Jokes Book Collection Part V Part 13

With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horse's ca.n.a.l then pulls him out.

Shaking his head, the midget says, "Perhapth I should rephrase. I'd like to thee her run!"

Heights of Stuff.

HEIGHT OF COWARDICE:? Two persons fighting through emails.

HEIGHT OF HELPLESSNESS:??Receiving no emails for a week.

HEIGHT OF FRUSTRATION:? The email server being down.

HEIGHT OF CARELESSNESS: Writing a love mail and doing a 'Send All.'

HEIGHT OF ACHIEVEMENT:? A person sending email to a girl wanting to become friends and getting a reply.

HEIGHT OF TIMEPa.s.s:? A person sending email to himself?

HEIGTHT OF EXPECTATION:? Sending Indian cricket team an e-mail,wishing them to win a match.

HEIGHT OF REPEt.i.tION:? Forwarding an email to someone and receiving the same email forwarded back to you By some one in the receiving chain.

HEIGHT OF BROWSING:? U r swimming in the water tank and shout "F1 F1 F1?" instead of shouting "HELP" when u are unable to swim...

HEIGHT OF MY DOSTI: I always mail, u dont.

HEIGHT OF HAVING NO WORK: You people reading such mails.

Guys Rule.

Why its great to be a guy...

- Your a.s.s is never a factor in a job interview - Your last name stays put.

- Wedding plans take care of themselves.

- You can be president.

- You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

- You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.

- Car mechanics tell you the truth.

- You don't give a rat's a.s.s if someone notices your new haircut.

- Same work... more pay.

- Wrinkles add character - You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.

- Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.

- Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"

- Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

- Movie nudity is virtually always female.

- All your o.r.g.a.s.ms are real.

- You don't have to shave below your neck.

- One mood, all the time.

- Someday you'll be a dirty old man.

Amish Woman Driver.

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. "Ma'am," said the cop, "I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."

"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home," responded the Amish lady.

"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around his private. I consider that animal abuse. Have your husband take care of that right away!" instructed the cop.

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.

"Well, dear, what exactly did he say?" asked Jacob.

"He said the reflector is broken," replied the lady.

"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?" wondered Jacob.

"I'm not sure, Jacob... something about the emergency brake," said the lady.

The Photographer.

The photographer for a national magazine was a.s.signed to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.

"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was a.s.sured by his editor.

As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level pa.s.ses."

"Why?" asked the pilot.

"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience.

After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"

Married Guys.

Four married guys go golfing on Sunday. During the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued: First Guy: "Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth Guy: "That's easy! I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it goes off, I shut off my alarm, give the wife a poke. 'Golf Course or Intercourse?', I ask. She says, 'Wear your sweater.'"

Baseball Fan.

A Scottish man was at a baseball game. It was the first time he had ever seen the sport so he sat quietly. The first batter approached the plate, took a few swings and then hit a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming "Run, run!"

This happened two more times, with a single and a triple. The Scottish man was now excited and ready to get into the game.

The next batter came up and four b.a.l.l.s went by. The umpire called "walk" and the batter started on a slow trot to first. The Scotsman, extremely excited now, stood up and screamed, "R-R-Run ye ba$$tarrd, rrrun!"

Everyone around him started laughing so the Scotsman, extremely embarra.s.sed, sat back down. The fan sitting next to the Scotsman noticed his embarra.s.sment, so he leaned over and explained, "He can't run because he got four b.a.l.l.s."

The Scotsman immediately stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride, man! Walk with pride!"

Blowing Ducks.

There were four ducks that got arrested while messing around at the pond. The judge orders the ducks to come in one at a time to speak their piece.

The first duck comes in.

"What's your name, son?" the judge asks.

"Duck," replied the duck.

"What are you in for?" the judge asks.

"Well, I was sitting at the pond blowing bubbles, and the cop came by and arrested me."

The judge said "Okay, send in the next duck."

The next duck came in. His name was "Duck, Duck," and he told the exact same story as the first duck.

After his examination, the judge asked for the third duck to be sent in. The third duck's name was "Duck, Duck, Duck," and he told the same story as the first two.

Finally, the judge sent for the fourth duck.

As he came in, the judge said, "Let me guess, your name is Duck, Duck, Duck, Duck, right?"

The duck replied, "No sir, my name is Bubbles."