Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 51

A family was all together recently, just hanging around. The sister was browsing through an almanac and laughed at a little piece of trivia she had found in the book, which she then read aloud; "Did you know that a woman's b.r.e.a.s.t.s increase in size by 25% during s.e.x?"

The brother-in-law, a notorious joker, shot back, "So, how come yours don't?"

To which the father, from behind his newspaper and without even a pause, replied, "You're not pumping hard enough."

Patience on Monica.

A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they pa.s.sed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her no. The little girl immediately beg an to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through - don't be upset. It won't be long."

Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Monica, don't cry - only two more aisles to go and then we'll be checking out."

When they got to the checkout stand, the little girls immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there'd be no gum purchased. The mother patiently said, "Monica, we'll be through this check out stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap."

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Monica," he began.

The mother replied, "I'm Monica - my little girl's name is Tammy."

Peeing Up the Wall.

A certain couple loved to compete with each other, comparing their achievements in every aspect of their lives: salaries, athletic abilities, social accomplishments, and so on. Everything was a contest, and the husband sank into a deep depression because he had yet to win a single one.

Finally he sought professional counsel, explaining to the shrink that while he wouldn't mind losing once in a while, his unbroken string of defeats had gotten him pretty down. "Simple enough. All we have to do is devise a game which you can't possibly lose."

The shrink thought for a moment, then proposed a p.i.s.sing contest. "Whoever can pee higher on the wall wins- and how could any woman win?"

Running home, the husband called upstairs, "Darling, I've got a new game!"

"OOOH, I love games," she squealed, running down the stairs. "WHAT IS IT?"

"C'mon out here" he instructed, pulling her around to the patio. "We're going to stand here, p.i.s.s on the wall, and whoever makes the highest mark wins."

"What fun! I'll go first." The woman proceeded to lift her dress, then her leg, and pee on the wall about six inches from the ground. She turned to him expectantly.

"Okay, now it's my turn," said the husband eagerly. He unzipped his fly, pulled out his p.e.n.i.s, and was just about to pee when his wife interrupted.

"Hang on a sec," she cried out. "NO HANDS ALLOWED!"

Perfect Couple.

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?

Answer: The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke. Men continue reading.

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

** By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this ill.u.s.trates another point: women never listen.

Pickle Slicer.

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day and confessed to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his p.e.n.i.s into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a s.e.x therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarra.s.sed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my p.e.n.i.s into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"My G.o.d, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"What happened to the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, she got fired too."

Piggy Bank s.e.x.

There was a couple who were big over-spenders. They always dreamed to spend holidays in Hawaii, but never able to save any money to do so. One day they came with an idea -- each time they have s.e.x, they will put $20.00 bill into piggy bank. They bought the piggy, and followed that procedure for about a year. After that time, they decided that there is enough money for their dream vacation and broke the piggy bank. The husband looked at their savings and said: "Isn't it strange. Each time we had s.e.x, I put $20.00 into piggy. But here we have many $50.00 and a few $100.00 bills."

The wife replied: "Do you think that everybody is as stingy as you are?"

p.i.s.sed Off Wife.

A p.i.s.sed off wife was complaining about her husband spending all his time at the pub, so one night he took her along.

"What'll ya have?" he asked.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied.

So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one go. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her gla.s.s and immediately spat it out.

"Yuck, it's nasty poison!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"

"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

Pregnant Wife.

Since the wife is eight months into her pregnancy, the husband has to sleep on the floor to avoid any regrettable mistake, which might happen pretty easily, for he has been desperate for quite a while now...

Just before lying down on the bed, she glances at him and sees the poor guy curls up on the floor, eyes stare widely into the empty air, filled with hopeless desire...

Feeling sorry for her husband, she opens the top drawer of the cabinet, takes out a fifty dollar bill, and gives it to him, "Awww, my honey is so depressed... here, take this and go to the woman next door, she will let you sleep with her tonight... and remember that this happens only once... ok?... don't think about it again."

The husband rolls his eyes in disbelief, but afraid that she may change her mind, he grabs the money and leaves quickly. A few minutes later, he returns, hands the bill back to the wife and says with much disappointment, "She said this is not enough, she wants sixty."

The wife's face slowly turns red with anger, "d.a.m.n that b.i.t.c.h... when she was pregnant and her husband came over here... I only charged him fifty."