Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 70

A nurse from England was on duty in the emergency department, when a punk rocker entered. This young woman had purple hair styled into a Mohawk, a variety of tattoos and strange clothing.

It was determined that the patient had acute appendicitis and was scheduled for immediate surgery.

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff found that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it was a tattoo reading: "keep off the gra.s.s."

After the prep and the surgery, the surgeon added a small note to the dressing which said: "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

Lawyer's Brain.

A woman diagnosed as having a brain tumor was told by her doctor that she would need the transplant of a one-pound brain.

The doctor then asked, "What type of brain do you want?"

"What type?" the woman asked.

"Yes," replied the doctor. "There is a substantial difference in price. For example, a one-pound brain of a surgeon costs $60,000, while you can get a one-pound brain of a nuclear physicist for $50,000, and so on.

"Can you give me a one-pound lawyer's brain? Ever since I was a little girl I've dreamed of being a trial attorney."

"That's $250,000," the doctor replied.

"Why so much? the woman asked. "That's over four times what a surgeon's brain costs."

"Do you have any idea how many lawyers it takes to produce a pound of brain?" the doctor replied.

Live to 100 Years.

A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred. The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?"

"No," he replied, "I've never done either."

"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?" inquired the doctor.

"No, I've never done any of those things either."

"Well then," said the doctor, "what do you want to live to be a hundred for?"

Long and Large Penies.

A young man goes to his doctor with a personal problem. He pulls down his pants and displays his rather long and large p.e.n.i.s.

"So, what's the problem?" the doctor asks.

"I can't get beyond a first date with a woman. A kiss, a touch or even just a whiff of her perfume and whammm! I get this tent in my pants."

The doctor thinks for a moment. "Well, drugs are really out of the question, they could have some long term side effects. Have you tried strapping it to your leg?"

The young man agrees to try it. A couple of days pa.s.s and the doctor runs into his patient on the street.

"So, how did things work out?"

"Okay, at first," the young man admits sheepishly. "I took this girl out on a first date, we had a great time, and with it strapped to my leg my erection wasn't so obvious. When I took her home, she leaned over to give me a goodnight kiss on the front steps, giving me a peek down her blouse, and that's when it happened."

"What?"

"That's when I kicked her right in the face!"

Medical Appointment.

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.

The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?

Medical Condition.

Two professors were walking through the park one day when they spotted a man with a peculiar walk. It looked as if he had a severe limp on his right leg. Naturally, they started to discuss what his problem might be.

One of them insisted on it being a problem with the mans spine, but the other one said it had to be his hip.

Since they couldn't agree upon the issue they decided to walk up to the man and ask him.

"Excuse me", one of the professors said, -"but we couldn't avoid seeing your strange walk, and we can't agree upon which one of us has the correct diagnosis. I believe it's a problem with your spine, and my colleague here insists upon it being your hip. Please, tell us which of us is correct."

"Well," the man replied -"I guess all three of us were wrong....I believed it was only gas...."

Mental Patients.

In a mental inst.i.tution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car.

The nurse asks him, "Charlie what are you doing?"

Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!"

The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how you doing?"

Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago"

"Great," replied the nurse.

The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room and finds Bob sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously. With surprise she asks, "Bob what are you doing?"

Bob says.."I'm s.c.r.e.w.i.n.g Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"

Mental Patients.

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office. "Mr. James, you records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home." he said. "I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."

"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied. "I hung him up to dry."

Naming the Twins.