "here put these on."

She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said.

"That's right!!" said the husband, "and don't you forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!"

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. He said, "h.e.l.l, I can't get into your panties!"

She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until you change your att.i.tude..."

Confession Before Marriage.

On their way to Vegas to get married, a wife-to-be confesses to her guy that the reason they have not been too intimate is because she is very flat-chested. If the guy wishes to cancel the wedding, it is OK with her.

The guy thought about it for a while, and said he does not mind she is flat, and s.e.x is not the most important thing in a marriage.

Several miles further down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also wants to make a confession that he has a p.e.n.i.s just like a baby. If the girl wants to cancel the marriage, it is OK with him.

The girl thought about it for a while and said that she does not mind, and she also believed there are other things far more important than s.e.x in a marriage.

They were happy that they are honest with each other. They went on to Vegas and got married.

On their wedding night, the girl took off her clothes; she is as flat as a washboard. Finally, the guy took off his clothes. After one glance at the guy's naked body, the girl fainted and fell to the floor.

After she became conscious, the guy asked, "I told you before we got married. Why did you still faint?"

The girl said, "You told me it was just like a baby!"

The guy replied, "It is -- 8 pounds and 21 inches!"

Days with Letter R.

The newlyweds were suffering from exhaustion and after an examination, their doctor advised, "It's not unusual for young people to overdo things during the first weeks of marriage. What you both need is rest. For the next month I want you to limit your s.e.x life to those days of the week with an "r" in them. That is, Thursday, Friday and Sat.u.r.day."

Since the end of the week was approaching the newlyweds had no immediate difficulty following the medico's orders. But on the first night of scheduled rest the young bride found herself eager as a beaver. Hubby fell asleep, but she tossed and turned and finally nudged her spouse into partial wakefulness.

Expecting daylight, and confused with the darkness, he asked, "What day is it honey?"

She looks at him with a gleam in her eyes and says, "Mondray."

Diary of a Successful New Bride.

Dear Diary, Monday; Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home, it's fun to cook for Bill. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "Beat 12 eggs separately."

Well, I didn't have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow enough bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine.

Tuesday; We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, "Serve without dressing." So, I didn't dress. But, Bill happened to bring a friend home for supper that night.

Did they ever look startled when I served the salad!

Wednesday: I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, "Wash thoroughly before steaming the rice." So, I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the week.

I can't say it improved the rice any.

Thursday: Today Bill asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe.

It said, "Prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." I hunted all over the garden by my Mom's. So I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there one hour so the dog would not take it. Bill came over and asked if I felt all right. I wonder why?

Friday: Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "Put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did, right over to my Mom's house! There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again it looked the same as when I left it.

Sat.u.r.day.

Bill went shopping today and brought home a chicken.

He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens dress for Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm, but I found a doll dress and some little shoes. I though the hen looked real cute. When Bill saw it, I wondered why he counted to 10.

Sunday: Today Bill's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast, but all we had in the icebox, was hamburger.

So I put it in the oven and set the controls for roast.

There must be a problem with the oven, because it still came out a hamburger.

Monday: I was going to bake bread today. The recipe said, "Mix well and knead well. Then stand in a warm place until double in bulk." I just won't bake bread if I have to double in bulk!

Goodnight Dear Diary. This has been an exciting week.

I am eager for tomorrow to come, so I can try a new recipe on Bill.

Drinking Buddies.

A guy calls his old, recently married drinking buddy and asks him to get a beer after work. The newlywed protested at first, then agreed to have one beer. Several hours later, both guys are drunk, and the newlywed pukes all over himself and his shirt. He immediately begins to worry that his wife is going to kill him and never let him out of the house again. His buddy tells him, "Don't worry. Here's $40. Take a cab home with one $20, and tell your wife the some drunk guy gave you the other $20 after he puked on you, to pay for your dry-cleaning".

The newlywed decides its a good idea, and leaves the bar.

The newlywed decides to that he's okay to drive, closes one eye, and weaves his way home. His wife is angrily waiting at the door, sees his shirt and goes ballistic.

The guy gives his well rehea.r.s.ed line, "Some guy puked on me and gave me 20 bucks for my dry-cleaning. Check for yourself in my front pocket."

The wife reaches into his front pocket and pulls out the $40.

She asks, "Then what is this other $20 for?"

The guy replies, "He s.h.i.t in my pants, too".

Get Rich Quick.

A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick so she proceeded to find herself a rich 73-year-old man, planning to love him to death on their wedding night. The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference.

The first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of nose plugs.

Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, "What are those for?"

The elderly gentleman replied, "There are two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber!"