Jokes Book Collection Part I Part 35

So the girl sits astride dad as well, jumping up and down, pretending dad is a horse. As the parents reach a climax, the little girl shouts excitedly, "Hold on tight, Mum, this is where me and the au pair usually fall off!"

Did you hear about the couple who adopted a baby from Spain? Then signed up for evening cla.s.ses in Spanish so that they would be able to understand the baby when it started talking.

A priest met a small boy walking along the street and in the boy's hand was a bottle of acid.

"Now, now young man," said the priest, looking worried.

"That's not something you should be walking around with.

Look, wouldn't you rather have some of my Holy Water?"

"Why?" asked the boy. "What does that do?"

"Well, only this morning I put this water on Mrs McTavish's tummy and she pa.s.sed a baby."

"Not bad," said the boy, "but five minutes ago, I put this acid on the backside of that old black and white mongrel and it pa.s.sed the police car."

"Okay darling," said Mummy to her little five-year-old daughter. "Why don't you say grace for us today?"

"Yes Mummy," replied the dutiful daughter. She closed her eyes, put her hands together and said innocently, "Give us some food, for Christ's sake. Amen."

"Mummy, Mummy, where do babies come from?" asked the little girl.

"Why darling, they come from the storks."

"But Mummy, who f.u.c.ks the storks?"

CHAPTER 6.

MALE MENOPAUSE.

It was a series of subtle signs that told Johnny Sharpe he was in a mid-life crisis and about to dive into the male menopause. When filling in forms under "age" he put 49? and under s.e.x "only very occasionally". It now took him all night to do what he used to do all night. He found it strange, fancying a red Porsche, when he'd never ever driven. Eventually he went to the doctor and said he felt useless, finished, incompetent and ignored. The doctor simply said "Next," before prescribing that he have an operation to dampen down his ambition and then have some wh.o.r.e-moan replacement therapy at the local brothel.

PLAYING AWAY.

A man went to the doctor's complaining that his wife had such a vigorous s.e.x drive that she was wearing him out. The doctor suggested he bring his wife into the surgery for an examination, so they both turned up the following week.

The wife was told to go into the other room and strip off, but when the doctor went in, he was overcome by her beautiful body and the way she started to tempt him over.

"It's no good, I can't help myself," gasped the doctor and he stripped off frantically and jumped on top of her.

After some time, the groans of pleasure attracted the husband's attention so he opened the door to see what was going on.

"What the h.e.l.l do you think you're doing?" bellowed the husband.

"I'm, er..., taking her temperature," replied the fl.u.s.tered doctor.

Taking a gun out of his pocket, the man said, "When you take that thing out, it better have numbers on it then."

A tall dark handsome man pops into the vet's and asks the receptionist how long he will have to wait.

"Oh, about 30 minutes, Mr Wellbeing has two cats and a gerbil to see."

"Thank you," replies the man and walks out. Over the next few weeks the man appears several times, asks the same question and then leaves. By this time, the receptionist is so intrigued, she tells the vet and he suggests that next time the man comes in she should follow him when he leaves.

So the receptionist does as she's asked and on returning says to the vet, "Well, that's very strange. All he seems to do is go straight round to your house."

"How do you like my new suit?" said Steve to his friend.

"Wow! That must have cost a lot of money?"

"I don't know, it was a present from my wife. When I arrived home early yesterday afternoon, it was hanging over the bottom of the bed."

"Jane, that milkman will have to go," said the enraged husband. "He's so cheeky, he reckons he's slept with every woman on this street, except one."

"Oh, I know who that'll be," replied his wife, "It'll be her at No. 32."

"I'm sorry to hear your Dave's in hospital, I heard it was his knee."

"That's right, I found a blonde sitting on it."

The man was so angry when he found his wife in bed with another man that he punched him unconscious and took him downstairs and out into the garden shed. When the man came round he found his p.e.n.i.s was chained to the ground and beside it was a large knife.

"What are you going to do?" he stammered.

"I'm not going to do anything," smirked the husband, "but you might want to chop it off to escape the flames when I set fire to this shed."

Jack had not long left for work when he realised he'd left some important papers at home, so he drove back and on entering the kitchen, found his wife bending over the cooker. Quick as a flash, he lifted her skirt and unzipped his flies, just as she said without turning round, "h.e.l.lo, Fred, you're early this week."

The phone rings and the husband answers it.

"No, mate, you want the Met Office."

"Who was that, darling?" asks the wife.

"I don't know, I think he wanted the weather forecast, because he asked me if the coast was clear."

A man went to the doctor's in an awful state. Cuts and bruises to his face and a suspected broken arm.

"What happened to you?" asked the doctor.

"It's my wife, she had one of her dreadful nightmares."

"Do you mean she did this to you while she was asleep?"

"Oh no, doctor, it was when she shouted out in her sleep, 'Quick, get out, my husband's coming home,' that, without thinking, I jumped out of the window."

"You never make a noise or cry out when you have an o.r.g.a.s.m," he complained.

"How would you know, you're never there," she retorted.

Following a night of fantastic s.e.x with a woman he picked up in the pub, the man is afraid to go home and face his wife.

"I have a great idea," says the woman. "Stick these darts in your back pocket and tell her the truth. Trust me, it will be alright."

So, with trepidation, the man returns home to find his wife in the kitchen waiting for him.

"Okay," she hisses, "where the h.e.l.l have you been this time?"

"I've been making wonderful love to a beautiful woman, all night long," he replies.

"You b.l.o.o.d.y liar, pull the other one. You've been with your mates playing darts, I can see them in your back pocket."

"What the h.e.l.l's going on here?" yelled the angry husband, on finding his wife and the gardener canoodling in the summer house."

"You see," said the wife scornfully, "I told you he was stupid."

Two men were chatting over the garden wall. The first said, "You'll never guess what happened this morning, Tom. My wife was suffering from a hangover, so I went downstairs to make her a cup of tea. Because it was cold, I grabbed the first thing I saw to put on which turned out to be her dressing gown. I was just bending over the fridge to get the milk, when the window cleaner walked in, put his hand up me and grabbed my b.u.m. You can imagine the embarra.s.sment when he realised who I was, it was just an astonishing coincidence that his wife had a dressing gown exactly the same."

Samantha had been staying with her sick mother for over a month and on returning home, she discovered her husband had been having an affair. She confronted him, shouting loudly, "Was it Jane, from next door?"

"No."

"Was it Emma?"

"No."

"Then it must have been Kate."

"No, you stupid woman. Don't you think I have any friends of my own?"

The angry woman marched round to her next door neighbour's house and confronted her with a set of photographs.

"Look at these, you common tart, this is proof that you've been seeing my husband. There's one of the two of you in bed, this is a picture of you and him in the back seat of the car and this one shows you sitting on his knee. What do you have to say for yourself?" she snarled.

For a few moments, the next-door neighbour looked through the photographs and then said, "Mmm, not bad. I'll have two copies of the first picture and one each of the other two."

It was the same routine every night. Fred would arrive home from the coal mine and jump into the bath that his wife always had ready for him, and then she would lovingly wash his back. However, one evening it all changed. When Fred got into the bath, his wife took a brush to him and scrubbed him till he was red raw.

"Hey, woman," he yelled. "What's going on?"

"You tell me," she retorted. "For as long as I can remember you've always walked into the house dead on 6 o'clock, black from head to toe. But tonight, you're 45 minutes late and a small part of you is white."