Jokes Book Collection Part Viii Part 17

>If you wanted cycle, ask for scooter; if you wanted a >motorcycle, ask for Maruti. Always ask for something >higher than you need. The young Sardarji who wanted no >dowry, imbibed the lesson. When his father-in-law >asked him what he wanted, the young Sardarji replied "

>Give me the girl's mother"

> === > >There was a Sardarji who was down on his luck. In >order to raise some money he decided to kidnap a kid >and hold him for ransom. He went to the playground, >grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, >"I've kidnapped you." The Sardarji then wrote a note >saying: "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, >put $10,000 in a paper bag & put it beneath the mango >tree next to the slide on the north side of the city >play ground". Signed, "A Sardarji". The Sardarji then >pinned the note to the kid's shirt and >sent him home to show it to his parents. The next >morning the Sardarji checked, and sure enough a paper >bag was sitting beneath the mango tree. The Sardarji >opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note >saying, "How could you do this to a fellow Sardarji?

> === > >Mrs. and Mr. Banta Singh were delighted when finally >their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The >adoption center called and told them they had a >wonderful Russian baby boy and the couple took him >without hesitation. On the way home from the adoption >center, they stopped by the local college so they each >could enroll in night courses. After they filled out >the form, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever >possessed you to study Russian?" Sardar couple said >proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year >or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to >understand him."

> === >Dear Son, > >Just a few lines to you to let you know that I am >still alive. I'm writing this letter slow, because I >know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did >when you left home. Your dad read in the paper that >most accidents happen 20 miles from your home, so we >moved. I won't be able to send you the address as the >last Sardar who stayed here took the numbers with them >for their next house, so they wouldn't have to change >their address. This place is really nice. It even has >a washing machine. I'm not sure it works too well.

>last week I put in 3 shirts, pulled the chain and >haven't seen them since. The weather here isn't too >bad. It rained only twice last week. The first it >rained for 3 days and second time for 4 days. The coat >you wanted me to send you, your Auntie said it would >be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the >b.u.t.tons, so we cut them off and put them in the >pocket. I went to the doctor on Thursday and your >father came with me. The doctor put a small tube in my >mouth and told me not to talk for 10 minutes. Your >father offered to buy it from him. Your father has >another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting >the gra.s.s at the cemetery. Your sister had a baby this >morning. I haven't found out whether it's a girl or a >boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or an >Uncle. Your uncle, Satpal fell in a whisky van. Some >men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off and >drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

>There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has >happened. Love, Mummie P.S. I was going to send u $50 >with this letter but I have already sealed the >envelope.

=== >A Sardarji goes to a hotel and eats heartily. After >eating he goes to wash his hands but starts washing >the basin instead. The manager comes running and asks >him, "Prahji, aap kya kar rahe ho?" To this the man >replies, "Oye, tumne hi to idhar board lagaya hai, >'Wash Basin'

=== >Santa Singh got up in the middle of the night to >answer the telephone. "Is this one one one one?", says >the voice. "No, this is eleven eleven." "Are you sure >it isn't one one one one?" "No, this is eleven >eleven." "Well, wrong number. Sorry to have got you up >on the middle of the night." "That's all right, >mister. I had to get up to answer the telephone >anyway."

> === > >Once Santa Singh broke his leg when he threw his >cigarette b.u.t.t down the manhole and tried to step on >it.

=== > >Santa Singh tried to light his cigarette. He struck >the first match onthe seat of his pants, but it >wouldn't light. He tried another. It wouldn't light.

>The third one finally lit. He lit his cigarette, >carefully blew the match out and put it in his vest >pocket. "What for did you put that match in your vest >pocket?" "That's a good match. I'll use it again."

=== >A sardar sees lot of guys running on the highway. Asks >a bystander as to why are the guys doing what they are >doing The bystander "A Marathon race is going on".

>Sardar "What do they get from that?" Bystander "The >winner will get a prize". Sardar "Then why are the >others running?"

=== >Santa Singh with two red ears went to his doctor. The >doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he >answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang >but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally >picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear.." "Oh >Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But .. what >happened to your other ear?" "The scoundrel called >back."

=== >The Doorbell > >A priest was walking down his street one day when he >noticed a very small boy trying to press the doorbell >on a house. The boy was very short and the doorbell >was too high for him to reach. After watching the >boy's efforts for some time, the priest moved closer >to the boy. He crossed the street, walked up behind >the little fellow, placed his hand kindheartedly on >the child's shoulder leaned over and gave the doorbell >a solid ring. Crouching down to the child's level, the >priest smiled benevolently and asked, "And now what, >my little man?" To which the boy replied, "Now we >run!"

=== > >Car Trouble > >A car breaks down along the highway one day, so the >driver eases it over onto the shoulder. He jumps out >of the car, opens the trunk, and pulls out two men in >long black trench coats. The men stand behind the car, >open up their coats and start exposing themselves to >all the oncoming traffic. This results in one of the >worst pile-ups. When the police questioned him why he >put two deviates along the side of the road, the man >replied, "I broke down and was just using my emergency >flashers!"

=== >Marriage Warnings Finally, here is some warning given >out in good faith!

> >Shaadi ke pehle - Agar Tum Na Hote:( > >Shaadi ke baad - Agar Tum Na Hote:) > >Shaadi ke pehle - Maine Pyar Kiya > >Shaadi ke baad - Ye Maine Kya Kiya?

> >Shaadi ke pehle - Kuch Kuch Hota Hai > >Shaadi ke baad - Kuch Nahi Hota Hai > >Shaadi ke pehle - Dil To Pagal Hai > >Shaadi ke baad - Dil To Pagal Tha > >Shaadi ke pehle - Ek Duje Ke Liye > >Shaadi ke baad - Sirf Bachcho Ke Liye > >Shaadi ke pehle - Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge > >Shaadi ke baad - Baaki Log Sukhi Ho Jayenge > >Shaadi ke pehle - Chandramukhi > >Shaadi ke baad - Jwaalamukhi > >Shaadi ke pehle - Kuwara Baap > >Shaadi ke baad - Bechara Baap > >Shaadi ke pehle - t.i.tanic > >Shaadi ke baad - Mortgage > >Shaadi ke pehle - Hum Aapke Hai Koun?

> >Shaadi ke baad - Barbadi Ka Kaaran > >Shaadi ke pehle - Yes Boss:) > >Shaadi ke baad - Yes Boss:( > >Shaadi ke pehle - Mere Sapno Ki Rani > >Shaadi ke baad - Chutki Ki Amma > >Shaadi ke pehle - Kabhi Kabhi > >Shaadi ke baad - If you are lucky > >Shaadi ke pehle - Aao Pyar Karen > >Shaadi ke baad - Aur Bhi Kuch Kaam Karen?

> >Shaadi ke pehle - Hum Apke Hain > >Shaadi he baad - Hum Apke Hai Koun?

=== >It was the second grade teacher's birthday. So every >child in the cla.s.s was giving her a special gift.

>Anna's mother owned a flower shop, so Anna gave the >teacher some beautiful flowers.

> >Robert's parents owned a candy shop. Robert gave the >teacher a wonderful box of a.s.sorted candies.

> >Then it was little Johnny's turn. Johnny's dad owned a >liquor store! So Johnny brought a big box for his >teacher.

> >When little Johnny handed the box to his teacher, she >noticed that the bottom of the box was wet. So she put >her finger on it and tasted.

> >"Is it wine?" the teacher asked.

> >"No, it's not wine!" Johnny replied.

> >She tasted it again. "Hmmmmmm. Is it some sort of >liquor?"

> >"Nope, it's not liquor!" said Johnny.

> >She tasted it again and was puzzled. "Well, Johnny, I >give up. What is it?"

> >Johnny was excited. "It's a puppy!" he said.

=== >The Greatest Dad > >A large company offered to fly me out to a meeting >business cla.s.s. During the return flight we were given >gourmet brownies and cookies. Not hungry, I decided to >save them for later, so I placed them in an air >sickness bag. After the plane landed I got up to leave >and a stewardess approached me. She asked, "Sir, would >you like for me to dispose of that for you?" I said, >"No thanks, I'm saving it for my kids."

=== >The Bitter Truth >Sardar banta singh arrived at the Indira Gandhi >international airport with his wife and four children >and checked in to catch their flight to Abu Dhabi >where he had been promised a good job. While waiting >for the flight to be called, Banta Singh looked around >the departure lounge and saw a machine full of >coloured bulbs on it. The machine flashed a panel >stating, insert 10-paise coin and learn the truth.

> >Banta inserted a 10-paise coin. The machine made a >whirring sound and out came a ticket. It read:your >name is sardar banta singh. You are waiting to catch a >flight to abu dhabi. Banta Singh was very exited and >beckoned his family.

> >Mrs. Banta inserted a 10- paise coin.The machine again >made a whirring noise and out came another ticket >reading:you name is Sardarni Banta Singh and you are >waiting to catch your flight to Abu Dhabi.

> >In turn the children put in 10-paise coin and got the >same answer > >After they had finished, banta singh thought he would >try the machine one last time. He inserted a coin. The >machine whirred and out came anther ticket reading: >your name is sardar banta singh and you have just >missed your flight to ABU Dhabi!

=== >Punjab Airways!!

>Good morning, ladies and gentlemen! This is your >captain Banta Singh welcoming you to 'Punjab Airways.'

>We apologise for the four day delay in taking off, >owing to bad weather and some overtime I had put in at >the bakery. This is flight 126 to New Delhi. Landing >in Delhi is not guaranteed, but we will end up >somewhere in the East. And if luck is in our favour, >we may even be landing on your village!

> >'Punjab Airways' has an excellent record for safety.

>In fact, our safety standards are so high that even >terrorists are afraid to fly with us! I take great >pleasure in announcing that starting this year, over >50 per cent of our pa.s.sengers have reached their >destination. For the ones that don't quite make it, >'Punjab Airways' staff have all the requisite >experience for consoling the kith and kin. Our >stewardess Bubbly will be happy to brief you on our >out-of-court settlement policies.

> >If our engines are too noisy for you, on pa.s.senger >request, we can arrange to turn them off! To make your >free fall to earth, pleasant and memorable, we serve >complimentary tea and biscuits, provided you have paid >for the coupons twice!

> >For our religious pa.s.sengers, we are the only airline >who can help you find out if there really is a G.o.d!

> >We regret to inform you, that today's in-flight movie >will not be shown as we forgot to record it from the >television. But for our movie buffs, we will be flying >right next to Air India, where their movie will be >visible from the right >side of the cabin window.

> >Smoking is not allowed in this aeroplane. Any smoke >you see in the cabin is only the early warning system >on the engines telling us to slow down! Life jackets >are positioned under your seats and free bathing >costumes are made available to the aunts and swimming >shorts to the uncles, for emergency jumps!

> >In order to catch important landmarks, we try to fly >as close as possible for the best view. However, if we >go a little too close, do let us know. Our >enthusiastic co-pilot sometimes flies right through >the landmark!

> >Kindly be seated, keep your seat in an upright >position for take-off and fasten your belt. For those >of you who can't find a seat belt, kindly fasten your >own belt to the arm of your seat. And for those of you >who can't find a seat, do >not hesitate to get in touch with a flight attendant >for your suitcase.

> >Sorry, but I won't be flying with you today because I >have to attend my nephew's wedding. But please make >yourself at home and help yourself to a visit to the >c.o.c.k pit.

> >Thank you for choosing 'Punjab Airways'. Have a nice >journey!

=== >Rifle Shopping > >A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a >rifle. "It's for my husband," she tells the clerk.

> >"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.

> >"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know >that I'm going to shoot him!"

=== >Rifle Shopping > >A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a >rifle. "It's for my husband," she tells the clerk.

> >"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.

> >"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know >that I'm going to shoot him!"

=== >A gynecologist joining school for auto mechanics > >A gynecologist was getting tired of his job and >decided to switch careers. He'd always enjoyed >tinkering with engines, so he enrolled in a school for >auto mechanics.

> >When the cla.s.s ended the students were given their >final exam: strip a car engine completely and >rea.s.semble it in perfect working order. The >gynecologist did his best - and was amazed to find he >scored 150%. "How could that be?" he asked.

> >"Well," said the instructor, "I gave you 50% for >taking the engine apart. Next, I gave you 50% for >rea.s.sembling it - a fantastic job, really. And then I >gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all through the >exhaust pipe."

=== >A Balanced India > >G.o.d was in the process of creating the universe and he >was explaining to his subordinates.. "Look everything >should be in balance". For example, after every 10 >deer there should be a lion. Look here my fellow >angels; here is the country of the United States. I >have blessed them with prosperity and money. But at >the same time, I have given them insecurity and >tension.... And here is Africa. I have given them >beautiful nature. But at the same time, I have given >them climatic extremes.... And here is South America.

>I have given them lots of forests. But at the same >time, I have given them lesser land so that they would >have to cut off the forests... So you see fellows, >everything should be in balance. One of the angels >asked... "G.o.d, what is this extremely beautiful >country here?" G.o.d said....... "Ahah...that is the >crown piece of all INDIA. My most precious creation.

>It has understanding and friendly people. Sparkling >streams, serene mountains. A culture, which speaks of >the great tradition that they live. Technologically >brilliant and with a heart of gold....." The angel was >quite surprised "But G.o.d you said everything should be >in balance." G.o.d replied - "Look at the neighbours, I >gave them."

=== >A wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limo >one day when he noticed two men at the side of the >road eating gra.s.s. He told the driver to pull over and >got out to investigate. "Why are you eating gra.s.s?" he >asked the first man.

> >"We have no money for food," the poor man replied.

> >"Well, come with me then," instructed the lawyer.

> >"But sir, I have a wife and two children!" the man >said.

> >"Bring them along," replied the lawyer. "And what >about you?" he asked, turning to the other man.

> >"I have a wife and six children!" the second man >answered, with his head hung low.

> >"Bring them all!" the lawyer ordered. The two families >climbed into his limo and stared at him with >grat.i.tude.

> >"Sir, you are very kind. Thank you for taking all of >us with you."

> >"No problem," the lawyer replied. "The gra.s.s at my >house is almost a foot tall!"

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to show them what has happened. A Detective Inspector is sent and is taken to the first body.

"Clinton, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector," says the Coroner.

The DI is taken to the second dead man. "Suharto, 70, made a pile from government funds, and spent it all on whiskey. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

"Nothing unusual here", thinks the DI, and asks to be shown the last body.

"Ah," says the coroner. "This is the most unusual one. Dr. Mahathir, 75, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

To which the coroner replies, "He thought he was having his picture taken."

A woman is sitting at a bar, enjoying an after work c.o.c.ktail with her girlfriends, when an exceptionally tall, handsome, s.e.xy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. The young man noticed her overly-attentive stare and walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for being rude and staring, the young man said to her "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to so, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition." Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse five $20 bills, which she slowly counted into the young man's outstretched hand. She looked deeply into his eyes and slowly, meaningfully, said "Clean my house."

A market researcher called at a house and his knock was answered by a young woman with three small children running around her.

He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and when she agreed, he asked her if she knew his company, Cheeseborough-Ponds.

When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product.

When asked if she used it, she answered, "Yes, we use it when we have s.e.xual intercourse."

The interviewer was amazed. He said, "I always ask that question because everyone uses our product and they always say they use it for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge or some other purpose. But I know that most people really use it for s.e.xual intercourse, they just don't like to say so. Since you've been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?"

"We put it on the doork.n.o.b to keep the kids out."

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"

"Sand," answered Juan.