Jokes Book Collection Part V Part 11

Little Johnny was sitting in cla.s.s doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question."Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None", replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well,the answer is four," said the teacher.

"But I like the way you are thinking."

Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now.

If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married? "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?" "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you're thinking!"

Job Drinking.

Reasons why you should be allowed to get drunk at work: 1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress 3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they have had a couple of drinks.

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

Toilet Paper.

A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper.

"Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?"

"Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a baby's kiss. It's $1.50 per roll."

He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft as a bunny, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll."

Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll." "Give me the No Name," she says.

She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says, "Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne."

"Why?" he asks.

"Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take c.r.a.p off anybody!"

Commercials.

One day I met a friend of mine. He was a salesman for a Cola company, posted in the Middle East. Seeing him back home, I got surprised and asked, "Weren't you supposed to be in Arabia ?"

He gave his account thus.

"I got posted in the Middle East. I was very confident that I would make a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem. I didn't know to speak Arabic.

So, I planned to convey the message through pictures. I made 3 posters First, A man crawling through the hot desert sand.. totally exhausted and panting. Second, The man is drinking our Cola. Third, Our man is now totally refreshed."

" Thats a very good ad", I said, "what can be a problem with that?"

He replied, "Well, I didn't know Arabic, neither did I realize that Arabs read from right to left..."

The Salesman.

A salesman walking along the beach found a bottle. When he rubbed it, lo and behold, a genie appeared.

"I will grant you three wishes," announced the genie. "But since Satan still hates me, for every wish you make, your rival gets the wish as well -- only double."

The salesman thought about this for a while. "For my first wish, I would like ten million dollars," he announced.

Instantly the genie gave him a Swiss bank account number and a.s.sured the man that $10,000,000 had been deposited. "But your rival has just received $20,000,000," the genie said.

"I've always wanted a Ferrari," the salesman said. Instantly a Ferrari appeared. "But your rival has just received two Ferraris," the genie said. "And what is your last wish?"

"Well," said the salesman, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney for transplant."

Jesus Golfing.

Jesus and Moses go golfing. They come to a 475 yard, par 4. After teeing off, Jesus is about 200 yards away, with a water hazzard in front. Jesus says, Let me use the 5 iron. Moses says, I think you should use the 7 iron. Jesus says, If Tiger Woods can do it with a 5 iron-and I watched him do it last week- I can do it So he hits the ball...right into the water. Moses walks over, parts the water, picks up the ball, closes the water, and places the ball back where it was. Moses says, I think the 7-. Jesus interupts, If Tiger can do it, I can. Once again, the ball falls right into the water. Jesus says, I'll get it this time. As He is standing on the water, reaching into the water to find His ball, two other guys walk up and gasp at the site. One says, Who does He think He is, Jesus Christ? Moses turns and says, No, Tiger Woods.

Bulls Eye.

A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him."

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."

The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and see if it was 365 times with the same cow."

Feels Great, Looks Teribble.

Mr. Smith goes downstairs in the morning and his doorman says, "Mr. Smith, how are you?" Smith says, "I feel great." Doorman says, "But you look terrible!" Smith says, "But I feel great."

When Smith gets to the office, his secretary asks him how he is. He says, "I feel great!" She says, "But you look terrible." He says, "But I feel great." Smith goes to lunch with his friend and they have just the same conversation. His friend insists that he goes to the doctor and so that is what Mar Smith does.

The doctor asks what the problem is. Smith says, "I feel great but I look terrible." DR says, "I don't know that ailment so I'll look in my medical book." The doctor takes out a huge tome. "Feels great, looks terrible..." he says as he turns the pages, "Feels great, looks terrible.... Feels gre... I've got it!! You're a v.a.g.i.n.a!"

Hardwork.

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%. How about achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful.

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then, H A R D W O R K 8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98% K N O W L E D G E 11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96% But, A T T I T U D E 1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100% And, B U L L S H I T 2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103% So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close, att.i.tude will get you there, but bulls.h.i.t will put you over the top.

And look how far A S S K I S S I N G 1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 127% will take you.

The Definition of Globalization.

Question : What is the height of globalization?

Answer : Princess Diana's death.

Question: How come?

Answer : An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was high on Scottish whiskey, followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on j.a.panese motorcycles, treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines! And this is sent to you by a Canadian, using Bill Gates' technology which he got from the j.a.panese. And you are probably reading this on one of the IBM clones that use Philippine-made chips, and Korean made monitors, a.s.sembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by trucks driven by Indians, hijacked by Indonesians and finally sold to you by a Chinese!

That's Globalization!!!

Lipstick.

According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the restroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Finally the princ.i.p.al decided that something had to be done. She called all of the girls to the restroom and met them there with the maintenance man.

She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance guy to clean one of them. He took a long handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirrors.