Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 36

"Well I can see that" she said. "but what is so exciting about a period."

"d.a.m.ned if I know" said Johnny, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."

Study on Recreation Preferences.

The National Science Foundation announced the followingstudy results on corporate America recreation preferences: 1. Sport of choice for maintenance level employees: bowling.

2. Sport of choice for front line workers: football.

3. Sport of choice for supervisors: baseball.

4. Sport of choice for middle management: tennis.

5. Sport of choice for corporate officers: golf.

CONCLUSION: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your b.a.l.l.s.

Troublesome Twins.

One day, Mrs. Martin the third grade teacher decided she'd had enough with the shenanigans of two troublesome students of hers, twin brothers named Clinton and Gore. The two brats were always yelling, swearing, pulling girls' ponytails, picking fights, etc. So Mrs. Martin decided to write a letter to the boys' mother. It went like this: "Dear Mrs. Appleby: I am writing in regards to your sons, who are incessantly disrupting my cla.s.s. It makes it very difficult to educate my students when they insist on being a nuisance. I would ask you to either discipline these two boys to the level expected of a responsible parent, or move them someplace else.

P.S. Your two boys claim that their names are 'Clinton' and 'Gore.' Is this true, or are they putting me on?

Sincerely, Mrs. Martin.

The very next day, Mrs. Martin got a reply.

"Dear Mrs. Martin: First of all, the name is Miss Appleby, not Mrs. And if you had two little b.a.s.t.a.r.ds, what would you call them?!

Sincerely, Miss Appleby.

Two Syllable Words.

The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words, she thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more than one syllable.

"Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?"

"After some thought Jane proudly replied with Monday."

"Great Jane that has two syllables, Mon......day"

"Does anyone know another word."

"I do, I do, me me me" replied Johnny.

Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humor she picks Mike instead.

"OK Mike, what is your word."

"Sat.u.r.day." says Mike.

"Great, that has three syllables..."

Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says "I know a four syllable word, pick me....."

Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says, "O.K. Johnny what is your four syllable word?"

Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion."

Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says, "Wow, Johnny, four syllables, that certainly is a mouthful"

"No Ma'am, your thinking of 'b.l.o.w.j.o.b', and that's only two syllables."

Unusual Event.

The composition teacher asked the cla.s.s to write about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up and read his essay.

It began, "Daddy fell into the well last week..."

"My goodness!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he all right?"

"He must be," said the boy. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday

Use Beautiful Twice in a Sentence.

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher.

She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.

"Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on little Johnny "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, f.u.c.king beautiful!'"

Use Contagious in a Sentence.

So this teacher is teaching her grade four cla.s.s, and she's telling them that the word of the day is 'contagious.'

She asks if anyone can use this word in a sentence, and several people stick up their hands. "Carl," she says. Carl says, "My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps, 'cause they're contagious." "Very good," says the teacher.

Then she picks Suzie, who says, "The atmosphere was contagious," and the teacher says, "Excellent, Suzie!"

Then she notices that little Johnny has his hand up, at the back of the cla.s.s. "Yes, Johnny?" she says.

Johnny says, "The other day, me and my dad's a-sittin around, and we saw our blonde neighbor painting her fence. She had a tiny little model car paintbrush, and she was going in tiny little strokes up and down the fence, and my dad says to me, "Jesus, it's gonna take that c.u.n.t AGES to finish that fence."

Use the word Definitely.

A nursery school teacher asks her cla.s.s, "Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"

The first little girl answers, "The sky is definitely blue," but the teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange, or purple and pink."

A second little boy answers, "Trees are definitely green." The teacher says, "Sorry, Timmy, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."

Little Johnny from the back of the cla.s.s stands up and asks, "Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says, "Johnny! Of course not!!!"

"OK", says Johnny, "then I have DEFINITELY s.h.i.t in my pants!"