Jokes Book Collection Part Iv Part 33

FEMININITY.

Julia: "f.a.n.n.y married a very wealthy man, you know. She tells me she has absolutely nothing to wish for."

Gertrude: "Oh, Julia! What a dreadful state to be in."

GETTING EVEN.

Mrs. Lynks: "Jack, I have made up my mind to fine you ten cents every time you swear."

Mr. Lynks: "That's a bargain, if you'll give me ten cents every time you envy me for being able to."

A SOOTHING EFFECT.

"Do you miss your husband as much as when he first went away?"

"No, I am becoming reconciled. You see he sent me a power of attorney."

IN THAT CASE.

She: "When one is really thirsty, there is nothing so good as pure, cold water."

He: "I guess I have never been really thirsty."

A QUALIFIED STATEMENT.

"Well! we've missed that confounded train. What time will the next one be here?"

"If the engine doesn't break down, and the track doesn't spread, and they don't run into any cows, and the up-freight isn't behind time, and the swing bridge isn't open, it ought to be here in about two hours."

The Count: "I weesh to marry your daughtaire, saire! I am vorth one hundred thousand dollaire."

The Millionaire: "But I thought you were a bankrupt."

The Count: "I mean zat I am vorth zat moch to you."

"I suppose your landlord asks a lot for the rent of this place?"

"A lot! He asks me for it nearly every week."

Mother (to little girl who had been sent to the hen-house for eggs): "Well, dear, were there no eggs?"

Little Girl: "No, mummie, only the one the hens use for a pattern."

"It's funny that you should be so tall. Your brother, the artist, is short, isn't he?"

He (absently): "Yes, usually."

Urchin (contemptuously): "Huh! Yer mother takes in washin'!"

Neighbor: "Well, yer didn't s'pose she'd leave it hangin' aht overnight unless your farver was in prison, did yer?"

HIS SPHERE.

"His versatility is something extraordinary."

"I had an idea he was rather stupid."

"That's just it. I never met a man who could make more different kinds of a fool of himself."

Poetic Bridegroom: "I could sit here forever, gazing into your eyes, and listening to the wash of the ocean."

Practical Bride: "Oh! That reminds me, darling, we have not paid our laundry bill yet."

A LOVERS' QUARREL.

George: "Why don't Jack and Laura make up?"

Kate: "'Sh! They'd like to, but unfortunately they can't remember what they quarreled about."

A DREADFUL POSSIBILITY.

Elsie: "When is my birthday, Mother?"

Her Mother: "On the thirty-first of this month, dear."

Elsie: "Oh! Mother! Supposing this month had had only thirty days, where would I have been?"

GETTING RECKLESS.

She: "I'm surprised at Jane's staying out in the boat all this time with a comparative stranger. A woman of thirty is old enough to know better."

He: "Aren't you afraid she is too old to know better?"

"I shall never find anyone else like you. You see, you're so different from other girls."

"Oh, but you'll find lots of other girls different from other girls."

RETROACTIVE.

"You know you should love your neighbor as yourself."

"But the trouble is, when I try to do that, I always end by hating myself."

Pupil: "What I want to know is, am I a ba.s.s or a baritone?"

Teacher: "No-you're not."

APOLOGIZING.

"Oh! Are you really a mind-reader?"

"Yes! I am."

"Then I hope you aren't offended. I didn't mean what I thought about you."

DENIED THE PRIVILEGE.

The Child: "Mother! Did you buy a ticket for me?"

The Mother: "No, dear! They don't charge for little boys."

The Child: "Is that 'cos we're too little to reach the straps?"