Jokes Book Collection Part Vi Part 31

36. When dining out, you think Rs 10 is enough of a tip.

37. It's embarra.s.sing if your wedding has less than 600 people.

38. You list your daughter as "fair and slim" in the matrimonial no matter what she looks like.

39. You treat the NRI persons (especially from America) as if they are the only persons living in this world (including YOU).

40. You've seen the ground while inside the lavatory of a train.

41. All your tupperware is stained with food color.

42. You have drinking gla.s.ses made of steel.

43. You have mastered the art of bargaining in shopping.

44. You have really enjoyed reading this mail and forward it to as many Indians as possible.

Ramayana.

DISK-FORMATTED-RAMAYANA.

When Bill Gates was in India, he had a chance 2 listen Ramayana from A B Vajpayee.

After, returning 2 US he wrote it in his personal Diary. A Tabloid in US got a copy of his writings. These are excerpts from his diary "Ramayana by Bill Gates".

LAN, LAN ago, in the SYSTEM of I/O-dhya, there ruled a PROCESSOR named DOS-rat. Once he EXECUTED a great sacrifice PROGRAM after which his queens gave an OUTPUT of four SUNs--RAM, LSIman, BUG-rat and SED-rughana. RAM the eldest was a MICROCHIP with excellent MEMORY. His brothers, however, were only PERIPHERAL ICs.

Once when RAM was only 16MB, he married princess 'C'ta. 12years pa.s.sed by and DOS-rat decided to INSTALL RAM as his successor. However, Queen CIE/CAE (Kaikayi), who was once offered a boon by DOS-rat for a lifesaving HELP COMMAND, took this opportunity at the instigation of her BIOSed maid (a real plotter), and insisted that her son Bug-rat be INSTALLED and that RAM be CUT-N-PASTED to the forest for 14 years.

At this unexpected demand, a SURGE pa.s.sed through DOS-rat and he collapsed, power-less. RAM agreed to LOG INTO forest and 'C'ta insisted to LOGIN with him. LSI-man also resolved on LOGGING IN with them. The forest was the dwelling of SPARCnakha, the TRAN-SISTOR of RAW-van, PROCESSOR of LAN-ka. Attracted by RAM's stature, she proposed that he marry her. RAM, politely declined. Perceiving 'C'ta to be the SOURCE CODE of her distress, she hastened to hack her. Weeping, SPARC-nakha fled to LAN-ka, where RAW-van, moved by TRAN-SISTOR's plight, approached his uncle MAR-icha. MAR-icha REPROGRAMED himself into a golden stag and dragged RAM deep into the forest.

Finally, tired of chase, RAM shot the deer, which, with his last breath, cried out desperately for LSI-man in RAM's voice. Fooled by this VIRTUAL RAM SOUND, 'C'ta urged LSI-man to his brother's aid. Catching the opportunity, RAW-van DELINKED C'ta from her LIBRARY and changed her ROOT DIRECTORY to LAN-ka.

RAM and LSI-man started SEARCHING for the missing 'C'ta all over the forest. They made friendship with the forest SYSTEM ADMINISTRATOR SU-greev and his powerful co-processor Ha-NEUMAN. SU-greev agreed to help RAM. SU-greev ordered his PROGRAMMERS to use powerful 'SEARCH' techniques to FIND the missing 'C'ta. His PROGRAMMERS SEARCHED all around the INTER-NETworked forests. Many tried to 'EXCITE' the birds and animals not to forget the 'WEBCRAWLERS' (Insects) and tried to 'INFO SEEK' something about 'C'ta.

Some of them even shouted 'YAA-HOO' but they all ended up with 'NOT FOUND MESSAGES'.

Several other SEARCH techniques proved useless. Ha-NEUMAN devised a RISKy TECHNOLOGY and used it to cross the seas at an astonishing CLOCK SPEED. Soon Ha-NEUMAN pressed ENTER and DOWNLOADED himself into LAN-ka. After doing some local SEARCH, Ha-NEUMAN found 'C'ta weeping under a TREE STRUCTURE. Ha-NEUMAN used a LOGIN ID (ring) to identify himself to 'C'ta. After DECRYPTING THE KEY, 'C'ta believed in him and asked him to send a 'STATUS_OK' MESSAGE to RAM. Meanwhile all the raakshasa-BUGS around 'C'ta captured Ha-NEUMAN and tried to DELETE him using pyro-techniques. But Ha-NEUMAN managed to spread chaos by spreading the fire-VIRUS.

Ha-NEUMAN happily pressed ESCAPE from LAN-ka and conveyed all the STATUS MESSAGES to RAM and SU-greev. RAW-wan decided to take the all-powerful RAM head-on and prepared for the battle. One of the RAW-wan's SUN (son) almost DELETED RAM & LSI-man with a powerful brahma-astra. But Ha-NEUMAN resorted to some ACTIVE-X gradients and REFORMATTED RAM and LSI-man. RAM used the SOURCE CODE secrets of RAW-wan and once and for all wiped out RAW-wan's presence on earth. After the battle, RAM got INSTALLED in I/O-dhya and spreaded his MICROSOFT WORKS and other USER FRIENDLY PROGRAMS to all USERS and every one lived happily ever after.

Stupid Quotes Stupid People.

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.

Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest

Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.

Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC

I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.

Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.

Mariah Carey, pop singer

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."

Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed doc.u.ments.

"The police are not here to create disorder. They're here to preserve disorder."

Former Chicago mayor Daley during the infamous 1968 DemocraticParty convention

China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese.

Former French President Charles de Gaulle

I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.

David d.i.n.kins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

The Internet is a great way to get on the Net.

Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole

Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.

Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas.

Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana.... The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are.

Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22

"It's like an Alcatraz around my neck."

Boston mayor Menino on the shortage of city parking s.p.a.ces

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."

Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark .

They're multi purpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off.

Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1,000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.

It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle .

I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people.

Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle ..

It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.

Former U.S. Vice President Dan Quayle .

The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe.

Frank Rizzo, ex police chief and mayor of Philadelphia .

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.

Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti smoking campaign.

The president has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on "Larry King Live"

After finding no qualified candidates for the position of princ.i.p.al, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post.

Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island.

That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jacka.s.s, and I'm just the one to do it.

A congressional candidate in Texas.