Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 68

Four expectant fathers were in Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor.

The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations, sir, you're the father of twins."

"What a coincidence" the man said with some obvious pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."

The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, "You sir, are the father of triplets."

"Wow, That's really an incredible coincidence " he answered. "I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one down."

An hour later, while the other two men were pa.s.sing cigars around, the nurse came back. This time she turned to the third man - who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets.

Stunned, he barely could reply.

"Don't tell me another coincidence?" asked the nurse. After finally regaining his composure, he said, "I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."

After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the fourth guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness.

When he was finally able to speak, you could hear him whispering repeatedly the same phrase over and over again: "I should have never taken that job at the 7-11"

"I should have never taken that job at the 7-11"

"I should have never taken that job at the 7-11..."

Failing Manhood.

Concerned about his failing manhood, a farmer went to the local doctor for help. The doctor gave him a small container of pills and told him to take no more than one a day.

Back home, the farmer thought he'd try the medication on his stud horse first. The horse swallowed the pill, jumped out of his stall, kicked a side of the barn over, and ran off down the road.

"Those pills are too strong for me," the farmer thought, and pour the rest into his well.

Later, when the doctor came to check on him, the farmer told how he had disposed of the medication.

"Heavens!" exclaimed the doctor. "You haven't drunk any of the well water, have you?"

"No," said the farmer. "We can't get the pump handle down."

Farting Problem.

This elderly woman went to the doctor's office for a check up.

The doctor asked if she had any problems. The woman said that she had terrible farting problem, but they where silent & didn't smell. In fact she had farted at least 10 times since she had been in the office, but as they where silent & didn't smell he wouldn't have known. The doctor listened to her story and then gave her a prescription for some pills. He told her to take these for a week and then come back to see him.

A week later the elderly woman returned to the doctor's office and complained " I don't know what you did but those pills you gave me have got my wind smelling awful, mind you they are still silent but boy do they stink !!"

The doctor replied, "Good, now that your sinuses are cleared up we will work on improving your hearing !!!!!"

Favorite Type of Patients.

Three surgeons discussing their favorite types of patient.

"I like the Germans" said the first, "everything is so clean and well ordered."

"I like the j.a.panese " said the second, "all the organs are miniaturized and color coded."

"I like the Americans" said the third, "There are only two organs, a mouth and an a.r.s.ehole and they're interchangeable!"

Five Surgeons.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and b.u.t.t are interchangeable."

Follow Up Visit.

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.

"Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."

The doctor rea.s.sured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"

"On my b.a.l.l.s."

Foreskin Wallet.

A surgeon was retiring from his long and rewarding career as a specialist in circ.u.mcision. Throughout his career, he had saved the foreskins of his patients in specimen jars as momentous, and now wished to fashion them into a souvenir.

So he brought his hundreds of specimens to a leathersmith, and asked him to craft an article of fine artistic quality. "I'll see what I can do," said the artisan, "Check back with me in one week."

The surgeon returned one week later, eager to see what magnificent article the leathersmith had made for him. But the leathersmith presented to him only a wallet. "All those foreskins and you make for me only a wallet? " exclaimed the surgeon.

The leathersmith replied, "Yes, but if you stroke it, it becomes a briefcase."

Good & Bad News.

Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor.

The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news.

The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."

Harry says, "My G.o.d. What's the good news?"

The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."

Great Dentist.