Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 5

Poor Guy.

Ok, there's this guy on a bar, just looking at his drink He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-maker truck driver steps next to him, and drinks what he was staring at. The poor man starts crying.

The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll pay you another drink. I just can't see a man crying".

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outraged, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. And the police, they say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just runs away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, to this bar. And when I was thinking about getting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison c.o.c.ktail I just mixed..."

Six Inches from the Ground.

A small balding man stormed into a local bar and demanded, "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got! I'm so p.i.s.sed I can't even see straight!" The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit the worse for wear, pours him a DOUBLE.

The man swilled down the drink and demanded, "Gimme another ONE!"

The bartender pours the drink, but said, "Now, before I give you this, why don't you let off a little steam and tell me WHY you're so upset?"

So the man begins his tale: "Well, I am a salesman for this fancy goose pillows. I got an order and took several samples to an apartment in this neighborhood. I knock on the door and this woman opens the door. Now, the lady cann't make up her mind, so she asks me to take the samples to the bedroom and check them there. As I get into the bedroom I hear some keys jingling, and SOMEONE starts fumbling with the door."

"Well, the woman says, 'Oh my G.o.d, it's my BOYFRIEND. He must have lost his WRESTLING match today, he's gonna be REAL MAD! He won't belive that you are just a salesman. Quick, HIDE!'

"So, I opened at the CLOSET, but I figured that was probably the FIRST place he would look, so I didn't hide there. Then I looked under the bed, but no, I figured he's bound to look there, too. By now I could hear the key in the lock. I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and was hanging there by my FINGERS praying that the guy WOULDN'T see me.

The bartender says "Well I can see how you might be a BIT FRUSTRATED at this point."

"Well, yeah, but I hear the guy finally get the door open and he yells out, 'Tell me, who you been seeing now?'"

"The girl said, 'n.o.body, honey, now have a gla.s.s of water and calm down.'

Well the guy starts TEARING up the room. I hear him tear the door off the closet and throw it across the room. I'm thinking, 'Boy, I'm glad I didn't hide in there.' Then I hear him lift up the bed and throw it across the room. Good thing I didn't hide under there either."

"Then I heard him say, 'What's that over there by the WINDOW?' I think 'Oh boy, I'm dead meat now'. But the woman by now is trying real hard to distract him and convince him to stop looking."

"Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom, and I hear water running for a long time, and I figure maybe he's gonna take a bath or something, when all of a sudden the guy pours a pitcher of scalding HOT WATER out of the window right on top of my head! I mean look at this, I got second degree burns all over my scalp and shoulders!"

The bartender said, "Oh man, that would have p.i.s.sed me off for SURE."

"No," the customer replied, "that didn't really BOTHER me. Next the guy starts slamming the window shut over and over on my hands. I mean, look at my fingers. They're a b.l.o.o.d.y mess, I can hardly hold onto this gla.s.s."

The bartender looks at the guy's hands and agreed, "Yeah, buddy, I can understand why you are so UPSET."

"No, that WASN'T what really p.i.s.sed me off."

The bartender then asked in exasperation, "Well, then, what DID finally p.i.s.s you off?"

"Well I was hanging there for hours, and I turned around and looked down, and I WAS ONLY ABOUT 6 INCHES OFF THE GROUND!"

Size of d.i.c.k.

A young woman was impressed by the ma.s.sive Texan in the bar, "Pardon me, sir, but can I ask about the measurements of your chest. I am amazed."

"Well, thank you, ma'am. It's 33 inches."

"Wow, around?"

"No, ma'am. Through."

"Well, then, sir. What about your waist?"

"It's 28 inches."

"Around?"

"No, ma'am. Through."

"Well, then. One last question. What about the size of your d.i.c.k."

"You see, ma'am. It's 3 inches!"

"Wow," said the woman. "Through?!"

"Oh, no, Ma'am. From the floor!!!

Skills as a Hunter.

The big game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his skills as a hunter. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what caliber rifle was used to shoot it. This was a bit too much for the other customers, and soon a heated argument was going on. Then the hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and the bet was on.

They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced, "Springbok." Then he felt for the bullet hole and declared," And shot with a .22 rifle."

The others could not believe it (he was right of course) and the argument was even hotter than before. When some started to suggest that he must have peeped, he said that he was prepared to do it again. He would put up all the drinks they had bought before against them buying another round for him. So they blindfolded him again, very thoroughly this time, and they brought a skin that someone happened to have in the boot of his car.

He took a bit longer this time and then said. "Kalahari Lion" and fingering the bullet hole, said "and the rifle was a .308" and he was right again. This of course was like throwing fat on the fire, and he had to prove his skills, over and over again, every time against a round of drinks.

Finally he staggered home, bombed out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one h.e.l.l of a shiner.

So he said to his wife, "Listen I know I was drunk last night, but not too drunk to know that I did not fight anyone in that bar. So where did I get this black eye?"

And his wife replied angrily. "From me, of course."

"But what did I do?" he asked.

She replied "You got into bed and put your hand down inside my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and announced in a loud triumphant tone, "Skunk, killed with an axe!"

Terrific Smell.

This man went into a nightclub and saw a gorgeous honey sitting by herself at the bar, he asked her to dance. She agreed and they took to the dance floor for a slow one. While they were cheek to cheek, the guy said "You really smell terrific. What's that you have on?"

The flattered girl told him it was Channel #5. Then wanting to return the compliment, she said, "You smell good, too. What is it that you have on?"

"Well, I've got a hard on, but I didn't think you could smell it," the guy replied.

The Beers are on me.

Did you hear the one about the guy who rushed into the bar and told the bartender, "The beers are on me!. My wife ran away with my best friend."

The bartender smiled and said, That's a shame, how come you aren't unhappy?"

h.e.l.l no, I'm not unhappy," replied the guy, "They saved me a f.u.c.king fortune....both of then were pregnant!"

The Best At.

A guy is hanging out in his favorite bar in Newark, thinking about his wretched life, when he spots a fabulous babe walking in on the arm of some ugly schlep. He asks the bartender about her and is surprised to discover that she's a prost.i.tute.

He watches her the rest of the night, amazed that someone so attractive could be available to him.

The next night he goes back to the bar, and sure enough she shows up again, only this time alone. The guy gets up his nerve and approaches her.