Jokes Book Collection Part Vii Part 26

---********---0 An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a cla.s.s of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the cla.s.s. "There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear."

Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse's a.n.u.s and licked it.

"Now you must do the same," he told the cla.s.s.

After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the cla.s.s did as instructed.

"Second," the professor continued, "you must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this man's a.n.u.s, but licked my index finger?"

Santa Singh spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked.

"No, you idiot!" Santa shouted. "This is her husband!"

Santa Singh: My doctor told me to drink carrot juice after a hot bath to cure my cold.

Banta Singh: Does it work?

Santa Singh: I don't know... I can never finish drinking the hot bath.

Laloo ended up getting drunk at this place called the Golden Cafe in Goa.

Well, he comes back home and tells Rabri Devi, 'You wouldn't believe it there! The floor is gold, the ceiling's gold, the chandelier is gold, even the urinals are gold!'

Rabri can't believe this so she calls the place up and asks to speak with the manager. She said, 'Is it true that your floor is gold?' The guy says, 'Yes.' Rabri continues, "Is it true that your ceilings are made of gold?'

'Yes!' replies the manager. Rabri says, 'And is it true that even your urinals are made of gold?'

The manager turns around and says, 'Hey D'Souza, I think we found the guy who messed up your saxaphone last week.'

From: Brajesh k.u.mar

A Pakistani and an Indian get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the Indian sees the Pakistani's car and asks, "So you're a Pakistani. I'm an Indian. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from G.o.d. G.o.d must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

The Pakistani replies, "I agree with you completely this must be a sign from Allah." The Indian continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Johnny Walker Black Label didn't break. Surely G.o.d wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the Pakistani.

The Pakistani syas : "Even though alcohol is banned by Islam but it looks like Allah wanted us to drink." He takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the Indian. The Indian takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the Pakistani. The Pakistani asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The Indian replies, "No... I think I'll wait for the police!"

One day Santa's neighbor visits him and sees Santa crying.

The neighbour: What had happened?

Santa: My mother died yesterday.

The neighbor made him some coffee and settled him down a little and then left. The next day the same neighbor went back over to the house and found Santa crying again.

The neighbour: Why are you crying today Santa?

Santa: I just got off of the phone with my brother, his mother died too!

From: Chandra Shekhar

From: V Anand Gyani Zail Singh went to the US & had a meeting with Reagan. Reagan said, "I want to show you the advancement in technology in USA. Come with me."

Reagan takes him in a deep forest and says. "Dig the ground." Zail Singh digs. Reagan says, "More, more, more?"

Zail Singh has now reached a 100 feet.

Reagan says, "So now, did you find anything?"

Zail Singh, "I got a wire!"

Reagan says, "You see, it shows that even 200 years ago we used to have telephones!"

Zail Singh was very frustrated and he invited Reagan to India. In India GyaniJi says, "Now I want to show you the advancement in India!" He takes Reagan to a forest and ask him to dig.

After some time GyaniJi says, "More. .. more... more!"

Reagan has now reached almost 400 feet.

Zail Singh says, "Find anything?"

Reagan tries but finds nothing, "Nothing here!"

GyaniJi says, "You see even 400 years ago we used to have WIRELESS!"

From: Chandra Shekhar Once Ronald Reagan met Indira Gandhi. She talks about Zail Singh's incompetence in English. Reagan boasts that he can teach Zail in 12 hours, and he will be perfect in English after that. So Zail Singh and Reagan are locked in a room.

After only 6 hours, the door opens, and there comes Reagan, saying "Ae nahin seekh sagda!"

From: Chandra Shekhar *******

In an Air India plane coming to Bombay from London, the pilot announced that there was a problem in the engine and they were losing power. He asked for pa.s.sengers to permit him to drop their luggage. Otherwise the plane will crash. Of course everyone thought what good is the luggage if they die, so pilot dumps the luggage.

After a few minutes the pilot announced, "We are still losing power. The only way to keep flying is by losing some weight. We now need someone to make a sacrifice so that others can live." Next to the door was sitting a British man. He opened the door, said, "Long live the queen!", and jumped to his death. After a few minutes the pilot said that they needed another sacrifice. Behind the British was an American. He stood up, said, "Long live Liberty!", and jumped.

After a few minutes the same story repeated. Behind the American was a Frenchman. He said, "Viva, Le France!", and jumped.

Behind the French was Santa Singh. And after a few minutes Pilot appealed again. Santa said "Wahe guru ka khalsa, Wahe guru ki fateh " and threw down the Pakistani sitting next to him.

From: Chandra Shekhar Two men sitting next to each other in a cinema: First man: Ye paan ki peek kahan pe thukun?

Second man: Padosi ki jeb mein.

First man: Use pata nahin chalega?

Second man: Tumhen pata chala kya?

From: Chandra Shekhar

Laloo, Jayalalitha, and Sonia are on a long flight in an Air Force plane.

Laloo pulls out a 100 Rupee note and says, "I'm going to throw this Rs.100 note out and make someone down below happy."

Jayalalitha, not wanting to be outdone, says, "If that was my 100 Rupee note, I would split it into two Rs.50 notes, throw them down and make two people down below happy."

Of course Sonia doesn't want these two candidates to out do her so she pipes in, 'I would instead take one hundred Rs.1 notes and throw them out to make 100 people just a little happier."

At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and can't stand it anymore, comes out and says, "If I throw all three of you out of this plane and I'll make 100 crore people happy!"

From: Chandra Shekhar

Indira Gandhi wanted Zail Singh and Buta Singh to learn English. She sent them to the UK warning them that if they did not learn in 6 months she will have them shot.

In UK both forget about learning till the time to go back comes.

Now when they return to India, the PM calls them for an interview. Zail Singh forces Buta to go in first. Indira Gandhi writes a big 'M' on the blackboard. After scratching his beard Buta says " M! M for mother." He gets the nod from the PM and comes out beaming with pride. As usual Zail Singh pleads to tell what happened inside and Buta explains.

Now comes Zail Singh's turn. He goes in. There is a big 'W' on the board.

Zail Singh fidgets for some time and there cries out, "Lagdi to Bute di maa hai, par ulti tangi pai hai!"

From: Chandra Shekhar

Banta comes to Australia and goes to Woolworths's (Ubiquitious grocery store in Australia). He finds cat food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of cat food and goes to check out. The Manager gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy cannot have a cat and will probably feed cat food to his kids. He asks Santa to show him his cat before he could let him have cat food. Banta goes home and returns with a cat and gets to buy the cat food.

Next week Banta finds dog food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of dog food and goes to check out. The Manager again gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy has a cat but he cannot have a dog and he will probably feed dog-food to his kids. He asks Santa to bring and show him the dog before he can let him have dog food. Banta goes home and returns with a dog. He gets to buy the dog food.

Next week Banta comes to Woolworth's with a bag. He asks the manager to put his hand in the bag. The Manager puts his hand in the bag and immediately takes it out. He shouts at Banta: "What! This is s.h.i.t!" Banta calmly replies: "Yes, and I want toilet paper"