Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 61

Tombstone Curving.

Mr. Benton thought he had had the last word when he presented his ex-wife with an unusual gift for her birthday. A tombstone on which he had carved, "Here lies my ex-wife Sonja.....cold as usual."

Much to his surprise, however, his wife one-upped him for his birthday with a tombstone of his own on which she'd had carved, "Here lies my ex-husband Bennett.....stiff at last."

Wedding Gift.

The wealthy old gentleman and his wife were celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary and their three grown sons joined them for dinner.

The old man was rather irritated when he discovered none of the boys had bothered to bring a gift, and after the meal, he drew them aside.

"You're all grown men," he said, "and old enough to hear this. Your mother and I have never been legally married."

"What?" gasped one of the sons. "Do you mean to say we're all b.a.s.t.a.r.ds?"

"Yes," snapped the old man, "and cheap ones, too!"

Animal Sound.

A primary school teacher decided to see how many of the city kids knew what sounds farm animals made. She asked the kids to put their hands up if they knew the correct sound.

"Who knows what sound a cow makes?" she asked.

Cindy put her hand up and said "Moooo!"

"Very good" replied the teacher,"what sound do sheep make?"

"Baaaa" answered Jimmy.

She continued this for a while.

Then she asked, "What sound does a pig make?"

All the hands in the cla.s.s went up. She was surprised at the response. She chose Little Johnny at the back of the cla.s.s.

He stood up, took a deep breath, and screamed, "Up against the wall m.u.t.h.a-f.u.c.ka!!"

Can Little Girls have Babies.

Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"

"No," said his mom, "of course not."

Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"

Caught by the Priest.

One day, a priest went into a public bathroom to use the stall.

While he was on the toilet, he heard moaning coming from the stall next to him. He stood up, to look over, and there was little Johnny, sitting on the toilet playing with himself.

The priest was shocked. He told Johnny that he knew what he was doing in there and that he should save it for marriage.

Little Johnny agreed to this only because it was coming from a priest.

About a week later, the priest ran into Johnny at the mall and asked him how he was doing with his problem.

Jimmy replied, "Great father! I've saved a whole quart!"

Differences Between Boys and Girls.

Little Johnny came home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls," and would his mother, "please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this."

Johnny's mother quietly took him by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closed the door. She said, "First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse..."

Little Johnny unb.u.t.toned her blouse and took it off.

She continued, "Now take off my skirt..."

He removed her skirt. "Take off my bra..." which he did.

"And now, Johnny, please take off my panties."

When Johnny had finished removing his mother's panties, she said, "Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!"

Don't Asks that Question.

Little Johnny asks his mother how old she is.

Her reply is, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs.

Again the mother's reply is, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

The boy then asks, "Why did daddy leave you?"

To this, the mother says, "you shouldn't ask that" and then sends him to his room.

On the way to his room, the boy trips over his mother's purse. When he picks it up, her driver's license falls out. The boy looks it over and goes back to his mother saying, "I know all about you now. You are 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and daddy left you because you got an 'F' in s.e.x!!!"

Hershey's Kiss.

One day at school, little Johnny's teacher said, "Let's play a game. I will put a piece of candy in your mouth and you tell me what it is." the teacher exclaimed.

So the teacher walked up to Mary and told her, "Close your eye's and I'll put the piece of candy in your mouth." Little Mary did so. "A cherry flavored Jolly Rancher," Mary exclaimed. The teacher said, "Very good Mary."

So the teacher went up to Tommy and put a piece of peppermint candy in his mouth. Tommy replied, "A piece of peppermint candy." "Very good Tommy," Said the teacher.

So then the teacher walked up to Sid and put a Hershey's Kiss in his mouth. Sid said, "I don't know what it is?" The teacher said, "It's what your mom gives your dad before they go to bed." Little Johnny jumps up and says, "Spit it out, it's a piece of a.s.s!"