Jokes Book Collection Part I Part 33

She replied haughtily, "One has been informed that one has to actually handle the so-called member."

"Oh Jasmin, was it love at first sight?"

"No, second. I didn't know he had so much money the first time."

Two men are crossing the Pennines when their car packs up on them and they are left stranded. Fortunately, they spot a little cottage and decide to ask for shelter. The door is opened by a widow who immediately invites them in and gives them something to eat.

"I'm sorry, I only have a single bed in the spare room, so one of you will have to share with me. Steve picks the short straw and ends up sleeping with the widow who is so starved for s.e.x that the night turns out to be very pa.s.sionate.

The following morning, they have breakfast and say goodbye.

"Martin, I've got something to confess," says Steve. "When she asked me for my name and address I gave her yours. You know what my wife is like, she'd have murdered me."

However, Martin is not amused and when they return home, they don't see each other for over a year, until they meet up again in the bank.

"I'm glad I've seen you," says Martin. "I've had a letter from the solicitor of that widow, he..."

But before he can continue, Steve interrupts.

"Listen, I really am sorry about that. As it happens, my wife's left me anyway."

"No, no," says Martin. "I just wanted to let you know that the widow has died and left me 2 million."

The church was in a very bad state of repair and all sorts of fundraising ideas were being considered. It was decided that some of the wealthy business people could be approached and on this morning, the vicar was escorting a local millionaire around the church to see for himself the critical state it was in. As the vicar pointed out the cracks in the stonework over the front porch, a piece of masonry fell off and hit the millionaire on the head. Rubbing his head gingerly, the man said, "I see what you mean, Vicar, here's a cheque for 200."

As they were leaving, the vicar looked up and shouted, "Go on, Lord, hit the tight-fisted b.u.g.g.e.r again!"

Two old school chums who haven't seen each other for twenty years b.u.mp into each other in the local supermarket.

"h.e.l.lo, Tara, how are you?" asks Helen.

"Very well," replies Tara, who's an awful show-off. "Very well indeed. After I left school, I went into my father's business in Switzerland and some years later, I married the son of one of Switzerland's largest chocolate manufacturers.

"Oh how nice," says Helen.

"And then we returned to England some years ago, where we started an exclusive health farm, catering mostly for the local celebrities. It's been a huge success."

"Oh how nice," says Helen.

"And now we're branching out into our own range of cosmetics, and they are proving to be very popular."

"Oh how nice," says Helen.

"Anyway, that's enough of me. How about you, Helen?"

"Me? Well I went on to finishing school, where one of the most important things they taught me was to say, 'Oh, how nice' instead of 'f.u.c.k you."

"Come in," said the bank manager to his customer, "and what can I do for you?"

The customer explained that he was an inventor and he needed some funding for his latest invention. He had created a special substance that, sprayed lightly over a woman's p.u.s.s.y, would give it a strawberry flavour.

"No, no," said the banker, shaking his head sadly. "That's no good, but if you could invest a substance that, sprayed on a strawberry, would make it taste like p.u.s.s.y, then you're onto a winner and I'd buy into the company myself."

"Now listen very carefully," said the millionaire to the architect designing his new house. "Whatever you do, I don't want that tree disturbed over there. It brings back fond memories."

"Why's that?" asked the architect.

"That's where I had s.e.x for the first time. And don't touch that old tree over there either. That's where her mother was standing and that's where she watched us while we were doing it."

"What?" said the architect. "You were s.h.a.gging her daughter and she was watching! What did she say?"

"Baaaa."

SHOPPING SPREE.

A Scotsman, a bit the worse for wear, staggered into an off licence for some more booze. There were two men in front of him. The first had a huge beard and a big cigar. He ordered 100 worth of spirits and told the shop a.s.sistant to put it on the F11 convention bill. After he had gone the second man, also sporting a large cigar and a slightly smaller beard, ordered 200 of sherry and port, and asked for it to be also put on the F11 convention account. So the Scotsman thought he'd try and get away with the same thing.

"Two crates of whisky please, and put it on the F11 convention account, my good man," he said, trying to sound very upright and sober. The shop a.s.sistant replied, "I'm sorry, Sir, I can't do that, you don't have a large beard and cigar."

For a moment the Scotsman looked defeated but then a smile lit up his face as he lifted his kilt and replied, "Ah yes, but I'm working undercover."

A sleazy man ran a pet shop and advertised on the front window that he had a dog for sale, specially reared for spinsters.

It wasn't long before a woman came in asking for more details.

"I a.s.sure you, Miss, this dog will cater for all your needs," he said as he brought out a huge Alsatian for her to inspect. The woman bought the dog and they went home. However, a week later, he received an angry phone call from her, complaining that the dog was not satisfactory.

"My sincere apologies," simpered the man. "I'll come round and see you straight away."

When the man arrived, he found the woman in bed and the dog asleep on the carpet.

"Watch carefully, Brutus," he said to the dog as he took his clothes off. "I'm only going to show you one more time."

The man knocked on his manager's door.

"Excuse me, Sir, may I have tomorrow off, the wife wants to go shopping."

"Certainly not," replied the manager.

"Oh thank you, Sir, you've saved my life!"

A man was strolling around an old antique market when he spotted a long-forgotten bra.s.s rat pushed into a far corner of one of the shops. A collector of bra.s.s objects, the purchase was soon made and the man departed. However, he hadn't gone too far when he noticed a rat running up behind him and within minutes, the whole area was swimming in the vermin. Frightened for his life, the man raced down the road to the river and threw the bra.s.s rat into the water. Lo and behold all the rats ran into the water and drowned. Some time later, he returned to the antique market and sought out the man who had sold him the rat. When the shopkeeper recognised him, he said, "Back again already, Sir, is there something wrong with your figure?"

"Oh no, not at all, I was just wondering if you had any bra.s.s figures of lawyers," he replied.

A bloke goes into a baker's and asks for three pork pies. The a.s.sistant picks the pies up with a pair of tongs and puts them in a paper bag. The man then asks for three strawberry tarts and the a.s.sistant picks up another pair of tongs and puts three tarts into a bag.

"I must compliment you on such impressive hygienic standards," said the man.

"Thank you," says the a.s.sistant. "We're very careful not to touch any of the food."

Just as the man is leaving the shop, he notices a piece of string hanging from the a.s.sistant's trousers.

"Excuse me, what is that piece of string?" he asks.

"That's used when I go to the toilet. So that I don't touch my p.e.n.i.s. I pull it out with the string," says the a.s.sistant.

"But how do you put it back?"

"Oh, I use one of these pairs of tongs."

The couple had been married many years and it had got to the stage where any romance that might have been, had died long ago. On a shopping trip into town they stopped off at the tailor's to get the husband fitted for a new pair of trousers.

"What size zip would you like?" asked the a.s.sistant.

"Oh, the longest you've got," he quickly replied.

After they'd left the shop the wife turned to him and remarked bitterly, "You remind me of that good-for-nothing brother of yours. Every day he opens the doors of his double garage and wheels out a bicycle."

A very shy man had the embarra.s.sing task of returning a pair of underpants to the shop and being served by a pretty young girl.

"What's wrong with them, Sir?" she asked.

"They're, they're ... er, unsatisfactory," he said, blushing madly.

"Can you tell me why?"

The man was lost for words but as he was looking wildly around for inspiration, an idea came to him.

"Do you know the old Grand Hotel on Union Street?"

"Yes."

"And do you know the ballroom underneath?"

"But there is no ballroom underneath."

"Exactly!" exclaimed the man, "and that's just what's wrong with these underpants."

A woman tries on an evening dress in the shop and says to the sales a.s.sistant, "What do you think, I know the neckline's a bit low cut, is it too daring?"

"Well, Madam, have you got hairs on your chest?" said the a.s.sistant.

"No."

"Then I think it's too daring."

"There you are, does it fit properly?" he asked.

"Oh yes, it's great," she replied.

"It doesn't hurt, does it?"

"Not at all."

"Well, that's good, because we've only got these shoes in this size."

There was only one supermarket basket left at the door of the shop as a woman and a man approached from separate directions.

"Excuse me," said the woman, "do you want that basket?"