Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 66

"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.

"It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.

"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated p.e.n.i.ses?"

"No sir, our mother."

"Your mother? You idiot, women don't have p.e.n.i.ses!"

"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could."

Bionic p.e.n.i.s.

There was a man who suffered a serious accident and lost his p.e.n.i.s. The doctors came to his recovery room and informed him of his accident but said also that they could replace it with a bionic one and he would not notice much difference but side effects are unknown.

After some time he married and had three sons.

One day the eldest came racing in to see his father all upset. He said "Daddy Daddy, I was taking a leak when a ball bearing fell out of my p.e.n.i.s" "Son" he said, "that's o.k its just a side effect of my accident".

Later the youngest came in with the same problem, "I was having a leak when a ball bearing fell out of my p.e.n.i.s", the reply was the same "Son that's o.k., its just a side effect of my accident"

The next day the other son came racing in, "Daddy Daddy, I was w.a.n.king in the back yard earlier and shot the cat!"

Bottle of Iodine.

A Doctor was walking down the street and saw a little boy with a bottle of iodine that he was spilling on the sidewalk.

The Doctor said to him, "Son, you shouldn't waste that iodine, I put some on a lady this morning and she pa.s.sed a baby."

The kid looks up and says "h.e.l.l Doc, that's nothing, I put some on my dogs a.s.s and he pa.s.sed a motorcycle !"

b.u.t.t Light.

A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam.

The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes.

Well, when the man sat down in the examination room, he noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the doctor's desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.

When the doctor came in, the man said, "Look Doc, this is my first exam... I know what the K-Y is for... and I know what the glove is for... but what's the BEER for?"

At this instant, the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, "Dumb it, nurse!!! I said a b.u.t.t LIGHT!!!"

Changing s.e.x.

"Doctor, doctor!" shouted the woman coming into the doctors office. "I think I'm turning into a man"

The doctor says, " Now hold on little lady, what makes you think that you're turning into a man?" "

Well" said the woman "I'm starting to grow hair on my chest"

The doctor asked, " Well then, how far down your chest is your hair growing? "

She replied, "All the way down to my d.i.c.k".

Cigar Addict.

A man went to his doctor seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars.

The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy.

"When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it completely up your a.s.shole. Then remove it, rewrap it, and place it back with all the others in such a fashion as you can't tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious: you won't dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar."

"Thanks doc, I'll try it." And he did.

But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again.

"What? My recommendation didn't work? It was supposed to be effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is!"

"Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction," said the patient.

"What in the h.e.l.l is that supposed to mean?"

"Well, I don't smoke cigars anymore, but now I can't go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my a.s.s."

Coma Patient.

A woman is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them is washing her "private area" and notices that there is a response on the monitor when he touches her.

They go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral s.e.x will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband is sceptical, but they a.s.sure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy. Besides it's worth a try.

The hubby finally agrees and goes into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lines... no pulse... no pulse, no heart rate.

The nurses run into the room. The husband is standing there pulling up his pants and says, "I think she choked."

Constipated Construction Worker.

A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm constipated."

The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, "Lean over the table."

The construction worker leans over the table, and the doctor whacks him on the a.s.s with a baseball bat, and then sends him to the bathroom.

He comes out a few minutes later and says, "Doc, I feel great. What should I do?"

The doctor says, "Stop wiping with cement bags."

Darla's Doctors Visit.

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"