Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 46

A man is walking past this house when a used condom comes flying out of the second story window and lands squarely on his head.

Rather disgusted and absolutely furious, he goes up to the front door and starts pounding on it.

An elderly man opens it and asks him what caused him to knock so loudly. The pa.s.ser-by asks, "Who's in your upstairs room?"

The elderly man replies, I can't see how it's any of your business. Since, you must know, my daughter and intended son-in-law are upstairs."

The pa.s.ser-by hands him the used condom and says, "Well, I just wanted you to know that your intended grandchild fell out the window!"

Couple Take a Long Cruise.

Mr. Wojohowitz had been retired for a year when his wife of fifty years suggested one day, "why don't we take a cruise for a week and make wild pa.s.sionate love like we did when we were young?"

He thought it over and agreed. He put on his hat and coat and went down to the corner drug store. He stepped up to the counter and asked for a bottle of seasick pills and a box of condoms.

Upon returning home his wife greeted him at the door saying, "you know dear, I've been thinking it over and I see no reason why we couldn't manage a month long cruise so we could relax and make wild pa.s.sionate love like we did when we were young."

He smiled, turned around and went back to the pharmacy. He stepped up and ordered 12 bottles of seasick pills and a dozen boxes of condoms.

Upon returning back home his wife met him on the porch with a big smile on her face.

"Max, I have a marvelous idea. You know, now that our children are all on their own, there's nothing to stop us from cruising around the world."

"I'll be right back," he said.

Back to the drug store he went. When he approached the pharmacy counter the druggist looked up with a puzzled grin. Mr. Wojohowitz sheepishly ordered 297 bottles of seasick pills and the same number of boxes of condoms.

The startled pharmacist busied himself filling the order then pa.s.sed the wrapped package across the counter saying, "You know, Mr. Wojohowitz, you've been doing business with me for over thirty years. I certainly don't mean to pry, but if it makes you that sick - WHY DO YOU DO IT!"

Daughter's Lift to Town.

This English gentleman was driving his Roller through wild Wales....

When all of a sudden this chap called Dai (for it was he) jumps out into the middle of the single-track road brandishing a 12 bore shotgun and pointing it directly at Fotherington-Smythe. F-S screeched to halt. A year's worth of rubber on the Roller's tires burned in a couple of seconds.

Dai gestures with the barrel of the gun that F-S should wind down the window. F-S does not feel like arguing.

"W.... w...what do you want?" asks F-S.

"m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.e!" says Dai.

"What? Here and now?" Asks F-S incredulously.

"Aye, aye, and be quick about it" replies Dai, waving the barrel of the aged shotgun an inch from F-S' right year.

After F-S had filled his hanky he asked "Now what?"

"m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.e!" says Dai.

"What? Again?" asks F-S.

"Aye, aye, and be quicker about it" replies Dai, waving the barrel of the aged shotgun closer to F-S' right year.

Comes the time when F-S asks again "Now what?"

"m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.e!" says Dai.

"What? Again?" asks F-S.

"Aye, aye, and be quicker again" replies Dai, poking the barrel of the aged shotgun against F-S' earlug.

This went on for quite a while until F-S finally implored "I can't. I can't. I've got nothing more to offer. Anything... anything else, please, don't expect me to do that again for a fortnight... please ask me to do something else".

"Oh. Ok then." says Dai "you can now give my daughter a lift into town...."

Days Before Birth Control Pills.

In the days before birth control pills, a young bride-to-be asked her gynecologist to recommend some sort of contraceptive.

He suggested she try withdrawal, douches or condoms.

Several years later, the woman was walking down the street with three children when she happened to run across her old doctor. "I see you decided not to take my advice," he said, eyeing the young children.

"On the contrary, doc," she exclaimed, "Davey here was a pullout, Darcy was a washout, and Delores was a blowout!"

Doc need a Specimen.

Danny McGuire came home from work to find his lovely bride sitting in the living room still in her bath robe. "Kate my wife" he says "what ever is the matter, yer still in yer robe."

"Ah Danny," says she, "tis poorly I'm feeling. I didn't know what to do so I called Doc McDonald. 'I'll need a specimen', he says and hung up. Danny, I don't know what a specimen is."

"Ah la.s.s I don't know either, but if you high yerself up the stairs to Mrs. Murphy 'n' she'll be able to tell ye."

Off goes Kate bounding up the stairs.

Soon Danny hears a horrible thump, bang and a h.e.l.l of a crash. Opening his door, he sees Kate piled up at the bottom of the landing.

"Kate, what ever happened?"

"I told Mrs Murphy what the doc said and she told me to just p.i.s.s in a bottle. So I told her to s.h.i.t in her hat ... and the fight was on."

Double the Recipe.

Mr. & Mrs. Smith have been back from their honeymoon for two weeks when Mr. Smith come home from work and says that he has invited 4 of his friends from the office home for dinner on Friday night.

The miss's is a bit apprehensive and asks if she must cook a meal for the four.

Mr. Smith explains that there will be eight coming because each will bring his wife or a date. Since this is there first party, he consoles her by saying that all she has to do is get some Chinese food in and perhaps she can bake a cake. This sounds like a good idea, and they sit down and decide what chinese food to get.

Friday morning wife calls the office in tears. She explains that the only cake recipe she has will only feed six.

Hubby says, "why don't you just double the recipe?" She decides that is a good idea.

At four, hubby gets another phone call -- this time quite frantic. "I just can't do it," wifely weeps. "It's impossible."

"Now, now, what's the matter?"

"Well, their recipe calls for two eggs..."

"So, you use FOUR eggs. Don't you have them?

"Yes -- then it needs 4 cups of flour."

"Well," hubby says rather testily, "you will have to use 8 cups of flour -- what is the problem?"

"It isn't the ingredients," wife sobs, "it says that the cake must be baked at 350 degrees and I have checked the oven and I can't turn the heat up to 700 degrees!"

Dress of Love.

An old woman went to visit her daughter and she found her naked, waiting for her husband. The mother asks the daughter "What are you doing naked?"

The daughter responds "This is the dress of love."

When the mother returns home, she strips naked and waits for her husband. When her husband arrives, he asks her "What are you doing naked, woman?"

She responds "This is the dress of love."