Jokes Book Collection Part Viii Part 8

Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman - and then, BAM!, it was all gone!"

"What happened?" asked his friend. "My wife found out..."

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for whatever he wants, But his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets.

The man thinks for a moment and says, "Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me till I'm half dead."

Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.

They've experienced pain and bought jewellery.

How do most men define marriage?

An expensive way to get your laundry done free.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"

Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive.

20 ways to make a man's Christmas at its best!

1. Trim his tree.

2. Lick his luscious candy cane.

3. Be his "ho-ho-ho" for the holidays.

4. Polish his christmas b.a.l.l.s.

5. Ride him like a reindeer.

6. Taste his sweet egg-nog.

7. Deck the halls with moans of pleasure.

8. Fa, la, la, latio- la, la, la, la.

9. Spark his menorah with a hot strip tease.

10. Request a stiff stocking stuff-her!

11. Make his Kris Kringle tingle.

12. Gift wrap yourself in s.e.xy lingere.

13. Unwrap his package.

14. Hang mistletoe from any place you want kissed.

15. Rock his jingle bells in the frosty air.

16. Make your Rudolph's hose as red as his nose.

17. Heat him up with a snow job.

18. Give the Christmas carolers a show of your own.

19. Dress up as Santa's nasty little helper.

20. Make sure you're naughty, so it's nice.

GIRL: And are you sure you love me and no one else?

BOY: Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday.

GIRL : Who was that girl I saw you kissing last night??

BOY : What time was it??

GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!

BOY : You love me...

CAROL : Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed I couldn't speak for an hour..

PETER : Yes Darling, that was the happiest hour of my life...

GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever..

BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??

GIRL : I love you and I could die for you!

BOY : How soon??

GIRL : I would go to the end of the world for you!

BOY : Yes, but would you stay there??

SHARON : Have you ever had a hot pa.s.sionate, burning kiss??

TRACY :I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.

MAN : You remind me of the sea.

WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?

MAN : NO, because you make me sick.

Mary : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think,Peter?

Peter : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.

Peter : Mom, does G.o.d use our bathroom?

Mother : No, Peter. Why?

Peter : Because Daddy bangs on the door every morning and yells, "Oh G.o.d,are you still there?"

Sam : I hate to see a girl standing in a bus when I am comfortably seated.

Lily : So what do you do?

Sam : I close my eyes

Every man should get married some time; after all, happiness is not the only thing in life!!

-Anonymous.

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her.

-Agatha Christie.

Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others.

-Oscar Wilde.

Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.

-Scottish Proverb.

I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.

-Sam Kinison.

A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free.

-Anonymous.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't, they'd be married too.

-H. L. Mencken.

Men have a better time than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier.

-H. L. Mencken.