Jokes Book Collection Part I Part 20

"Oh, b.l.o.o.d.y h.e.l.l, I think my dog's killed him."

"What!" roared the man "What kind of dog have you got?"

"A peke."

"A peke! but how could a small dog like that kill my dog?"

said the puzzled man.

"I think it got stuck in his throat" came the reply.

A Scotsman, on the way home from a heavy drinking session with his mates, collapses onto a park bench and falls into a very deep stupor. Some time later 2 girls walk past and on seeing him debate whether he has anything under his kilt.

They decide to look and discover he's stark naked.

"We really ought to leave him a record of our visit," one says to the other, so giggling with delight they tie a blue ribbon round his w.i.l.l.y before moving on. Finally the Scotsman comes round and staggers behind a bush bursting for a pee.

When he sees the ribbon he smiles and says to it "I don't know where or what you've been up to, but I see you've won first prize!"

The man sat at the bar looking morosely into his pint of beer.

No matter how hard he tried to ignore it, a little voice inside his head kept on and on at him "How could you Bob, how could you sleep with one of your patients!"

Time went by, and a few more pints disappeared down his throat until he began to feel a little better - even the voice inside his head began to mellow.

"OK Bob, I suppose you're not the first person to sleep with one of their patients and no matter what they say, you're still the best vet in the district."

A man walks into a wine bar, sits down at a table and studies the menu. A couple of minutes later he looks up to see a beautiful waitress standing in front of him. She is so gorgeous that he gasps with pure l.u.s.t.

"What would you like?" she asks.

"A gla.s.s of claret and a quickie please," he replies, drooling at the mouth. The waitress is so disgusted she storms off but returns a few minutes later when she has calmed down.

Again she asks "What would you like?"

He smiles and says again, "A gla.s.s of claret and a quickie please."

"That's it" she yells, gives him a sharp slap across the face and stomps off.

The man sits there dumbstruck when suddenly from the next table a fellow customer leans over and whispers "I think it's p.r.o.nounced 'quiche'."

Johnny was looking for his mate Bob c.o.x and thought he might be having his hair cut. He popped his head round the barber shop door and called out, "Bob c.o.x in here?"

"Sorry, no" replied the barber, "We only do shaves and haircuts."

Did you hear about the beautiful blonde hitchhiker?

A pa.s.sing motorist picked her up and asked her what she did for a living.

"I'm a magician," she said.

"Never! Go on prove it" he replied.

So she touched him on his leg and turned him into an hotel.

An old vicar was retiring and selling his horse so he put an ad in the local newspaper. It wasn't long before it was bought by Bob who decided to ride it home. But when he mounted up, the horse wouldn't move.

"I trained this horse from a little foal," said the vicar.

"He only moves when you say 'Jesus Christ' and stops when you say 'Amen'."

Bob thanked the vicar and sure enough when he said 'Jesus Christ', the horse set off.

On the way home they were caught in a ferocious thunderstorm and the horse bolted when there was a particularly loud crack of thunder. By the time Bob had recovered his wits, the horse was galloping madly through the countryside and it took him a moment or two to remember to say 'Amen'. Immediately the horse came to a standstill, teetering right on the edge of a deep canyon.

"Jesus Christ!" he said.

A man walked into the barbers shop and said he wanted his hair to be styled completely different to everyone else.

"Can you part my hair from ear to ear?" he asked.

"If that's what you want," replied the barber doubtfully, and the man was given what he wanted.

However, that afternoon he walked back into the shop.

"What's wrong?" asked the barber. "Are you tired of the style already?"

"No," he replied angrily, "I'm just fed up with everybody whispering in my nose."

Jack, from the neighbouring farm, happened to see his mate Bill gathering in the harvest without any trousers on.

"Hey Bill, how come you're out here with no trousers on?"

"Well Jack, it's like this. Last week in that hot sun I was out all afternoon without a shirt on. b.l.o.o.d.y h.e.l.l, I suffered the next day. My neck was as stiff as a plank...so this is my wife's idea."

Did you hear what happened when there was a blackout in London last week?

The musical Oh! Calcutta! was temporarily renamed "f.a.n.n.y by gaslight."

A nymphomaniac was doing her gardening one Sunday afternoon when the wind blew her skirt up to reveal a bare backside. At this moment a dog appeared in the garden and stuck his tongue in her crotch. Without looking around she whispered, "Whoever you are, I do the gardening three times a week, Sunday afternoon, Friday and Sat.u.r.day mornings."

"What on earth is that?" said the woman to the waiter.

"It's pressed tongue, Madam."

"Good gracious! I could never eat anything that came out of an animal's mouth. Bring me a boiled egg please."

A young, rich lawyer had a very bad car crash. The porsche was a write-off but even worse, the lawyer's arm had been severed. When the paramedics arrived, they heard him whimpering, "My car, oh my poor car."

"Sir," said one of the helpers, "I think you should be more concerned about your arm."

The lawyer looked round and seeing just his shoulder, exclaimed, "Oh no, my rolex, my rolex."

A pompous upper cla.s.s prat went duck hunting but no matter how hard he tried, it was more than 6 hours before he managed to shoot one down. Delighted at his sudden luck, he searched for the fallen duck and found it in a nearby field. As he was about to pick it up, a farmer appeared and said aggressively "What the h.e.l.l do you think you're doing?"

"I'm getting my duck," he replied.

"Oh no you ain't. This here's my property so it's mine."

"But I've spent all day trying to get a duck and you're not taking it away from me" he spluttered.

And so they argued on, until the farmer came up with a solution: "Look here, there's one way we could settle this argument.

We'll take it in turns to kick each other in the b.a.l.l.s and the last man on his feet gets the duck."

The hunter agreed, and the farmer went first because, as he said, it was his idea. Wearing steel capped, hob nailed boots he aimed carefully at the hunter and gave an almighty kick.

His poor victim turned a sickly white, his eyes disappeared and he gave out the most agonising cry. It took at least 5 minutes for him to come to his senses but he bravely stayed on his feet.

"Right" he gasped "Now it's my turn."

The farmer replied, "Don't bother, you can have the duck."

"Hey George, I had a great dream last night. I dreamt I was in a boat with Bo Derek."

"Really! How did it go?"

"Oh it was great, we caught a 10 lb salmon."

FOOTBALL.

Two Manchester United fans are walking along the street when one of them sees a mirror on the ground. He picks it up and says, "Hey, I recognise that bloke."

The other man takes it from him and replies, "Of course you do, you w.a.n.ker, it's me."

Which 3 league teams have swear words in their names?

a.r.s.enal, Sc.u.n.thorpe United and f.u.c.king Chelsea.

A Torquay United fan is walking through the park one day when he stumbles over an old lamp. A genie pops out and tells him he has just one wish, what would he like? The man looks down at his dog and tells the genie he would like his dog to win the Crufts Dog Show to become supreme champion.

"You've got to be joking," replies the genie, "Just look at him.

He must be on his last legs, he's a flea bitten old mongrel with half a tail."

"OK," sighs the man, "in that case can you make Torquay win the FA Cup?"

The genie looks at him for a moment and then says, "OK, let's have another look at the dog then."

A footballer got kicked in his vital parts and lay doubled up on the ground holding himself and moaning.

"Are you alright mate?" asked the first-aid man, rushing up to him.

"For Christ's sake," groaned the man. "Whatever you do, don't rub them, just count them!"