Jokes Book Collection Part Vi Part 29

> GIRL2 : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his > mouth.

> > > Man : You remind me of the sea.

> Woman : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?

> Man : NO, because you make me sick.

> > Wife : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of > the other.

> Husb : You tell a woman something, it goes in both ears and come out > of the mouth.

> > Mary : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do u think, > Peter?

> Peter : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.

> > Peter : Mom, does G.o.d use our bathroom?

> Mum : No, Peter. Why?

> Peter : Because Daddy bangs on the door every morning and yells, "Oh > G.o.d,are you still there?"

> > Customer : How much is that tie?

> Salesman : Forty dollars.

> Customer : Why, I can buy a pair of shoes that much money.

> Salesman : But how would a pair of shoes look around your neck.

> > Jimmy : Mom, can I have two pieces of cake?

> Mom : Certainly. Take this piece and cut it in two.

> > Woman : How can I ever repay you for your kindness and consideration > to me?

> Man : By cheque, money order or cash.

> > Sam : I hate to see a girl standing in a bus when I'm comfortably > seated.

> Lily : So what do you do?

> Sam : I close my eyes.

> > Teacher : Have you given the goldfish fresh water?

> Pupil : No, Sir. They haven't finished the water gave them last week.

> > Mom : Why are you wiping the floor with that cake?

> Son : Well, it's a sponge cake, isn't it?

> > Man : I'm new around here. Will you please direct me to the bank?

> Little boy : I will, but only if you pay me ten dollars.

> Man : Why should I pay you so much?

> Little boy : Because bank directors are always highly paid.

> > > It was Christmas and the judge was in a benevolent mood as he > questioned the prisoner.

> "What are you charged with?" he asked.

> "Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.

> "That's no offense," replied the judge.

> "How early were you doing this shopping?"

> "Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.

Lost In Translation.

The American Dairy a.s.sociation was so successful with its "Got Milk?" campaign, that it was decided to extend the ads to Mexico. Unfortunately, the Spanish translation was "Are you lactating?"

Electrolux, a Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer, used this ad in the U.S.: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."

Colgate introduced a toothpaste called "Cue" in France, but it turned out to be the same name as a well-known p.o.r.no magazine.

When Braniff translated a slogan touting its upholstery, "Fly in leather," it came out in Spanish as "Fly naked."

Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."

Chicken magnate Frank Perdue's line, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," sounds much more interesting in Spanish: "It takes a s.e.xually stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate."

Bacardi concocted a fruity drink with the name "Pavian" to suggest French chic...but "pavian" means "baboon" in German.

A hair products company, Clairol, introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that mist is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the manure stick.

When Kentucky Fried Chicken entered the Chinese market, to their horror they discovered that their slogan "finger lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off"

When Vicks first introduce its cough drops on the German market, they were chagrined to learn that the German p.r.o.nunciation of "v" is f - which in German is the guttural equivalent of "s.e.xual penetration."

Parker Pens translated the slogan for its ink, "Avoid Embarra.s.sment - Use Quink" into Spanish as "Evite Embarazos - Use Quink"...which also means, "Avoid Pregnancy - Use Quink."

When Pepsi started marketing its products in China a few years back, they translated their slogan, "Pepsi Brings You Back to Life" pretty literally. The slogan in Chinese really meant, "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back from the Grave."

In Italy, a campaign for "Schweppes Tonic Water" translated the name into the much less thirst quenching "Schweppes Toilet Water."

Chinese translation proved difficult for c.o.ke, which took two tries to get it right. They first tried Ke-kou-ke-la because when p.r.o.nounced it sounded roughly like Coca-Cola. It wasn't until after thousands of signs had been printed that they discovered that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax," depending on the dialect. Second time around things worked out much better. After researching 40,000 Chinese characters, c.o.ke came up with "ko-kou-ko-le" which translates roughly to the much more appropriate "happiness in the mouth."

Not to be outdone, Puffs tissues tried later to introduce its product, only to learn that "Puff" in German is a colloquial term for a wh.o.r.ehouse. The English weren't too fond of the name either, as it's a highly derogatory term for a non-heteros.e.xual.

The Chevy Nova never sold well in Spanish speaking countries. "No va" means "it doesn't go" in Spanish.

Ford introduced the Pinto in Brazil. After watching sales go nowhere, the company learned that "Pinto" is Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals." Ford pried the nameplates off all of the cars and subst.i.tuted them with "Corcel" which means horse.

When Gerber first started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as here in the USA - with the cute baby on the label. Later they found out that in Africa companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside since most people can't read.

In the French part of Canada, Hunt-Wesson introduced its "Big John" products as "Gros Jos." It later found out that the phrase is slang for "big b.r.e.a.s.t.s."

Adult Humour.

A man was in a long line at the grocery store. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms. So he asked the checkout girl if she could have some condoms brought up to the register.

She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know.

She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him, then picked up the store intercom and said "One box of large condoms to register 5." The next man in line thought this was interesting and, like most of us, up for a cheap thrill. When he got to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought up to the register.

She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she gave him a quick feel, picked up the store intercom and said, "One box of medium sized condoms to register 5." A few customers back was this teen-aged boy. He thought what he had witnessed was way too cool. He had never had any type of s.e.xual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got up to the register, he told the checker he needed some condoms.

She asked him what size, and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him one quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said, "Clean up at register 5!"

A ship goes out to sea and crashes. 6 people (1 woman and 5 men) survive and use a safety raft to float to this deserted island.

Well, after spending several weeks on the island, they all begin to get really lonely and s.e.xually deprived. So they come to this agreement. All of the men will marry the one woman for a week. So the first man has her for one week, the second man has her for the second week, and so on. Everyone will now be getting s.e.x and they all agree to it.

This goes on for five years and everyone is happy. Each man gets s.e.x every fifth week and the woman gets to have s.e.x whenever she wants with a different man every week.

Well, a few weeks into the fifth year, the woman dies!!!! The first week is pretty bad, the second week is still pretty bad, the third week is getting worse, the fourth week things are just bad, real bad, and the fifth week is just awful. It's getting so very bad that... on the sixth week...............

they buried her.

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her b.u.t.t and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought, and replied with silence. The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could ge rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the p.e.n.i.s.

With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the pool man and your brother!"

Q: How do you get your wife to scream while you are having an o.r.g.a.s.m?

A: Call her and tell her where you are.

Q: If you are having s.e.x with two women and one more woman walks in, what do you have?

A: Divorce proceedings, most likely.

Q: What's the difference between a s.l.u.t and a b.i.t.c.h?

A: A s.l.u.t goes to bed with everyone and a b.i.t.c.h goes to bed with everyone but you.

Q: How do you embarra.s.s an archaeologist?

A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

Jokes4.

TEACHER: Why are you late?

WEBSTER: Because of the sign.

TEACHER: What sign?

WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your maths sums on the floor?

CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!

TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile"?

JOHN: "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"

TEACHER: No, that's wrong JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you ask me how I spell it!