Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 77

CIA Test.

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an a.s.sa.s.sin. These highly cla.s.sified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.

After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circ.u.mstances" they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" "Well", says the CIA man, "You're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circ.u.mstances", they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened.

The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job." "No" the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they're down to the woman left to test.

Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circ.u.mstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."

The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

Circle Flies.

An old farmer was hauling a load of manure when he was stopped by a state trooper. "You were speeding," the cop said. "I'm going to have to give you a ticket."

"Yep." the farmer said as he watched the trooper shoo away several flies.

"These flies sure are terrible," the trooper complained.

"Yep," the farmer said. "Them are circle flies."

"What's a circle fly?"

"Them flies that circle a horse's a.s.s." answered the farmer. "Them are circle flies."

"You wouldn't be calling me a horse's a.s.s, would you?" the trooper angrily asked.

"Nope, I didn't," the farmer replied. "But you just can't fool them flies."

Cop on Horseback.

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike.

The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?

The kid says, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the a.s.s on the back of the horse, instead of on top."

Doing 69 at a 35 MPH Zone.

A young dating couple were driving down the road in a very busy area, when things started to gets ome what pa.s.sionate. SO they decided to pull over and park and have some fun. Things were really getting hot, and they were not paying any attention to what was going on outside. All of a sudden a policeman was tapping on their window.

The cop could hardly contain himself. "Didn't you know that you are not supposed to be having s.e.x in public?" he asked the couple. Being embarra.s.sed at being caught said yes and apologized.

"Well, he said, I will have to write you a ticket." So the cop wrote the ticket and reminded them next time to watch their behavior.

After getting dressed the girlfriend asked her boyfriend what the policeman wrote the ticket for. He responded..."doing 69 in a 35 mph speed zone!!"

Fido the Police Dog.

Police officer George and officer Mary had been a.s.signed to walk the beat.

They had only been out a short while when Mary said, "d.a.m.n, I was running late this morning and forgot to put on my panties! We have to go back to the station to get them."

George replied, "We don't have to go back. Just give Fido my trusty police dog one sniff, and he will go fetch them for you."

It was a hot day and Mary didn't fell like heading back to the station, so she lifted her skirt for the dog.

Fido's nose shoots between her legs, sniffing and snorting. After 10 seconds of sniffing, Fido's ears pick up, he sniffs the wind, and he is off in a flash towards the station house.

Five minutes go by and no sign of Fido. Ten minutes pa.s.s, and the dog is nowhere to be seen. Fifteen minutes pa.s.s, and they are starting to worry.

Twenty minutes pa.s.s, and they hear sirens in the distance. The sirens get louder and louder. Suddenly, followed by a dozen police cars, Fido rounds the corner with the Desk Sergeant's b.a.l.l.s in his mouth!

Fleeing Draftee.

Two military policemen were chasing a fleeing draftee from The military base. The draftee ran into the courtyard of a convent. He saw a nun seated on a round bench beneath a tree, quietly reading a book.

He said to her, "Quick sister, please hide me I don't want to be drafted and the M.P.'s are chasing me!"

She lifted up her skirt and said, "Quick hide under here."

The two policemen came by and asked if she had seen anyone. She replied, "No."

After they left she told the young boy to come out and that everything was going to be OK. He thanked her and said, "You have a nice set of legs for a nun!"

She replied, "If you reach up a little farther you'll find a nice set of b.a.l.l.s too. I'm not going to be drafted either!"

j.a.panese Torpedo.

During the World War II, an American warship was attacked by the j.a.panese. A torpedo was heading towards the ship and a hit seemed inevitable. So the captain told the navigator to go down to the crew quarters and tell a joke or something - at least they would die laughing.

The navigator went down and said to the crew, "What would you think if I could split the whole ship in two by hitting my d.i.c.k against the table?"

The crew burst laughing. So the navigator pulled his d.i.c.k out and whammed it on the table. Just when the d.i.c.k hit the table, a huge explosion tore the ship apart.

The only survivors were the captain and the navigator. As they floated around in a lifeboat captain asked the navigator, "Well, the crew really laughed. What did you do?"

The navigator told him how he hit his d.i.c.k against the table.

The captain replied, "Well, in the future you better be careful with that d.i.c.k of yours. The torpedo missed!"