Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 28

Henry Ford & Adam in Heaven.

Henry Ford went to Heaven upon his death and was given a warm welcome at the pearly gates. St. Peter, after completing the formalities, asked him how he would like to spend his time. Ford, the great inventor, asked to see some of the inventors before him. So St. Peters printed out the list of all the inventors currently ( doing time ) in heaven.

As Ford started to go through the list, he came across the name Adam.

He queried if it was the same guy who discovered Eve, the woman. St. Peters confirmed that indeed Adam was the man credited with the invention of women.

Ford requested an audience with Adam, as he had a few things to straighten out with him.

When the scheduled meeting took place, Ford was all over Adam, attacking him for the flaws in his invention.

"Your invention is the most stupid work of engineering I ever saw. There is too much of front end protrusion, the rear end wobbles too much, it chatters at high speeds and the intake is placed too close to the exhaust."

Obviously, Adam doesn't like it too much. He thinks for a while and then leads Henry Ford to the Celestial Computer. He works with the enormous data-banks and in a few minutes there is beeps and all that, and out come a few charts and graphs.

"Look here, Mr. Ford. Despite all the flaws you pointed out, data shows that there are more men riding my product than yours."

Holy Priest went to Heaven.

A very spiritual, devout and holy priest dies and is immediately swept up to heaven.

St. Peter greets him at the Pearly Gates, and says, "h.e.l.lo, Father, we've been waiting for you for a long time. Welcome to Heaven!" "You are very well known here, and as a special reward, because you are such a spiritual and holy man, we're going to grant you anything you wish even before we enter Heaven. What can I grant you?"

"Well," the priest says, "I've always been a great admirer of the Virgin Mother. I've always wanted to talk to her."

St. Peter nods his head to one side, and lo and behold who should approach the priest but the Virgin Mary!

The priest is beside is himself, and he manages to say, "Mother, I have always been a great admirer of yours, and have studied everything I could about you and followed your life as best I could. I have studied every painting and portrait ever made of you, and I've noticed that you are always portrayed with a slightly sad look on your face. I have always, always wondered what it was that made you sad. Would you please tell me?"

"Honestly?" with a little pained grimace on her face."Well, I was really hoping for a girl."

Horrible Death.

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell - but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me, I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

Lawyer at the Pearly Gate.

A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"

The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."

The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter."

Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to h.e.l.l."

Money's Worth.

Sandy McDonald, a long time and respected resident of a small Scottish town, pa.s.sed away.

His wife, Maggie, went to the newspaper to place an obituary. She asked how much it would be. When the newspaper man told her, she was a little shocked by the price.

She asked him, "Since Sandy was such a highly regarded resident of this town, couldn't you do it for nothing?"

"No", said the man. "But, I will give you three words, free."

Maggie answered, "Well, we could just say, ' McDonald is dead."

The newspaper man, then said, "I have just been thinking. Since Sandy was such a highly respected resident of our town, I think I could make that six words, free."

"Oh," said Maggie. "Then we could say, "McDonald is dead. Bicycle for sale."

Pat the Irishman.

There once was an Irishman named Pat, who was born on St. Patrick's Day, died on St. Patrick's Day, marching in the St. Patrick's Day parade.

Pat went to heaven and saw St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "Who are you?" and Pat replied, "My name is Pat, I'm an Irishman, born on St. Patrick's Day, died on St. Patrick's Day, marchin' in the St. Patrick's Day parade."

St. Peter checked up in his book and saw all this information was true. So he said to Pat: "Yes, this is all true, so here is a little green cloud for you to drive around heaven in and here is a harp that, when you push this b.u.t.ton here, will play 'When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.' You've earned it, Pat. Have a good time in heaven."

Pat jumps on his little green cloud, punches the b.u.t.ton, and it starts to play "When Irish Eyes Are Smiling." He heads out into heaven, a smile on his face and a song in his heart.

He's having a wonderful time in heaven, driving his little green cloud around for two whole days. However, on the third day, he's driving down the main expressway in heaven with the harp playing full blast when, all of a sudden, a pink and white two-tone cloud roars past him. And in the back of this cloud is an organ which is playing all sorts of celestial music. Pat has just enough time to see that the person driving the pink and white two-tone cloud has a long nose and a darkish complexion.

Pat makes a U-Turn right in the middle of the Heaven Expressway, charges back to the Pearly Gates, jumps off of his little green cloud and stalks up to St. Peter.

He says, "St. Peter, my name is Pat, I'm an Irishman. I was born on St. Patrick's Day, died on St. Patrick's Day, marchin' in the St. Patrick's Day parade. I come up here to heaven and I get this tiny, insignificant little green cloud and this little harp that plays only one song, 'When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.'

"St. Peter, there's a Jew over there. He's got a big, beautiful pink and white two-tone cloud and an huge organ that plays all kinds of celestial music and I, Pat the Irishman, want to know why!"

St. Peter stands up from his desk. He leans over and motions Pat the Irishman to come closer. Then he says: "Pat, shush! *He's* the Boss's Son!"

Reincarnation.

There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death.

Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later.

At the seance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?" A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you."

Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?" "It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time."

"What do you do all day?" asked Martha.

"Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m."

Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?"

"Heaven? Oh, I'm not in Heaven, Martha."

"Well, then, where are you, then?"

"I'm a bunny rabbit in Arizona, Martha."